Period.
Andrew and I got into an argument the other day. A disagreement more so. Won't go into the details, they are neither important nor relevant to this post. Nothing big. Nothing that we will even ever recall in the future. In fact, I have already forgotten most of what it was about. But what I have not forgotten is the way I acted.
One thing that needs to be said about me {if it is already not known}, is that I am very impatient. I have been for the majority of my life. It doesn't take much to set me off. And when I do go off? I'm not nice.
I go straight for the blow. The stomach. The ouch, that hurt kind of stuff.
And it sucks. Plain and simple. After the fact I really get down on myself. Of course I immediately {most of the time} apologize, and he knows I don't mean what I say and quickly forgives me... but then I really kick myself over and over again wondering why did I say that. Was it necessary? No. Did I mean it? Of course not. Would I ever want that said to me? No.
Then why would you say that to the person that is your world, your best friend, the love of your life, your everything?
I don't know. Because I really struggle with this. I need to learn. I need to grow.
Say it over and over again. Learn from this. Grow from this. Acknowledge it... and change it. Don't hurt the people that love you the most. Don't take out your anger on those that don't hurt you. Love them. Be patient. Be kind. And believe in forgiveness.
I can repeat this cycle. I can keep telling myself these things time and time again. And trust me... I've come a long way. But I still have a ways to go. I need to learn how to breath through my anger. I need to learn how to let things go. Move past the things that do not matter. Learn how to deal with things differently. And if I am upset about something? Show it in a different way. Express it differently. If anything... just walk away and take a moment to myself.
But that's all easier said than done. I know I am a rational person and I understand all these things. But when that moment happens? When it is something I am upset about? Then I think differently. My mind goes elsewhere. Not always... but enough to make me step back and reevaluate the choices I make and how I decide to deal with a situation.
Marriage isn't easy. But unfortunately, this has nothing to do with marriage. This is just a personal battle that I have with myself. One that I constantly struggle with in all aspects of my life {besides being a mother}. One that causes me to keep telling myself....
Do better. Act better. Love more. And hurt less. And most importantly, be a better wife.
yes, i've been there too. i can totally relate. when i set my mind on something i want it done yesterday. unfortunately, i take it out on my hubby. the one that cares for me the most. it's bad. why am i always in such a hurry? my life isn't a hurry. if i'm always looking ahead, how can i enjoy today?
ReplyDeletegood for you for stopping and realizing and trying to get better. that's what it's all about :)
I have the same problem. And the fact that you recognize it is a problem is a HUGE step in the right direction! I need time outs all. the. time. Then I ask for forgiveness.
ReplyDeleteyes. I told my husband the other day that I am TRYING to do better about putting my "wife" title before my "mama", "daughter" and "communications coordinator" title. It is such a juggling act, but one I wouldn't trade.
ReplyDeleteI have the same problem! It doesn't take much to set me off and when I'm aggravated with someone, mainly my closest friends, family and boyfriend, I can be so mean! My boyfriend and I sometimes get into fights about things I don't remember 5 minutes after the fight is over! It's nuts.
ReplyDeleteThis is such a really great post, and good for you for writing it. I think it takes a lot to admit a fault about yourself, even if it's on your blog. I get the same way sometimes, too. I think it's good that your recognize you have room to grow and want to do it. This is kind of what I wrote about a month ago. I need to be a better wife and a better mother....
ReplyDeleteAnd I'm crazy impatient too. Whew!
You can do it :) Have a great day, girl! Stop by my blog and link up if you can!
I am the same way. Whenever I fight with my husband I am loud and mean and then later I feel sick to my stomach over the way I acted. I am trying to become a better wife myself. I understand how you feel!
ReplyDeleteGirl, I am the same way. When I get mad, I say the meanest things and I hate it. I always feel awful afterwards.
ReplyDeleteAmen.. I am pretty bad about this too - straight for the low blow! Why? I have no idea. I'm just thankful that I am married to a man with patience, cause God knows i have none! Always good to know I'm not the only one..
ReplyDeleteI am the same way. But unlike you, I haven't had a push to change this for the better, mostly because the bf acts the same way if not worse. I KNOW that does not make my actions "ok" or acceptable, but it sure puts a damper on trying to fix my issues. Either way, it takes a wise person to make the step you are making and kudos to you!
ReplyDeleteOh and you are an awesome wife and momma. From reading about everything you do for your husband and child you are truly a saint and a kicka$$ girl! =D
This post was awesome Becky!! I am the same way- I act in the moment vs taking the time to think it out/calm down and then decide whether it is necessary to hash it out- I can honestly say my husband and I have only had one major dispute and even that was over and done with within a few hours thank god, but I am going to use your words of wisdom for sure and apply them to my own life because I need to change that habit so badly! Thank you for writing this!!
ReplyDeleteIm so glad you posted this ... I'm the exact same way sometimes when I get mad and I instantly regret it the second it leaves my mouth.
