Elliana Letter: There Are Plenty Of Fish in the Sea-- The Wisest Thing My Mother Ever Told me

Dear Elliana,

You're probably wondering why I made you turn to this page of the book. Why mama is writing to you and why there is a picture of you as a two year old. Yes, it's exactly what you think it means baby. I'm writing this letter long long before you ever knew what a boyfriend was. What love meant. And what heartache felt like. I'm writing this to you, during a time when you felt nothing but love. During a time where twirling around in the living room was your idea of fun. A time where the key to your heart was in the form of a bunny animal cracker and a chocolate chip. A time where your arms only wanted, and needed to be held, kissed, and praised. And your biggest fans, your biggest admirers, and your true loves were, and still are, being your mama and papa. And that was all you ever needed. In that time.

I know that now in your life, you may yearn for more.

And so I decided to write to you, in 2012, as you, a blonde haired, blue eyed, 2 year old lay in bed next to me, all 28 pounds of you, curled up in the most perfect ball with the most perfect smell, knowing that you would need this from me one day. Because I want to tell you I know what you are going through. That it's okay to cry. It's okay to feel hurt. It's okay to not be able to picture your world ever being the same.

It's okay. It's normal. And I know how you feel.

Baby, as hard as this time may seem to be, right now. As much as you may not want to believe it, at this very moment. Trust me when I say this... there are plenty more fish in the sea.

Smile for me baby. Right now. Show me that smile. Wipe away those tears, and lift your head up.

Now listen to me carefully. Because I want to talk to you now while I'm young, while my memory is fresh, and during a time that I may understand better than say 15 years from now. So, with that being said, why don't we talk about those "fishes" in the sea.

Fish #1.

You're going to laugh when I tell you this story. Of your mother, who at the age of 13, thought she "fell in love" with her one and only prince charming. You're going to giggle and probably poke fun of me, but that's okay. Because the sole intention of this letter is to do just that. Put that beautiful smile back on your face.

You see. It was straight from a movie {except the age part}. A girl on the beach. A boy on the beach. Both awkward. Both scrawny. Both oh-to-young to ever know what love is. The boy... he goes up to the girl. The girl, shyly giggles. They lie about their age. They act way cooler than they truly are. And they are smitten. Oh so smitten. They hold hands. They listen to "Nelly" {oh sweetheart I know I'm aging myself here}, and she does everything possible to make him laugh. And vice versa. And she knew it. Right there and then. He is the one. She carves their initials in the closet of the condo {that they didn't own.... don't ever do that}, and writes in the journal... "...I met my husband, signed Becky." When they get home from vacation she jumps on her mom's bed {that would be you grandmother} and she tells her those 5 words a parent never wants to hear at that age "I'm going to marry him." Your grandmother though... she's no fool. She just stroked my hair, gave me that hollywood smile of hers, and said "sure you are honey." You know what else she said...

"There's more fish in the sea." Except in the Russian form.

So fish number one? We talked for a couple years, and yes he did indeed break my little teenage heart. I cried many many tears over him swearing that I would never find love again. "No mom, you just don't understand." And then, I was soon distracted by... fish #2.

Fish #2 was my first "real" boyfriend. He went to a different school than me. A private school, ahem. He was also a year younger. Ahem. So naturally? It didn't work out. But I mention him because... your mama {me}... well she must have watched The Notebook one too many times... because again, she found herself in a scene from a movie. A box full of his stuff. Standing in front of his house. Pouring down rain. And saying something around the lines of.... "We could have been something special."

Please tell me that made you laugh as it did me. Please promise to never say such foolish things at such a young age. Please.

And then there was fish #3. Fish number three was what one would call... the summer fling. The fling after high school and right before college. Where you think you're so old and so mature. Where I thought surely by now I knew what love was. Well, obviously by my words "the summer fling" you have probably figured out that that means it didn't work out for long. And you, my lady, are very smart. Because it didn't. And unlike the other two fishes that broke my heart because it just didn't quite work out... this one did because well... he found another fish. Ahem. Your mama was a smart cookie, and the minute her gut said go, she went.  Doesn't mean I didn't cry some big fat ugly tears over him. Doesn't mean I even contemplated for a second hearing him out {don't do that either}. Doesn't mean that I didn't go off to college with the mindset of... no more boys for me.

Because, in fact, I did just that. That last fish changed me. It made me believe that I was chasing love. That I wanted that fairytale and prince charming, and I was most definitely looking in all the wrong places. That should have been the big warning there. I was looking.

You should never look baby. It will come to you. As it did me.

Fish #4. My final fish. The one that came to me. The one that had to win me over. The one that did have that true out of the hollywood movie scene love story right before my eyes. Your father. Although, I will save this for a later letter in time {as I have another novel to write about our love story with you}, but let me just say this.... your father loved me, and showed me what true love was in all the right ways. He perfected the term and loved me harder than I ever thought possible... harder than at times I thought I ever deserved. Pure, straight from the heart kind of love. A love that no amount of words could ever describe.

And like your grandmother told me... and still likes to say to me...

