I choose Happiness.

2.13.13

How many times have we heard about the "perfect" life. How this mom makes motherhood look like a cake in the park. How this one pulls off the unthinkable. This one somehow manages to make a craft-tastic wreath for every room in the house. For every season, holiday, and birthday. That one has a new recipe every day of the week. Organic, freshly picked from her garden in the back. There's the mom that has the best wardrobe with the largest closet. Not to mention she looks like the next victories secret model {five days after giving birth to her fourth child}. How about the mom with the beautiful home, beautiful children, and the hunk of a husband. Those pictures don't lie you know. And then to sum it all up, lets give it to the super-mom. The mom that does all this, all while blogging about it.

Did I cover most of the ideas that have come across all of our minds at one point or another about this or that blog, this or that mom, this or that life?

I probably haven't. Not even close. And I'm not saying that any of those things people say about me. What I'm trying to talk about here is what we all think when we stumble upon what seems to be "the perfect life." Whether it be in the blog world or the step-ford wife neighbor across the street.

But in retrospect, it made me think about my blogging. This space. My little place.  Why I choose to share what I share. And more importantly, how that may be perceived by others.

This space? It's just 1% of me.

You see, I turn to this blog a couple times a week. Sometimes only once. Sometimes even more. I devote a few hours out of the week to whip out my thoughts. As ideas come to mind throughout my day, I quickly jot them down on a piece of paper, a text to myself, or sometimes an email sitting in draft. Sometimes it's just one word. Sometimes it's a sentence. Just a reminder of a thought to be constructed into something bigger. And then when that time of the week comes... I close everything off and I write.

Sometimes the post has already been written. In the car. On the couch. As I drift off to sleep.

From start to finish, I already know what to say... because I had already said it at one point or another. Over and over again in my head. So typing it out... I could do it with my eyes closed.

I write these thoughts down. Sometimes, often times, I throw in pictures. Specifically chosen, pretty, happy pictures. Why pretty? Why happy? Because these pictures make me smile. Because seeing he faces of the ones I love most? That makes me happy. I then look at the calendar to see when I want these posts to schedule. A couple clicks later and the computer closes.

And that is that.

My 1% sitting in a little file on the computer waiting to be published.

And then it's out there for the world to see. For people to critique. For others to judge. Sometimes they are good judgements. Sometimes, unfortunately people misread. Or assume. Or no matter what, they don't like you from the minutes they clicked on your site. Whatever the reason, positive or negative, judgements are made.

Because you put 1% of yourself out there.

People assume that they know you. They can sometimes imagine what your voice sounds like. What kind of person you are. What kind of mother you are to your children, wife to your husband. And sometimes, just sometimes, they could close their eyes and envision your life.

Because your 1% is out there on display in pictures.

Sometimes people assume that because you write all these happy thoughts, post pretty pictures, and talk about your beautiful children that that makes you perfect. Or that you, yourself, think that you are perfect. That you put yourself above others because you only write about these happy thoughts. That you think that you are better.

Because your 1% is full of so much... happiness.

So then. If we choose to share 1% of our life. Why, then do some choose to share the happy, beautiful, 1% of their life.

I want this blog to serve as reminder to myself. That great days do exist. That happiness is around me all the time. To look back on and smile. When I'm having a rough day. When I second guess myself. When I'm all out of ideas, solutions, or back-up plans. To turn to this little space of mine and remember.

Remember. That these moments, that may be 90% of this day, or 85% of that day, or maybe just 30% of that day, are the greatest moments to exist. That although it doesn't mean I look this pretty all the time, that my kids are this happy all the time, that my home is this clean and put together all the time, ... that it's there, it's around us, and it's what we live for.

Whether it's through words, or whether it's through pictures, I have these moments to serve as a reminder to myself. And if it inspires someone else out there? If it touches just one person. If it turns someone's day around? Gives them a different perspective? Then that is a beautiful thing.

No, it doesn't mean that my life is perfect. No, it doesn't mean that I am super mom. No, it doesn't mean that I have it all together, that I don't raise my voice, that I don't have "mom fails," or that I don't question myself from time to time.

It means none of that. What it does mean? What does it mean when I choose to share all the happy moments? What does it mean when I choose to share the pretty pictures full of laughter and fun? What does it mean when I choose to share our achievements, and blessings in life?

It means that I choose happiness.

The best part of that statement? That it's my choice.

How you perceive it? Is yours.

This & That

Currently THIS

Elliana has been so funny these past two weeks. You know how toddlers do weird things sometimes, and you go... I wonder why she does that? Well, I've had a lot of those moments lately. Recently, Elliana has decided that she wants to take her little "baskets" everywhere and anytime we have to leave the house she says, "Oh no mama, where my baskets? We need to take my baskets with us." Okay, sure we do. And we do. What are in those baskets? Cars, crayons, little nick-nackey things.

Graham has been super fussy lately when it comes to going to sleep. I think his teeth are really bothering him. The teeth that are bound to make an appearance any day now. So interesting how different babies are. With Elliana? We never knew when she was "teething." In fact, I would even go as far as to say she never was. They just showed up one and she was all... "What's the big deal?" With G, it's a complete different story.

