Awake.

It's 2:30.

Andrew brings Graham into bed with me. He's fussy. He's fighting sleep. Heavy eyes. Restless. Soft, subtle, whimpers. 

I'm awake. I worked last night. And the night before. And here I was sleeping in preparation for my third night shift to come. In a row. I never work three in a row. Well, never say never. I try my hardest not to, but if I do, it has to be on the weekend when Andrew is home and I am able to sleep while he's up with the kids.

I actually get sleep. Chopped up, and probably not a normal "nights rest," but hey, it's sleep.

But I'm awake. I feel rested. I don't think I'll be able to fall back asleep.

I try to get Graham to lay with me, to rock him, to settle him down into a nap, and that was definitely not working. I carried his little body to his room where we tried to rock. He fussed. He tossed and turn from one side to the other. We rocked, and rocked, and rocked. I knew he wanted to sleep, but I knew he wasn't comfortable. So I put him down. He cried for a minute, fighting it some more, and then he was out. I headed back into our bedroom in hopes of maybe laying down for a couple more hours, but I just couldn't.

I am awake.

I head downstairs where I hear Elli's sweet voice. She lights up when she sees me. "Mommy! You're awake." I walk over to her, kiss her forehead, and lay down next to her to find out about her day.

"So what did you and papa do."

"Have you had a good day."

"Did you and Graham have fun."

"What did you eat for lunch." "Was it yummy."

We talked for a while. Well, she mainly did the talking, and I simply looked at her and stared at this big girl of mine that will be turning 4 in a just a few short weeks. I stared at her little mouth moving a mile a minute. I stared at her eyes that I could get lost in for hours. I watched her hands as she moved them telling me stories. I studied her, wondering when I missed the "baby" of her start to slowly {quickly} dwindle away.

I hugged her mid-story, interrupted what she was saying, and said "You want to go outside for a little bit?"

"Outside?! Yippeee! Yes, let's go!"

And so we went. It was probably 58 degrees out, and we dressed like it was 30. Her in a winter coat, gloves and hat {per request}, and me in double layered fleece jackets and winter boots. You would have thought snow was coming.

We went on a walk hand in hand around the neighborhood, and I tell you what, that little girl did not stop talking the entire way. I'd ask her a question, and her answer would go on and on and on, and somehow, I found myself just getting lost in her voice and the beautiful fall weather around us. I smiled so hard I thought that my face may hurt. I thought about how long I have waited for these sort of moments, when I held her as a newborn dreaming of days that she would talk to me, and here she is talking non-stop and telling me everything that is on her mind.

We walked this way for a good 30 minutes, and I would stop her every few minutes to hug and kiss her. I love that she lets me. I love that she doesn't fuss or ask why. I love that she is so used to it, and I hope so bad that this never changes.

As we neared back around the corner to our house, she looked up at me and said:

"Mama, out of all my friends in the world, I love you the most."

I think all of life stood still there for a moment. I'm not even sure if I remembered to breath. A tear rolling down my cheek, and finally a sign of life from me: a big sigh of relief. She loves me I thought. Really loves me. Not because I give her food, baths, a warm home, toys, and let her participate in fun activities.... but she loves me for me.

I don't know how kids are able to have this effect on their parents, but I tell you what, it's amazing how quickly you can forget about anything disobedient they may have ever done, and only remember these very special moments together. Because that was me right there. Wiped away all the fuss, all the tantrums, all the talk-backs, as though they never happened.

But those words? Those words will stick with me like glue for the rest of my life. A moment where you'll remember what you were wearing, what the weather was like, and what you did as if you were reliving it over and over again.

I'm awake now. More than awake.

I feel refreshed, alive, and energized.

More importantly, I feel loved. Really really loved.