"That Andrew.... he's one in a million kind of fish in the sea."

And you, my dear, will find yours one day. Don't go searching. Don't go chasing this fairytale. This movie scene kind of love. Because I promise you this, when you do find your fish, even if it may take longer, even if it requires patience and trust, just know this... You will instantly realize what true love is truly all about.

Are you smiling yet? I hope so. Now go kiss your papa and tell him thank you for marrying your mama. And then come kiss your mama and give her some warm hugs. She probably feels like she doesn't get them as much as she'd like.

I bet she'll even let you poke fun about all those fishes in the sea.

I love you baby girl. We don't ever want to see tears fall down your face.

Love,
Your 26 year old Mama, That Found Her One Fish in a Deep Sea

Dear Elliana, a big sister letter.

Dear Elliana,

Here we are, my sweet daughter. At the point where I am forced to sit down and finally write this letter to you. A letter that almost slipped my mind until I looked at the calendar the other day and realized... we are full term and could have this baby, your baby brother, at any point now. It's all happening so fast. So real. And I can't pretend any more that our lives are not about to change. For the better.

At this point in my pregnancy, I can't help but think back at what it was like just a little over 2 years ago with you. All the emotions. The nerves. The excitement. I was ready to welcome you into this world, to meet you, to snuggle you up and love on you. To see your features, compare you to your mama and papa, to kiss you, teach you, watch you grow.

I sit back now and think about the feelings that are rushing over me with this pregnancy. They're similar, very much so. The nerves, the excitment, the anticipation. That's all there. But there's also another component that is quite different from the first time around. That being the fear that I feel.

The fear of not knowing what's to come. The fear of not knowing how it will change your life. The fear of not knowing if you will fully comprehend the joy and blessing and the reason behind why we chose to bring another little family member into our family. But most of all, the fear of something happening to me.

I can't help but have that little anxiety now that we are almost at the point. The anxiety that is eating away at me thinking about the "what if. "

I would never want you to go through life thinking that your mama ever thought that you weren't enough. That something was missing that you weren't giving us. That our life wasn't full of love and happiness with you in our lives. Because believe me my sweet baby girl, your life is more than anything we could have ever dreamed of.

I would hope you know that your mama did all this for you. I know how important it is to have a sibling. To have someone so utterly similar to you, and to share such a unique bond with. To grow up together. Share memories between the two of you. Watch the world change. Together.

I know that you are still too young to completely understand what all this means. But I know that one day, when you are older, you will get it.

I hope you know that bringing your brother into this world does not mean that we will love you less. You will always, and forever, be our first born, our love, our happiness, our everything. You have made us into parents. A gift that nothing could ever compare to.

And if something were to ever happen to me, I hope you know that your mama loved you more than life itself. That I will always be present and nearby, even if I can't physically be there. That I trust in you, believe in your strength, and know that you will be something absolutely, utterly, beautiful and amazing in life. To watch over your papa and your brother. To keep them in line. Don't be afraid to let that sass shine through {your papa is used to that you know}, to stand your ground, and to remind them of the beautiful things in life.

I won't even sit here and go into your role as the big sister. What I expect. What I hope for you. Why? Because I just know in my heart that you are going to be the most loving, kind, gentle, loving sister to your brother. You're that way already. You have such a warm heart and you amaze me day in and day out with the amount of love that you share wtih us all. I know the same will be felt by your baby brother. So I thank you now, before he is even here, for being who you are.

I know that everything will be okay. I trust in that. I know that our family will be together, and pretty soon we will be bringing your little brother home.I can't wait for that Elliana. I can't wait for the new life that is about to begin for us all.

So again, I thank you. For your smiles. Your joy. The happiness you bring into our lives. And soon your brother's life. You are truly the most amazing little girl, and we are so thankful and proud to be called your parents.

We love you, more and more with each passing day, forever and ever, to infinity and beyond.

Love,
Mama and your Papa. And baby Graham And Carson too :)

The Happy Two Years Letter to our Daughter

Elliana,
Here I sit again. One year later. Wishing you a happy birthday. I should get used to this. You know... the part of you getting older, birthday celebrations... yearly letters. But I'm not. And I don't know if I ever will. And although we have been at this for two years, I still feel as though you are my baby that I just brought home from the hospital.

I remember that day like it was just yesterday. You were so perfect from the minute we saw you. We fell in love with every feature of yours, every sounds you made, every kick of the arm and leg, every coo and ahh. Even the way you slept with your little tush sticking out, with your ams at your side and your lips all puckered out. The way you cried. The way you would look at us. The way you fit so perfectly into our lives.

And when your papa and I sit down and talk about you as a newborn {which we do often}, we can't help but giggle because baby girl, you are the exact same.

You have been at our side from day one. Never wanting to be far from us. Attached to our every move. Very stubborn and opinionated. Very independent yet needy. Never a dull moment. Keeping us on our toes. Making each and every day exciting, fun, and memorable.

I remember writing about how 'easy' of a baby you were. How I had no idea why anyone would ever complain. And then I saw other newborns. And one by one... your papa and I would say 'Wow. Our sweet E was never that quiet. Never that still. Never that content."