We have spent our days this past week going to the pool {for hours on end}, park, the zoo, library, and strawberry picking. As E gets older, we are just loving how expressive and excited she gets with each activity, so naturally... we keep busy. And I wouldn't change that for the world. Plus, G gets exposed to so much more at this age than E ever did.

I've been really taking in time lately. What does that mean? You know, just really trying to get a grasp on time. I don't know if its the warm weather or the fact that my babies are getting older, but I've really caught myself saying over and over again how fast time is going by and how I can't seem to be ahead of it. I guess you never can truly be ahead {I've talked about this before, recently actually}, but I'm just so very much aware of it now. After all, we are almost into the middle of June.


Read That

10 things to stop saying to kids. I'm kind of neutral on this topic. At first, I wanted to like the article. Actually, scratch that, I do like the article. Why? Because it really made me think deeper about what we say to our children. Now, this is a topic that Andrew and I have had since Elliana was born. Well, even since before I was pregnant. About how what we say and how we act is so important. So, that being said, it's not a new topic of discussion. However, I have a lot to say about this topic and decided to write a post on it. Read the article first though, and I'll share my side later.

Made This

Well, actually, Andrew did. He had been craving homemade strawberry shortcake since we went strawberry picking at a local farm, so Sunday night... he did just that. I have it say, it was the best strawberry shortcake I ever did have. Recipe? Sure, why not! Here-->Strawberry Shortcake Recipe : : Recipes : Food Network

VIDEOTAPED THAT

Elliana has really been into singing lately. In fact, there are multiple videos on my phone, on the daily, with her singing adventures. Is there anything sweeter than a toddler's singing voice? Seriously.

You have to watch this one. It will brighten your day. I guarantee it!

DON'T FORGET ABOUT THIS

Link up Monday for Blogging with a Purpose {Show & Tell}. The topic is Who I am. You can go off that however you'd like. Read more here.

SNAPPED THAT

My precious little man at my sister's graduation. I mean seriously.... I can stare at him forever.

OH AND ON THAT NOTE...

Pretty please take a second to vote for this sweet girl so that she wins! It's as easy as two simple steps!  Go here and like the Ubooly page and the picture of precious Alea! Thank you!

Judgements.

Judgement. It's a serious issue. They {the judgements} are all around us. We see them more than we admit. And sometimes, we are guilty of it without us knowing. And sometimes, we do know it. Sometimes we ignore it. Sometimes we make it worse. The social media is a place full of judgements, and sometimes, if you just stop and take a look, you will catch yourself saying... this is not where I want to be.

That's why I find myself staying off any sort of social media for social purposes. I guess you could say blogging is the same way. Any which way you say something can somehow look like something else. And a picture. A picture can tell 5 different stories in 100 different ways.

You see....

If you say you had a drink, someone assumes that you have one every night, every day, and probably every hour of your life. You have a problem.

If you take a picture, you better double check it with a magnifying glass because someone might see your dirty mirrors, the toys scattered everywhere, or the toddler with no pants on. And then they know exactly the life that you live.

If you post a picture at the gym every day, people assume you don't want to spend time with your children. Forget the fact that you have turned to live a healthy lifestyle and make a change for the better. People forget that part. They instantly want to attack instead.

And if you post a picture in the car , you better mention that you aren't actually driving when you took the picture. Because everyone assumes that you are, in fact, driving. Because you are that irresponsible. Caption it. Now.

Not to mention, if you don't have your kid strapped in that car seat PERFECTLY, you better be on pins and needles for the first comment to point out your parenting screw up.

If you talk about happy things you are considered fake. If you post about unhappy things, you are a "complainer."

And it seems that these days you have to use parenthesis and by the ways and don't judge me phrases anytime you post a picture or talk about something on your heart because no matter how you say things or how many times you explain yourself, people out there will just not get you.

But you know what I want to tell you about this? They probably didn't "get you" from the minute they opened up your page, your picture, or anything else that involved you and your life. They probably didn't "get you" nor wanted to "get you." They probably didn't like you for not what you said, but maybe what you didn't say.

What I have to say? Don't let it get you. Move on.

You see, because social media, it really can be a whole bunch of negative. It's really just a fancy way of reliving high school all over again. The great part about it though? YOU CAN CHOOSE TO WALK AWAY.

One comment will be made. More will come out. People then start to battle one another, and the next thing you know one picture or a viewpoint is blown into something bigger than it needs to be. And jugements. Oh boy are those out there. More than ever before.

So this got me thinking. How sad is that? That people have to sit there and explain themselves to the world. That someone cannot see beyond one picture you post, just one second of your life, and automatically assume they have a grasp on who you are as a human being.

It's sad, and I wish it wasn't true. But it's out there. In all forms. Specifically the ugly one.

There are perks of social media, I get that. It's a great way for people to stay updated. Great way to find out what's going on in the world {hello, I never get to catch up on news on TV}, and learn from one another. It has it's benefits. But those benefits? Have a lot of catching up to do compared to the flaws and hatred all around us.

Who cares what Sally did. What Betty didn't do. And what Eve said. Who cares.

