Baby number 3? Maybe. Maybe not.

8.1.13

It was a typical day. Nothing out of the ordinary, just another Wednesday evening at the S home. Husband came home, we had a nice family dinner together {including the usual Elliana trying to tell us how much she doesn't like what she is eating..."I no like chicken, I no like zucchini, I no like rice."} Okay then. You get the point, typical evening.

We finished dinner, Andrew wrapped up in the kitchen, and I took the children upstairs to get them ready for their bath. Water on. Clothes off, and in the tub we went. All three of us.

A few minutes into our bath, Andrew walks in, and out of nowhere, he says to me... 

"I think I understand when people say that it's easy to go from 2 to 3."

 I kind of sat there for a moment, brief moment, thinking about what he said, responded to what he said {something around of the lines of, yes remember how I said... blah blah blah} and before you know it I was busy scrubbing away the backs of little baby booties, tops of their tangled hair, and in between those squishy little toes {okay lie, I didn't really wash in between their toes... should I? Do you? ha} to even have a second to reflect.

But then after the fact, after the bed time routine is over, after we spent the next hour reading books, rocking the little one to sleep, and nuzzling next to our baby girl, I started to think about that very statement made by Andrew. The statement that made me go...

It just happened.

It. The whole... we brought up the possibility of number 3. Without doing so. In a non-chalant-we-really-don't-want-to-talk-about-it-but-we-just-did. That kind of way.

Except we didn't really talk about it. We just said it. Like we were both thinking the same thing, on the same page, and that was that. But should it be that simple? Was it that simple when we talked about Graham {the idea of him}. Didn't we talk about it for months. Weren't we going back and forth.

That was 3 months ago.

That conversation, as well as the start of that post. And today, today I am in a different place when it comes to deciding when/if we are ready to expand our family. I never thought that I would even be saying this, in fact, I keep deleting and restarting when it comes to this because I'm just not quite sure how to say it. But. But.

We are in a state of Chaos.

Having two kids is no joke, and I imagine having 3+ would be also. The thing is, I know that the chaos will slow down and eventually {not sure when} we will settle into a much easier {not to mention quieter and cleaner} routine, and things will just be calmer. And that? That sounds kind of nice. Knowing that eventually Graham will be closer to Elliana's age, which means I will have two potty trained, independent playing children---sounds nice. Knowing that bed time routine will be easier, meal time will be easier, getting the kids out of cars will be easier--all sounds nice. Easy does sound nice.

But the thing about it is--I love chaos. I love the crazy state of life that we currently are in. I love how loud my house is at times. I love growing our family and watching how different, yet unique and special each of my children are. I love all the activities and fun that we get to have as a family. I love it all.

My question lately has been... do I want to start the timer back at 0. Back at the start line. Back to the original chaos that started it all. At the same time, if I don't start the timer back now, will I ever want to? When things do settle down... will I want to mess with the chaos then? So why not add to the chaos.

Here is the thing...I've never been as tired as I am these days. It's 830 at night when I'm typing this and I can hardly keep my eyes open. I barely have time to really write from the heart like I used to, because I much prefer hanging out/cuddling with my husband during the little time that I am awake. I still wake up in the middle of the night for one or both of my children. I body aches at times. And if I'm completely honest here, sometimes I feel like a crippled old lady.

Staying home with two children and then going to work a 13 hour shift at the hospital is no joke either. My body has taken a beating because of my crazy schedule, and I know that if/when we bring another child into our lives that I will have to consider the option of decreasing my hours. I'd have to.

And lastly, what always weighs heavy on my heart is that we have two healthy happy children. Two children that we are so thankful to have in our lives, and we are so blessed for this life that we have been given. There certainly is not a day that goes by that we don't realize that, and there won't be a day that goes by that we aren't thankful for them. Having another child always adds that risk for something going wrong, and that is one of my biggest fears. It's always been a fear of mine. More so now that I have these beautiful souls in my life.

I know that this has all been sort of a jumbled mess of a post.. and that's okay. Because this is the way that our minds have been lately regarding future children. A jumbled mess. Or at least mine that is. I think Andrew is ready. I am too... kind of. But it's 830 and it's past my bedtime and I'm afraid I wrote this post with squinty eyes and a boggled brain.

So.

Baby number 3?

I just don't know. Not today. Ask me tomorrow.