A childless life.

Thank you trash can for this lovely picture...you can tell I didn't even have time to "sit" down.

I was going through my albums trying to find the perfect picture to use of Andrew and myself for an upcoming blog post when I stumbled upon this particular one. Something about this picture did it for me--put me in deep thought. I looked at this couple and I could not help but think back to 4.5 years ago when this very picture was taken.

Coincidentally, I just happened to read a blog post about a woman who thinks that other women who become mothers and wives are stupid and should not be celebrated. That one. But, really, If you were to ask for my honest opinion, I'd tell you this--- I didn't read all of it, I was pretty bored, and I was definitely not amused. It was obvious that the blog post was written simply to stir up controversy, and controversy she got. But regardless on whether or not the author actually felt that way {about married women and mothers}, there are people in this world that actually do, sadly. And that's what got me thinking the most.

And right about that time, the above picture was staring right at me. A Becky I didn't quite recognize... yet knew so well.

Childless.
Married {a couple days}.But childless.

Other things that come to mind?

Happy.
Tan.
Young.
Naive.
Clueless.

Free 

In love. 

And....Childless.

I try to think back on my life prior to children. I remember not having a care in the world. I remember sleeping in until 10, 11, sometimes noon on the weekends. I remember my dog being my baby and front and center of my life, alongside my husband. I remember picking up extra shifts at the hospital. Just because I felt I should. I remember buying things. Things. Buying designer bags, designer glasses, even a designer car. I remember caring about my looks---being tan, being thin, having white teeth, the perfect hair, and the polished nails. I remember just getting in my car and driving. Wherever I wanted. Going to the mall. Going to the store. Going to get my nails done. All easy tasks, and all ones that I never had to think twice about. I remember the time I got to spend with Andrew---some of the best memories I can remember. Being inseparable is probably the best way to describe it. Our dinner dates. Movie dates. Dates, period---whenever we wanted. No rush, no responsibilities, nothing but ourselves and our own priorities in mind.

I remember a lot about being childless, yet I cannot remember at all. The details, that is.

The life we long for, breathe in, and want to soak up--- I just can't remember it before. I just cannot remember life beginning until my children came into the world.

Looking back on pictures it's easy to be reminded of those things. Life before children. Things slowly come back to you as you flip through the albums of old photographs. You smile as you see yourself laughing. You touch the picture hoping in a way you could connect with the person in it. You want so badly to be reminded of who that person was, yet you have simply forgotten her altogether. It's easy to get caught up in what you looked like, what you had, and how much easier it was to navigate through this crazy world that we live in. That part is easy. But to actually think back on the important things? It's hard. Those details are somehow...lost. Or perhaps, the real answer is that they were never there.

What did I live for?
What did I dream about?
What did I look forward to?
Who did I impact in the world?
Who did I change?
Who did I teach, inspire, and motivate?
Where was life taking me?
What would come next?
What, and who would I leave behind?

So the real question is this: Were you happy?

Absolutely, I believe I was. I believe that I was the happiest that I thought that I could be, that I knew was possible. To me? I couldn't be happier. I believe that even if I had not had children in my lifetime then I could still find happiness in other things that I did. I do believe that. I believe that my husband and I did not need children for us to be happy or content with our marriage, but that children made us an even stronger, and more committed and secure couple.

It sounds easy to want to just take a day, a week, a little time to go back to your past and see what it was like to live before children. It's easy for older generations to say----live your life now while you can before you have children. It makes you wonder if there was a part of them that had regrets, if there was a part of them that had unfulfilled dreams, or a part of them that was unhappy with the way things turned out. It would be easy for us to say... live through your twenties, then have children. Or even your thirties. To me? It's just a number signifying age. For me? It's within yourself to decide what it is that you want to live by and for. And for some? It's their personal dreams. For some? It's their career. For others? For me?

It's my family.

So to answer your question---would I ever dream about going back to my childless life even for a week... a moment... or to experience it all again?

No. Never.

Do I think that being a mother is the most important, honorable, and selfish thing a woman can do if done so with a full heart?

Absolutely.

I believe that motherhood should always be celebrated. Motherhood should always be talked about in a positive way. Motherhood should be something to be proud of and acknowledged by others. No it's not boring. No it's not plain. No it's not average and typical and expected. We're not talking about a handbag, a career change, or a ribbon for completing a job well done.

We're talking about a life. And all the ways that one life has to impact many more.

A life that rewards you in the form of love---watching a part of you navigate through this world and knowing that you are responsible for setting the foundation for their future.

There is nothing greater than that out there. And for that, I will continue to celebrate the beauty, strength, and life of motherhood.