Don't look at a picture and assume you know everything. Don't look at a mom and predict what she is or isn't doing with her children. Just don't.

Do look at yourself and see how you can help someone else. How you can make a positive change in the world. And how you could be a great role model for your children.

All that effort to worry about what someone else is doing or saying won't bring any good to your or those around you.

Being positive and encouraging?
That will.

This & That

Did This:

I signed E up to summer reading program at the library. This is so exciting to me that we are at the age that we are able to do all these fun things. We always get lots of books at the library when we go, and now she gets to count up her books and gets little surprises for reading so much. I remember doing this as a little girl, and now watching my own daughter do it as well just brings so many happy memories back to me.

Went to the pool for the first time! Actually, our neighborhood pool was closed, so we went to a large one down the street with a splash pad, pool slides, and all. Elliana was loving it, and Graham of course slept in the carrier the whole time.

Elliana's recital was last Friday, and it went great. So great. I am so proud of her and I'll be sharing the details soon {including a little slideshow I'm putting together}.

Also, we went to our first puppet show ever at the library. Honestly, I thought there would be maybe {if that} 20 kids there. Thankfully we got there a little bit early,  because there were probably close to 100 children and NO room to sit. I sent Elliana into the crowd of kids and stood against the wall next to her as she watched her first show. She was so intrigued that she didn't move an inch. Watching and taking it alll in. Gosh these mom moments are just getting better and better with age.

Lastly, we went strawberry picking and I have to say... amazing. The past 2 years we have gone at the end of the season, and this year we were smart enough to go at the beginning. We weren't the only ones, as it was jam packed. We went with our friends and enjoyed some sweet ice cream outdoors afterwards.

Instagrammed That:

Loving This:

• Ebates and making free money, for shopping. Something I would already be doing anyway.
• Bud light lime. I have seriously had one with dinner almost every night. It's so refreshing on these cold summer days.
• That the weekend is almost here. I have Saturday and Sunday off and I am looking forward to spending time with the family, getting some projects done, and plain old relaxing. Well, probably not much relaxing.

Read That:

A Mama Memoir on "Return To Innocence." Have you ever heard the phrase, "well you can't shelter them forever?" Yes? Read this then.

Cooked This:

New recipe I tried: Crockpot Pork Chop Recipe, and crockpot chili recipe. Both were a hit.

Must try this: Banana Bread with Cream Cheese Swirl

Discounted That:

35% off advertising through the weekend! Would love to have you :)

CODE: weekend35 http://www.frommrstomama.com/p/advertising.html

Purchased This:

After the shirts that I purchased from ON came yesterday, I loved them so much that I purchased 13 more. 13! Why? Because at $4.00 a shirt and $20 back on my order, they ended up being less than $3.00 after discounts and will make great x-mas gifts. Not to mention they are so comfortable and I can dress them up or down. And you can't ever have too many plain colored tees. But do I even need to explain myself here? One word. STEAL. I want to go buy more.....

I'm Back

I'm back.

I am back into the groove of things. I think. Or maybe just briefly. Today I am. And well, that has to be worth something, right. At least I am better than I was yesterday. More ahead then the previous day. Back.

Well, so where was I then, before?

Here. Just behind. Very very behind.

Baskets of clean laundry of clothes in need of being folded in every room. For weeks.
Dishes that sat on the kitchen counters. Clean. Needing to be put away. I'd put away, and then more would rack up. I just couldn't keep up.
A blog that was neglected. Very much so. Running through scheduled post after scheduled post.
Emails sitting unanswered. For weeks.
Beds that were starting to talk to me. Wash me. Wash me, please.
Projects around the house that were always somehow pushed back by something more important. Another activity. Another birthday. Another event to attend to.

The thing is, I'm not even complaining. I don't even feel bad for one second for all the things that have been put on the back burner. Did it stress me out a bit? Sure. Did I keep thinking about those things? Naturally so. But did I ever stop myself and say... this is more important than spending time with my family, going outside with the children, or leaving the house to just... get away? Nope. I don't think so. And again, not sorry for it.

But, that being said, it still feels good once you feel yourself... ahead. Well, never actually ahead... but maybe on track. Or close to it. Heck, I don't know where exactly I am on this road, but I just know that I am trucking along. Whether it's 10, 15, 20, or 50 mph... I'm going.

And that... that's better than not.

I think I may have mentioned this before, but I am a much better and happier person when I have things under control in my life. In all areas. The house. The chores. The activities. The children. The blog. The communication with others. Work. And all.

At the same time, I know I can't do it all.

But man do I wish I could. So when I have a great day like today. Where things finally slow down in our lives and we sort of get back into the swing of things... it lifts me up. It makes me feel like I can do anything and conquer everything.

With the warm weather heading our way {why aren't we there already is what I am thinking}, I know that our lives are only going to get busier. Lots of pool days. Lots of park dates. Summer reading program at the library. Trips to Ohio, the beach, and maybe even Michigan. Lots of family time and soaking in the weather.

So, I want to stay ahead. Or on track. Or whatever else I said I was. I want to be here where I am today. The house picked up. The laundry put away. Dinner cooking in the crock pot. Toddler time attended. Books read. Learning done. Even teeth brushed and pits fresh with deodorant.