ReplyDeleteIt takes a lot to recognize it and admitt it to yourself, bravo to you! :)
{i'm almost there!}
This post was absolutely written for me too. In the heat of a disagreement, even over something completely stupid and insignificant, I totally snap and say something I dont want to say, and something that he would never say to me. I need to change. Thank you so much for this post Becky!
ReplyDeleteBecky, just the fact that you acknowledge this makes you a better person already. You're right - breathing through stuff really helps. Maybe try to count to 30 before you say anything and then think about how you would want Elli to react because she will copy you. You are amazing & you can totally do better!
ReplyDeleteI think we all can relate and sometimes need to step back and look at what were doing. Thank you for the wake up call!
ReplyDeleteAwesome post!
ReplyDeleteThe first step when changing something is admitting it out loud. You can do this.
Read my struggle here if you want to... you can see I had to learn to control a lot also. You've got this---
HERE:
http://www.ardjla.blogspot.com/2012/02/inside-relationship.html
AND HERE: http://www.ardjla.blogspot.com/2012/02/inside-relationship-take-two.html
We've got your back! Change is a good thing, you can do it!
Girl, you are not alone! I do the same thing, and I hate it. And I know it as soon as the mean things start leaving my mouth. But I think the important thing is that you are aware and you want to work on it! Great post!
ReplyDeletei needed this post, I'm not married, but it is good for any realtionship, not just a man. Thanks girl!
ReplyDeleteI look back on small disagreements by husband and I have had and I am ASHAMED at how I handled my emotions. It's something I struggle with and try to do better each day with.... it's tough for me not to spout off some mean, insensitive comment when I get upset.
ReplyDeleteDon't be so hard on your self. I can say I AM ALWAYS STRUGGLING with this since our daughter has been born. My husband is my family. and like family no matter what i say and what i do all he does is love me! i am like you, i say hurtful things I DON'T MEAN. why say em right!?! well i don't have that figured out either! i saw a quote on Pinterest the other day and i was like i MUST LIVE by this! "Be sure to taste your words before you spit them out" extremely true. My husband has the kindest heart. he is a forgiver and a never look back. i am a grudge holder something i struggle with and he knows it and helps me work through it. i struggle with the spreading my self evenly through. i used to really baby my husband and NOW my daughter gets my all but i work. and i am away form her so when i am home from work I AM ALL HERS!she will never be this little EVER EVER EVER! He told me last night he wants me to give him the enthusiasm i give Isla :( broke my heart to hear him say this. i didn't say anything to him but kiss him and i thought to my self wow i need to be better wife! so to read your post this morning...I am not alone. YOU ARE NOT ALONE! :) we aren't perfect!
ReplyDeleteI think every wife has been there. Just recently my hubby and I had our first argument via text! A text argument!
ReplyDeleteI think we can all relate to this Becky! We will be super sweet to strangers and then treat the people we love so terribly in moments of anger or frustration. I really commend you for putting this out there but remember not to be too hard on yourself. We are all human and the most important thing is that we recognize our mistakes and do our best to fix them.
ReplyDeleteYou are not alone. My poor husband often gets all of my frustration at the end of the day. I take too much out on him even when it is not his fault.
ReplyDeleteThose are all great goals that you've set, I'm saving them for myself! However, give yourself a break too! No one is perfect!
I have the SAME thing and I know exactly how much it sucks after you deliver the hurtul blow and then realize how much you wish you could take it back. You are already a great wife because you know that's something you need to change. Marriage is the hardest thing I've ever done and I love every moment that I get to learn from it. I LOVE YOU and if we were lesi's then I would want to marry you.
ReplyDeleteI really admire how honest you are in this post. It's easy to say "I post for me, not for the followers" but this post truly shows your purposes for blogging. I like that you wrote this down to remember this moment. There are so many times that I get down on myself over something I did, and I should definitely start documenting to make sure I don't repeat the same patterns that lead me to the guilt in the first place. Thanks for the inspiration :)
ReplyDeleteSomething I love about blogging is learning how many people have the same problems as I do. Bravo for your bravery to put this out there like this. And good for you for being able to admit your wrongs. Now, give yourself a break. You're not as bad as you think.
ReplyDeleteI used to be the same way! I don't think I'll ever get over being impatient but eventually I quit saying meant hings just to hurt someone. I still think them, but have learned to control me tongue a bit. Acknowledging it's a problem is a huge step in the right direction!
ReplyDeleteMy big thing is I "shut down". I stop listening and walk away. It drives my other half insane, and it makes it super hard to come to an agreement.
ReplyDeleteAt least you are able to admit that you aren't always nice and that you apologize for it! That is definitely the first step!