But we didn't know any better. Nor would we have wished any different. Because how you were, and how you are now, is absolute perfection in our eyes. We have loved every moment, milestone, and adventure with you in our lives. Not a day goes by that we aren't blessed by your pesence, your quirky personality, and your contagious smile. Not a day.

I think about the future and what lies ahead. I see you already changing. Your baby features slowly disappearing as you grow thinner, longer, and leaner. I see your personality unfolding. The way you want to make decisions. The way you think through things and the way you act during certain situations. The way....

I hate to say this... the way you are growing up... right before our eyes.

And here come the waterworks.

My sweet, precious, beautiful, daughter Elliana. I wish I could explain to you how badly I want to bottle you up and keep you right by my side just the way you are forever. How badly I wish I could freeze time and savor these sweet childhood memories. How much my heart desires for you to love me like you do now forever and ever.

In your eyes, right now, I am everything. The way you need me. The way you call for me. The way you wrap your arms around me late at night, hold me, and tell me that you love me. Oh, Elliana, if you only knew what you do to me. How you make my heart feel. The way you have changed our lives.

I know they say that you can't possibly describe unconditional love for a child until you become a parent, and here I sit and those words couldn't be more true. There are not enough words, not enough descriptions, not enough ways for me to sit here and try to illustrate the enormous amount of love that your papa and I have for you. The kind of love that one could only dream of. The kind of love that makes us appreciate life on a whole different level. 

Our lives have never been the same since you came into this world, and we are two very lucky people to be able to say that you are our daughter and we are your parents.

Thank you Elliana for making us the happiest people on earth. For your smiles. For your giggles. For the sweetest hugs and warmest kisses. The snuggles. The constant entertainment. The late night chats. The never ending memories.

We look forward to the many years ahead of us, and we hope you always remember just how special you truly are to us baby girl.

'You are so beautiful, you are so smart, you are so special, we love you with all of our hearts."
Love you to the moon and back, infinity and beyond, over and over again,
Mama and Papa.

A Letter to Elliana

5.08.12

Dear Elliana,

It's been a while since I've written you a letter. I know I write them monthly, but I feel as though these kind of letters are different. Just my thoughts... to you. At this moment in time. At this stage in our life.

The now.

And the now? Is me sitting on my break at work with a large cup of ice in hand and this strong urge to write. To you. My sweet precious baby daughter.

I can't ever stop thinking about you. I'm with you all day. Every moment of every day. We are each other's best friend. And yet... the minute you are sleeping, I think about you even more.

I think about how you're sleeping. Whether you are nuzzled up at the far end, or closer to the door. Whether you are cradling your blanket or your stuffed animals. If your mouth is open or closed. And your sweet baby cheeks. Oh those sweet baby cheeks.

If I could just hold you forever and kiss on those cheeks, I would be complete.

I love you so much Elliana. You are my world. Our world. You have done things to us, our lives, and our hearts, that I never thought would be possible.

Every day with you is a new adventure. Every day with you is a challenge to make it better than the last. Every day is so special, unique, and everything I ever hoped and dreamed of in motherhood.

I could kiss you all day. I could hug you for eternity. I could spend every minute of every day showing you just how much I love you.

So that's that. That's all I wanted to say.

I love you.
I love you.
I love you.

May I always show you just how much.

Love,
Mama.

p.s. Happy 1.5 years old my tiny precious baby

Dear Elliana

Time stamped: January 28th, 2012, 03:29 A.M.

Dear Elliana,

I've tossed and turned in my sleep for the past hour. Thinking about you. 
I read something tonight. Something sad. About a mom that passed away so young, leaving behind her 4 young children.And it made me cry. I'm not sure why this story, tonight, now, has affected me so much as I am surrounded by loss day in and day out at work. But it has. And it has made me think about how precious and wonderful this life has been with you in it. 


How blessed and thankful I am to be your mother. To live this life. To take care of you. To laugh with you. Make memories with you. Capture those memories. Enjoy those moments. To see you grow. To see you learn. See you wake up every morning with the absolute most beautiful smile on your face. And how with every day that I spend with you, I pray to God "for just one more." 


I hope there never comes a day that you have to look back on these letters to read how much I love you. I hope it isn't until you are 80 years old. Because I hope to be around that long to tell you every day just how much I truly do, love you.


I never knew a love like this could exist. I dreamt about a love like this. But I just never really knew how strong it was until you were placed into my arms. Here you were this precious innocent child, and I was now your mother. And forever your mother I will be.


I take for granted the days we have together. 


I want to LIVE more with you. I want to enjoy life to the FULLEST with you. I want to give you everything my baby. Every part of life, every part of me, every part of us {your papa and me}, every part of what you deserve.


I want to make you a promise tonight. That I will be the best that I can be. I may not know it all. I may struggle from time to time. I may not be the storybook perfect mom....

But Elliana, I promise you this, I love you more than you will ever know... and I will live each and every day showing you just how much.


Love,
Mama.