Don't we all want to be there.

Perfect is the first word that comes to mind. I want to be perfect. I know I can't be. I know no such world exists. But man do I always want to push myself that much harder.

Regardless, I'm back. And it feels good.

Even if it may be temporary.

This & That

Excited for This:

Elliana has her first dance recital on Friday! Even though I know it will be just a bunch of little girls running around and having a great time, just thinking of my precious baby up there in a her sweet dresses makes me tear up. I feel as though I just brought her home. Just now. And yet, here we are, attending a dance recital.

We are going to be going to Cleveland soon to see Andrew's family and I am so excited for this. Have I mentioned how much I love to just be with family? I do.

My sister graduates high school on Sunday. Well technically, she is already graduated as she is officially done. However, her ceremony is on Sunday. I cannot believe it. I don't think I want to believe it. How could she already be here at this point? I remember when she was born. Diapering her. Raising her.

Instagrammed That:

I've really stepped away from instagram {and all social media}. Aside from the time when I was in Vegas, I just feel as though being away from my phone as much as possible is of most importance to me. I have felt this way for quite some time, as social media is no longer the positive outlook it once was. Or at least how I thought it once was. I'm enjoying my family more than ever. Really soaking it all in. And with all the warm weather, we have so much fun stuff planned the next few months!

Scheduled This:

Graham's 5 month post. I cannot believe my little baby is now almost half a year old. We have so many great milestones to look forward to... sitting up, crawling, walking, and I just cannot contain the excitement. As much as I love them being little, what I love even more is the growing and learning part even more.

Videotaped That:

A short and sweet post. I feel like I have a lot to say and just not enough time to say it. I am quickly running out of scheduled posts and what I need to do is take a few hours to step away to starbucks and get some writing down. I am sure I will get there, at some point. For now, I am content and happy. I have some great ideas brewing in my head, but I just need to get them down on paper.

Plus, one amazing.. really spectacular giveaway planning. In the works. Coming... soon.

Happy almost weekend day!

Things I have learned while being in Vegas

Being in Vegas was an eye opening experience. To say the least. It wasn't my first trip, so I feel like I already "knew" Vegas, but it was a second time around for me, and it was definitely a different kind of second time around.

I learned a lot this trip. Just from basic observation and experience. For instance:

I think the contest here is who can find the shortest skirt and the highest heels. I have seen some of the most beautiful people in Vegas. I have also seen some of the most outrageous outfits as well. If you want to call them that. One girl got stopped by security and was told she had to wrap a towel around her. Makes sense when your wrap doesn't go past your waist and your bottoms do not cover anything. Another girl basically work a bra and underwear out walking around. Others that just completely blew me away. But hey, it's Vegas right. The one place where that is acceptable. Or is it?

Vegas really doesn't have to be that expensive. But it sure can be. Why? Because everything is overpriced. I've been to Vegas before. With Andrew. I know what it is like to get a cheap flight, cheap hotel {yet nicer than any 5 star back home}, and eat reasonable. Gamble on the cheap. And drink on the hotel's dime, while gambling. So overall, Vegas can be very very cheap. However, I know this time around, it was far from it. But? Out of my hands.

As much as they try to convince me that it can be family oriented, believe me, it's not. I can see the appeal to a certain extent with all the different pools and activities for the kids, but I still cannot wrap my head around the idea of ever having my children in Vegas. From all the alcohol, to all the inappropriate behavior and things that people say, it is just not an environment that I would want my children to be in. Ever. Not to mention the outfits and the lack of clothing all around.  If I am going to spend my money to go to Vegas, it won't be with my children. And if I am going to spend the money for a family vacation, it sure won't be going to Vegas.

Everyone wants you to attend their club, bar, and show. Everyone. And everyone will tell you that you get in free and it's so "exclusive." You will get stopped more than you care for, and inappropriate things will be said. Also, do not be surprised if you see naked girls on the ground. And by that... I mean, cards of topless women scattered all over. Again, how is this family oriented again?

The people who attend topless pools should probably not be topless. I never quite understood the desire to not have a top of. I have to be honest here, the girls that did were not the ones that should. Not that I think anyone should. But the classy beautiful ones? Kept their clothes on. Those other ones just give women a bad name. Some of them? I imagine have children.

If a place offers bottomless mimosas for $10.99, take it. I certainly had no idea that a BLL would be $10. So after drinking 3 and then getting the bill? I realized that I messed up big time. All the other girls went with the mimosas, and I was the dummy one who actually thought that a beer would be, you know, $4 or so. Silly me.

Once a mom, always a mom. Yelling at the young guys. Regulating the girls and their drama. Giving lectures about how to treat others. Such a mom I was. And you know what? I realized that that was okay. That I just cannot step out of my role for 2 days just like that. That it is who I am, and it defines me.

A great two days, a memorable trip, with lots of learning experiences, but I am definitely, more than happy to be home.

Where people keep their clothes on,
The beer is reasonably priced,
And the only mom I have to be is to my two children.

The Patient I Won't Forget

**Name changed for identity purposes

It has taken me months to write this post. 

Many months, actually.