Oh girl this hits HOME for me. I am so bad about that. And I hate myself every.single.time. Patience is one thing I have a looooooot and I mean A LOT of work to do in. I think we all learn from these instances and {hopefully} grow from them and continue to be better. We all have faults and we are always learning. I think you are and amazing wife and momma. Patience is always a work in progres! :)
ReplyDeleteI'm a relatively new follower and I've never commented before but after reading this post I just had to! I do the same thing! I'm not married but my bf and I have been together for 6 years and when we get into little disagreements now and then I just lose my patience. It's not good and I feel horrible afterward. I also notice that he sometimes sees my impatience/anger the most because he's the closest to me and he gets the good, the bad, and the ugly. It's not fair, poor guy. But I'm sure you're a great wife and I'll be working on my patience with you!
ReplyDeleteOne of the great things about your blog is how real you are. I think honesty and sharing what's really going on in our lives is so important- it lets others now everyone struggles with stuff in relationships, parenting, and with themselves.
ReplyDeleteI am so relieved to know I am NOT the ONLY one! I feel like whenever I get into an argument with someone, I always go for the punch too! I say the things that would hurt the most so they can see how mad I am or hurt I am. But in turn, I make situations worse by saying things I don't mean and hurting those dearest to me in the end. It's a constant battle that I hope I will overcome one day. Until then, I'll be thinking of your inspiration!
ReplyDeleteGreat post love! I struggle also with this, Inpast relationships I would not think before I spoke, things I would say were pretty freaking cold and mean and I feel horrid for people I treated that way, lol I literally lay in bed at night thinking wow I was a total bitch to so and so back then! Thankfully you do learn to grow like you said, I think I may have pulled the bitch card with Jordan a few times early on but I quickly learned it was not cool haha, now we play the walk away game, its hard to bite your tounge at times but it saves saying hurtful stuff! At least you are acknowledging it mama! As always I think you are amazing as a wife and mama!
ReplyDeleteMaybe you can take your arguing skills out on Jude and yell at my belly for him to get the frick out NOW!
You are not alone. I struggle with the same thing. It is a big challenge in our relationship. My poor dear husband is the nicest most caring father and husband and when we are in a disagreement I too get him where it hurts. Its just plain mean and I know I need to stop but it is hard to change who you are, and unfortunately I have learned through our relationship that I can be MEAN. So not fair to my loving man. Now that we have kids its especially not fair to put him down when kids are around. We all need to work on things about ourselves, admitting there is something that needs to change is the first step :)
ReplyDeleteWe all have this problem! I'm so glad you posted this. It shows us that we're not all alone haha. It's nice to blog about happy and fun things, but writing a post about real confessions and struggles is necessary every now and then!
ReplyDeleteLove the honesty. You don't have to be perfect... just trying.
ReplyDeleteWhat a beautifully honest post! I can totally relate
ReplyDeleteI tend to react in the same manner you just described when B and I get into an argument. Immediately afterwards, I regret my behavior and words. You are right, it's an ongoing personal battle. But just as I know I'm better than those actions you are too! Stay strong mama. In the end, it's a good thing love it stronger than all of us :)
ReplyDeleteI am so glad that you wrote this post! I struggle with the SAME thing. B is more of a 'walk away and cool off' guy, and I am an 'in the heat of the moment' girl, so it makes it challenging some times. I really need to learn to pick my battles, and to 'breath through the emotions' like you mentioned! I am glad that I'm not doing this alone :) Being a better wife needs to stay at the top of my priority list all the time.
ReplyDeleteI can totally relate to this! I too always feel bad afterwards and am hard on myself for letting me get that way. Thanks for sharing! It's a reminder that it's something that I too need to work on. I LOVE that picture of you 3 by the way! Soo sweet!
ReplyDeletei can relate to this so much! it is so quick to say something hurtful to the one you love the most because you always know they are going to love you no matter what. but then it sucks when you wonder why you would say something so horrible to someone that you know is loving you no matter what. why would i say it? he wouldn't say it! i have learned so much to keep my tongue in check because i am not fair when it comes to arguments. i am downright awful. but i am working on it. i have to, because he doesn't deserve it.
ReplyDeletethanks for writing this honest post :)
i had goose bumps while reading this whole post! i to am one of the most impatient people ever...when i say jump, my hubby should say "how high" like right now!! I have really been struggling with this as well. I pray all the time about it, and I still seem to revert back to my old habits. BUT old habits do die hard!! I think we should both just keep working at it, and hopefully someday we can say that we broke this habit!! Praying for you today sweet girl!!
ReplyDeleteI love this post! It's soo nice to read this, compared to the many blogs that sugar coat marriage. This is real life and people have flaws. I applaud you for wanting to better yourself and being brave enough to share the truth! :)
ReplyDeleteThank you for such a great post and something I need to work on daily as well.
ReplyDeleteI can relate. It's something I've always had to work on within our marriage as well. I tend to want to say the wittiest thing that comes to mind and it's always the thing that hurts the most. I'm working on holding my tongue though, cause I don't want to hurt my sweet husband.
ReplyDeleteThanks for this honest post!