There are been previous triggers that have urged me to write, however, I kept pushing them aside and saying.. "another day." Anytime I would sit to write about that night, I would stare at the blank screen. I just couldn't gather the words. And today, something just changed. I just sort of wanted to let it out and talk about. 

The patient I will never forget.

There are many, you know. Patients I won't forget. Their stories of their lives that I share. Memories of "that night" that stay with me. Their voices, their images. But with all these patients and experiences, I have always felt at peace with their outcome. I never took their stories home. I never  thought about them after leaving work. I just felt content. 

This one was different.

It was during the winter months. I was nearing 9 months pregnant, exhausted, and on my 2nd night shift in a row. We were in the report room when we first heard about the overdose coming in. Drug overdose. The amount was unheard of. We instantly did not believe it. "How could he take that many pills," we asked. "Is that even humanly possibly?" "There is no way that this is true." "I call bluff, and I call attention seeking."

"Who wants him?" A fellow nurse asked.

"I'll take him." I replied. Not realizing what I was getting myself into. Thinking this was just going to be another night to "get through." Another uneventful night like the last.

We all walked out of that report room laughing. 

He arrived around 930pm. Young guy. Alert. Talkative from the get-go. Telling me his story of why he chose to take pills, drink, and in hopes of ending his life. A break up with the girlfriend. He was scared. He was regretful. And on multiple occasions would say to me.."I do not want this to be it."

It.

The last day of hjis life, is what he meant.

I kind of brushed him off. "No Bob, this isn't it, you are doing okay, we are watching you closely, and we will do everything possible to take care of you." What I really wanted to say though... "Because I know you didn't take that many pills. You're just dealing with a heartbreak." I didn't though. I knew better. But I let the judgement get the best of me. One of my most regrettable moments.

I can close my eyes right now and see him looking at me. I should have known then. The fear in his eyes. The worry in his voice. He knew what was about to come, and I was so foolish not to catch on to what we call, "the impending doom."

We got a sitter that night, she was an angel. As I ran around doing order after order, labs after labs, talking to the physicians, calling the nephrologist in, getting the dialysis nurse to come in after hours of emergency dialysis, and being in my zone, she sat with him and put washcloths on his face, wiped his face off as he would vomit profusely, and change out his bucket time after time. Reassuring him, all would be okay. I am so thankful that she was there that night. That there was someone there with him at all times.

One family member showed up. A sister. They hadn't spoken for years. He was estranged from his family members. But she came to be there with him. She held his hand. She comforted him. 

It was about 4 in the morning. We had just finished placing the permacath in for emergency dialsyis. Bob was still throughout the procedure. He was pleasant and appropriate. 

Shoftly after though, Bob began to change. Quickly. In a matter of seconds. Diaphoretic, confused, and aggressive. Aggressive immediately turned to combative. Within seconds, 15 people are in the room. Everyone pushing the pregnant girl to the side. Security called. Trying to hold Bob down to give him medicine. Stabilize him. All while Bob is screaming.

I'm staring at the monitor. The numbers aren't looking good. I start hollering at the physician to hurry. "We need to intubate him now."

We did.

And just like that, things started to go downhill.

Bob was no longer the color he used to be. He drastically went from pink to mottled {red spots} all over. Head to toe. The numbers on the monitor were a tale-tell sign that he was rapidly declining. His heart rate in the 170's with no response to medicine. His pressure in the high 200's with no response to medicine. Guppy breathing on the vent. The "look" of death.

I call the physician into the room. What are we going to do now? He's going to code any minute now. Any minute.  I am talking to him, my eyes are on the monitor. That's when I see it. The systolic pressure all of a sudden dropped to 100's {previously in the 200's}... and his heart rate.... 180, 150, 110, 50....

"CALL A CODE," I yell.

No pulse.

And just like that, everything went crazy again. Except this time, I had a bad feeling in my stomach. With every compression, I just stood there and hoped and hope. But I just knew this was it. There was no bringing him back, and after 30 minutes, my thoughts were confirmed.

"Anyone have any other suggestions" asks the attending.

Everyone is quiet.

"Alright, guys, everyone did a good job," She says. And walks out.

And while my fellow coworkers were busy picking stuff up, unhooking wires, discontinuing medications, and comforting family... I was frozen. For whatever reason, I just could not move. I could not think. And without any control, the tears just started pouring down my face.

I muttered to a nurse that I would be back. Threw my gloves in the overflowing trashcan on my way out the door, went to the bathroom, shut the door, and just cried.

I had never cried about a patient like I did that morning.
I had never felt the way I did that morning.
I had never been so overwhelmed with emotions.

Then there was a knock on the door. It was one of my closest friends that I work with. She asked to come in. Hugged me as she closed the door. And we just talked.

I couldn't quite explain to her why this one affected me so much. Why other cases had not brought out this sort of emotion out of me. Why this particular patient's death was one that I knew would stay with me forever.

I think a lot of it had to to do with the fact that I went into that evening saying..."Easy as pie, lets just give him the attention he wants, and make it to 730." Like I said, my most regrettable moment of my career.

I think it had to do with the fact that I never saw this coming.
I never expected him to actually be telling the truth.
And I certainly never expected this outcome when he first rolled in throuh the door.

I wish I could just have a minute back with him. Just to talk to him. To hold his hand and give him some comforting words.

The other day, I saw the sitter for the first time since that day.  It instantly brought that night back to me.
We hugged. A big hug.

I told her I think about her all the time because of that night. That because of her, I am so grateful.That because of her, that patient had an angel at bedside. That because of her, I was reminded to write this story. His story.

Of the patient, the night, that changed me as a person and a nurse. And I'll never be the same because of him.

Time to Go Home

It's 5 am. I woke up to two of the girls coming home. Five am. One of them included the bride. I sure couldn't roll like these girls do anymore. The latest I made it out to was about 1:30 the night before. Regardless, it was 5 am. And although one would think that you would be pretty annoyed with the fact that you just got woken up at an unreasonable hour, I, was in fact pretty happy to see the bride had a great time. Even if all the other girls could not hang around as long as she did. So there was quite a bit of hooting and hollering, and by the time that everyone settled down, not only was I wide awake, but I was quickly reminded that I needed to pump. Stat.

Pumping. I did that quite a bit the past two days. Every 3 hours {with exception of while I slept, which was 5-6 hours} around the clock. Every 3 hours. I probably could have gone longer. Well, actually, I know I could have gone longer. But I was worried. So worried that something would happen to my supply. That somehow my body would just know that I was trying to trick it and punish me for it.

But it worked.  I pumped in the most embarrassing places. Including the high traffic airport restroom where a mirror of girls washing their hands would stare at me as they tried to figure out what in the world I was doing to my breasts. I'm sure I scared a few of them. I left the pools early to go back to the room to pump. Walked back from restaurants on multiple occasions to pump. Pumped in front of the girls while they got ready. Just let it all out. Carried around my large bag through Vegas, not sure where I would be at the 3 hour mark. Interrupted a good time in order to pump. On multiple occasions. And set my alarms to remind myself to pump. I was on the dot.

Obviously, it's worth it. The pumping. For my babies, I would do anything. No amount of fun with friends or scene that I was a part of could come between that. Which, in a sense, you could say, no one can come between me and my pump. Did I really just say that? I did. And really, I would throw up fists if someone tried to harm my pump. Well, maybe not fists, but definitely would have a few words.

Well, now that I have spent a half hour {not really} talking about my pump, and lost the interest of 90% of the people out there, lets just move right along and talk about the rest of the trip. For those that are waiting behind wondering if there will be any substance to this post.

There probably isn't.

But, Vegas. Oh, Vegas. It has been quite the experience. One, I am thankful I didn't chicken out and cancel at the last minute. Although the thought crossed my mind multiple times. Going to Vegas with a bunch of girls and going to Vegas with just your man can prove to be two very unique experiences.

Not bad, not better than the other, but different.

What did we do in Vegas? What girls typically do. We spent the majority of the day at the poolside. We drank from the minute we got up to the minute we went to sleep. Which, for writing purposes, lets say from 7 am to midnight. But not the kind of drinking that you did in college. Just enough to space it out throughout the day, not do anything reckless, and yet feel good about it.  Just enough to leave you wondering... how much water have I drank today? And when was the last time I ate?

We spent too much money. I spent too much money. I don't even want to think about the $35 dollar breakfasts and $75 dinners. That should be illegal, Vegas.

We cracked a lot of jokes, and I cursed more than I care to admit. Something about not being around children brought out the potty mouth in me. But that's okay. When I told the girls that this is like my moment to blurt out as much as possible because certain words were not allowed in the house, they looked at me shocked. Is this the same Becky we knew in colllege? Yes. But I am also now Mom Becky, that not only filters any sort of cursing around the children, but even puts a stop to language such as "dumb, stupid" or anything else that I view negative. Mom, Becky.

Speaking of mom "Mom Becky," I did quite a bit of that while in Vegas as well. The being a "mom" part.

I scolded a group of guys one morning. Early morning. 4 AM type morning. The kind of morning where we are all sleeping, deep sleeping, comfortable and content, until we get woken up by extreme loud obnoxious banging. At first I think it is coming from our room. The girls say no, next door. And it continues. And continues. Clearly they weren't getting the picture. So I throw my legs over the bed, put the meanest stomp on, fling open the door, and have at em.

It was a group of guys. About 5 of them. Barely look over the age of 21. Then again, I get told I barely look like I've graduated college.

Regardless, I give them a piece of my mind. Left hand on the hip, right finger out in the air.

"BOYS! You should be ashamed of yourselves! It's 4 in the morning and people are trying to sleep. It's time for you to go downstairs and get a key like a normal person!"

And the look on their face was priceless. Hanging their head down in shame and all as a guy speaks up. "So sorry." Genuine. Really.  I think if anything they were just so shocked that their mom was here in Vegas in the form of a 26 year olds body. Scolding them.

I slammed the door, walked back to my bed, and climbed back in. All while thinking... wow, did I really just do that? I did.

And the mom did not stop there. When I heard of things that the girls were doing or saying to one another, I was quick to speak my mind. I put my mom face on talked to the girls about how we should be kind to one another. How to treat other human beings. How I would never accept that sort of behavior from my children, yet alone grown adults.

And so although I knew that I was on this trip, feeling young and free again with a bunch of crazy girls looking to have a good time, my role as a mother had never left me. Not only did I not stop thinking about my babies throughout the trip, whipping out my phone on multiple times to look at their faces, and counting down the minutes to go home, but I was also reminded of how my life has changed, and no matter the setting, no matter who I am around, I will always try to protect, teach, and help those around me.

Always.

Because once a mom, always, a mom.

And I better go help the girl who is, how do I say this, letting the contents from her mouth go in the toilet now. Was that the proper way of saying it? Or still super gross? Eh. Okay, Here I go.

Maybe I'll blog from the plane again this time. Maybe I won't.

All I know is that I will be seeing those beautiful faces here shortly. Not soon enough. And I am ready to hit the road.

It's time to go home friends. Vegas, it's been real.

I am here. Sitting on the plane. Flying. I guess that's what planes do anyway. They fly. But it still seems a little unreal to me that I am doing this. Leaving my family that is. I know it shouldn't be a big deal. People do this every day. Travel. Leave behind their children. But for me, it all is so foreign. To me.  I am not one that can commit to things such as this simply because I cannot stand the idea of it all. Leaving. Even taking the smallest risk that something may happen to me. But I have left, so why talk about the leaving part any more. Because I am already there in that step of the process. I put my two feet forward, and I have left.

Okay, I won't keep talking about it. I'll talk about the fact that I am sitting on a plane. Surrounded by other people. I people watch. A little too much. I eaves drop on conversations. The girls talking about the wedding to come. The bride with her sash on is glowing with excitement that she is surrounded by her best friends and preparing for what will be one of the greatest weekends of her life. One of the girls talking about her son's first haircut. Showing off pictures on their phones. Other moms around me, it's nice to know I'm not alone.

I sat next to a couple. Around my parent's age if I had to guess. Well, I should say my mom's age since she is quite a bit older than my dad. Regardless, they are sweet. I knew they would be as soon as I saw them while walking down the plane aisle. You know, picking where to sit, and who to sit with, is yet another first for me. In fact, I don't remember the last time I traveled alone. If ever. Usually the only decision I have to make is whether I sit in the aisle or by the window. Never the middle. But wait, yes the middle, because Andrew hates the aisle. So naturally, I'm stuck next to the window. And by that I mean the middle.

But I'm by the aisle this time. And it's kind of nice.

Back to the couple. I'll call them mom and dad for writing purposes. Dad has his arm around her. She has her hand in his lap. It's so sweet I can't help but smile just thinking about it.

I hang up the phone with Andrew, tell Elliana how much I love her, the baby boy, and my husband, and then I'm off. The plane takes off and we make it okay, in that sense. Obviously, since I am here right now writing.

The mom mentions that her daughter {who is sitting behind her} is also leaving behind a little one. A one year old boy. She cried. I know that feeling all too well. So we talk briefly about our children and why we are going. I mention I am going for a bachelorette party. Mom made this a family trip and also brought her son and a bunch {8 or so} of his friends. They're all 21. The boys.

I smiled.

They were the boys that were standing in front of me at the check in. I overheard them talking about how this was going to be the time of their life. They didn't have any bags with them. But then again, why would that surprise me? They probably only packed a swimsuit and money. That's all you need when you're a guy right? Your friends and a good time. Girls are so different in that sense. I packed the largest suitcase. Too many outfits I couldn't choose from. Pairs of shoes I'll never wear. Enough swimsuits to last me all week. Yet, I'm going for two days.

But, I didn't mean to talk about baggage and how girls don't know how to pack. This girl doesn't know how to pack. What I wanted to mention about this is how when I saw these boys laughing and high fiving each other, the first thought that crossed my mind was my son. Like wow, Graham will be 21 one day. Graham will travel to vegas with his friends one day. Graham will grow up one day.

And I smiled.

And I told Mom this. How that thought crossed my mind when I saw the boys. And she smiled too. It goes by fast, she says. It does. I know it.

So that is where I am. Only 20 minutes into a flight with a lot of thoughts running through my head.

Thankfully this is a 4 hour flight. Which means a lot of writing {and blogging} will be done. Thankfully, finally.

It feels good to have this time to do it. To write. And people watch. And drink the free cranberry vodka because the credit card machines are down.

Vegas, here I come.

Fab Friday: I'm Getting On A Plane.

Linking up with one of my favorite mama's for her fabulous friday's link up!

What's in my life that is fabulous this week?

My baby boy. Who is developing the sweetest personality. So content. So chill. So, just, must I say, perfect. Needy at times? Sure. But aren't all babies? Don't answer that. But seriously, the smiles, the coos, the eyes just captivating me. It's all just fabulous.

My baby girl. Who is becoming more and more aware of feelings. She not only notices when people are sad, but she wants to go above and beyond to make you feel better. She can also sense when Mama is starting to become short fused, and she is quick to say "I'm sorry mommy" before I even have to say anything. And she's talking so much. I mean, ridiculously long sentences talking. And it's fun. So. Fun.

My husband. Who when I called him on Monday afternoon after letting stress get to the best of me and beating myself up over it, was so uplifting, comforting, and a complete rock. I love him for everything that he is and everything that he does for this family.

Family. Being with Andrew's family this past weekend just makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. If you know what I mean. As I get older, family {aside from my little immediate one of 4} just becomes more and more important. I prefer to spend time with my family members versus friends. It's so nice to be around people that truly love you. Love you for who you are. Every part of you. And seeing my husband light up at the sight of his sister, parents, and brother-in-law. It's just all nice. Not to mention the grandbabies.

Lastly, VEGAS. That's where I will be. And well, that, that should be interesting my friends. I am thoroughly excited to spend a weekend with girls, but I am so nauseous thinking about being away from these three people that are my world. I think I will indulge in an alcoholic beverage {or two} to keep my thoughts away.

If you see a basket case at the airport, at the casinos, or poolside. Just know... it's me.

This & That

Shopping for this:

I'm on a Maxi dress kick! I love them for their ability to let me feel free and breathe, especially since I tend to run around all day with the babies. So I have been doing some shopping and browsing around. Since my birthday is also coming up soon, I've been in search of a nicer maxi. I've been checking out the Designer Dresses online and I found this beauty. The details! The details!

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Bought That:

Bought some great tops for only $10! I am so excited for this and love me some Hautelook deals!

And then there was the Happy Family Organic Baby food that was up to 50% off! I stocked up!

Did This:

Went to Michigan this past weekend! It was Graham's first tript out of the state. First trip in the car for 4+ hours, also. It was definitely not Elliana's first trip, as we traveled last summer twice. One time for 12+ hours, the other 5+. Both times {last year} she did wonderful. Not a peep. This year, however? Not so much. There was a {a whole} lot of drama tears. The little guy did the standard cry when hungry and wet, and then slept the rest of the trip. Overall though? The big picture? It was a pretty successful drive there and back. And the trip itself? Was great.

Baby wearing. Lots of it. I am 99% sure the little man is teething. Both hands go into the mouth in fistfuls and a lot of cranky whimpering cries. That being said, we have been doing a lot of baby wearing and a lot less of keeping up with the house, which has been stressing me out {the mess}.

Made That:

I have been really slacking on sharing new recipes around these parts. In fact, I have been slacking period when it comes to this blog {read below}. But I made these turkey taco salad wraps that I wanted to share. They are from skinnytaste, surprise surprise, and I thought they were very good. Now, Andrew on the other hand thought otherwise. He likes his traditional taco shell. I think next time there are a few changes I may make, but I will definitely be giving these a go again.

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Apologized for this:

I have been really really slacking in this blogger department and I have a feeling that won't be changing anytime soon. You see, responding to emails has never been my forte. I like to ignore them when they become overwhelming. Unfortunately, the more I ignore, the more they pile on, and the more likely that I won't be responding at all. Also, the lack of posts around here. Even though that's ironic for me to say, since there has been a post up every day. Those are all old. Months old. New material just has not made it's way on the blog. Not that it isn't there. That's for sure. It just sits in my head and bothers the daylights out of me. Nagging me... write write write. But time, my friends, time. There is none of that around here. Why? Because we are gone on the weekends, the weather has been amazing, and we have tons of projects around here.

So enjoying my family, will and has always come first.

And for that, I'm not sorry. But I am sorry that I have let blogging sort of slip away. Dishes and laundry have even trumped that.

I'll find my groove one of these days. In the meantime, just know I am alive and enjoying life! I hope you all are doing the same. And if you have sent me an email and I have not respond? Feel free to send me an additional hate email. Kick my rear, I'm begging you.

Watched That:


Read this:

Another food article for thought for you. I couldn't help it. In fact, the one I was going to originally post on here I can no longer find. You may thank me for that, as it was 27 pages. However, it was so good. I mean, so so good. It talked about the history of food and our fluctuating dieting and trends. I will keep searching for it. I think everyone should read it.

In the meantime, this one is about the gluten free diet. Brushes up on it and celiac disease.

Lastly, Donate to That:

Please, if you can, donate here for the OK relief victims. More info here. 

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My heart and thoughts go out to all those that were affected, and continue to be affected, by this tragedy.

Family, and watching our children grow

My littlest nephew turned one last month and we were able to celebrate this beautiful day with the whole family. I am always reminded about how precious family is and how important it is to make time for them. My brother and I always dreamed, talked, about days like today. How one day our children would grow up together. How we would get to watch them. The holidays. The two of us with our own families. Becoming parents. Being parents.

It's all so amazing that we are here, today, and we are watching our children grow.

He has two. I have two. There will mostly likely be more. On my end, for sure. On his, we shall see. Regardless though, it's amazing to see where we are today. The two of us, as parents. And to watch this little family grow into something bigger.

The dream of large family holidays and becoming these parents that we talked about being as young children ourselves is finally coming true.

And it's pretty neat to watch.

This was supposed to be a post with just pictures and silence, but somehow I caught myself remembering 4.5 years ago, standing with my nervous brother in the waiting room for a minute, talking about this new life he was getting ready to be embraced with.

Look where we are now.