Things that make me happy--things that I am thankful for--just the little things in life.

I am most importantly thankful for my health, my family, a roof over our heads, and a Jesus that loves me unconditionally. I am grateful for this life, and there is no doubt about it. However, there are little things that I like to reflect on that I am thankful for. Things in life that pick us up. Things in life that make us smile. Things in life that are gifts and surprises and just plain happy.

Things are good to be thankful for as well. For instance:

I'm thankful for

White chocolate mocha from McDonalds, and being able to go grocery shopping while the kids nap {and husband is home with them}, and pick one of these suckers up on the way. I can't stop talking about it. I went through the drive-thru the other day to order a PSL and the man kindly reminded me that they no longer carry those. That was when he recommended the WCM to me, and I went for it. Best decision I ever made.

The site of Christmas in our house. The sound of Christmas music in our house. And all the fun that is to come. I have been in Christmas mode lately {who isn't}, and although I do respect Thanksgiving {and holding off from putting up the big tree until after}, I still can't help but sneak in a few things here and there. We hung up our advent calendar the other day, and also surprised the kids by having them put up their little Christmas trees in their room. Elliana is over-the-top-obsessed and that makes my holiday heart very very happy. I imagine that as she gets older, she will be my little helper. Who am I kidding here, she already is!

My two children playing quietly together. During their 20 minute i-pad allowance, I sometimes find myself sitting there just watching them. So quiet. It's rare for them to be this quiet. It's amazing though when they are. It's even more amazing to think that they are actually mine. That I grew these babies inside of me. That they are a part of Andrew and I, look like us, and act like us, and will one day to grow up to be parents--just like us. It's amazing to watch the love between them. The way my daughter lights up to see her brother. The way she hugs and kisses on him, as well as put him in a headlock. I know that she will be just as excited for the day that he is able to show her that affection back just as we are.

Baby books--pictures. I am so thankful that we live in a world where we can capture moments and hold on to those moments in the form of a picture. That these pictures have the ability to bring us back into those moments, those feelings at that present time, and allow us to close our eyes and remember. I was sitting on the couch the other day while the kiddos watched a Christmas movie {that's all we do is watch Christmas movies these days}, and I decided to look back on an album I made out of our iphone pictures {I use walgreens.com & shutterfly by the way}. Even though the album I was looking at was from earlier this year, I still couldn't believe how much had changed throughout the course of the past 10 months. A lot. I smiled from ear to ear, and even shed a few tears as I saw precious moments like our time in the hospital after G was born. I know that if I feel the way that I feel today looking at these images, I can only imagine how I will feel 20 years from now.

Being able to dress up. I just don't do it enough.  I rarely spend money on myself these days, and my closet has just been blah to me. I really just need to go on a shopping spree and get rid of everything, but again...I just can't bring myself to do it. I'd rather spend it on these little mini-me's and their adorable little attires. Sigh. The life of a parent.

My girl. My girl who has been a rockstar this past year. My girl who has been my biggest helper throughout the day. G has been teething a lot lately {at least that is what I am blaming it on lately}, and literally does not leave my side. He plays for a little while and then crawls up my leg to be held. I embrace the hugs and kisses and snuggles, but I know my kitchen, laundry, and overall house does not. The thing about E is that she is so patient. She may want to read a book, and in the middle of reading that book is when G decides he wants me and wants me right away. She waits. She waits until he is settled down and then we get back to reading. She helps bring me his diapers. She helps to pick things up and throw them in the trash. She is just such an amazing little girl and has just grown so much in the role of being a big sister. And oldest child.

Girls night. I know I don't do this enough {ever}, and I know I should do this more, but I really enjoy having the time to be able to get away for a few hours and enjoy girl time. Or date night with my man. Sometimes having the opportunity to dress up outside of my mom role, have a few adult beverages, and enjoy adult conversation {outside of work} is really really nice. A group of girls from work went to go see Wicked last Tuesday and I had so much fun. So much fun that I ended up falling asleep during the second half of the show {talk about mom exhaustion}. Either way, I will definitely try to squeeze in things like that more often. Definitely thankful for those opportunities.

This handsome stud. I know that everyone says that their spouse is their best friend, but this guy is far beyond that. Gosh he knows me well. Gosh he loves me hard. And gosh he is just a great person. We have our moments {where I want to wrangle his neck}, but God really knew what He was doing when he put Andrew in my life. I don't think there is anyone out there that could deal with ME {all of me} the way he does. And my family would probably tell you the same thing. So his birthday is coming up, as well as our dating anniversary {8 years!}, and I hope to make it a really really REALLY good one.

This boy for being so darn cute and lovable. I know that I mentioned earlier that my daughter has been so helpful while G has been extra needy, but I also have to say that I am so happy that the two of them are in different ages of their lives. That although little miss is independent and helpful, she is also very... INDEPENDENT and helpful. Which means sass comes along with all that. It's nice then to turn around and have this baby that is all smiles and giggles and just wants to eat my face off. As I do his. So yeah, the balance is good. Plus, have you see his stud muffin look? I mean..... I've gone crazy in shopping for this little guy lately. For the first 10 months of his life he lived in onesies and sweats. Now he gets to finally dress up... and I secretly love dressing a boy more than a girl.

I hope everyone out there is thankful this season. There may be things that aren't going our way. There may be things and times that could be better in our lives. There may be sadness and pain that we just don't know how to take away. There will always be things {and people} that will make us question ourselves and try to take away from the good things in life. But remember, there is always something and someone to be thankful for. Always. That while we may not know it and while we may not see it right away, there is always happiness around us waiting for us to embrace it.

I am thankful this season for every breath that I have been allowed to take, and for every moment I have on this Earth with my family.

That is all I need, and it is all I have to live for.

Happy Thanksgiving.

Hope

A child fills the home with....

Scarves, coats, gloves, and hats laying at the bottom of the steps waiting to be put away at the end of the day. Reminding you of their rosy cheeks while they smiled from ear to ear in the car telling you how much fun they had at the park.

Toys scattered on the ground. The one hundred too many that you own. Reminding you not to buy a single toy ever again because they'd rather play with the water bottles or the pots and pans. But you still do anyway.

Blocks that you periodically step on. Reminding you of how beautiful a child's imagination is. The castles they build. The "homes" they create. And the pain in your foot. 

Surprises underneath the couch. Reminding you to look there more often before things like spoiled milk stenches up your home.

Not to mention the surprises in the couches. Sophie, the Giraffe. Reminding you of the days when this little rubber toy would light up their world. A crayon. A sock. A cracker. Reminding you to never buy nice furniture again.

Baby gates that you have to lift your leg ridiculously high over. Reminding you that you probably need to work out a little more. That and you are getting old.

Crumbs on the floor that you hurry to try to push underneath the couch when an unexpected guest comes over for a play date. That same couch that you remind yourself to look under more often.

A home that also includes your car which you swear contains your life in. So that's where those shoes have been all along. The ones we searched high and low for months.  And the tap shoes, reminding you that Saturday will be here soon. That your daughter will be dancing {most likely running} around like a ballerina.

Foot prints on the car seat from your toddler climbing in Making you ask yourself when the last time you actually cleaned this car that used to hold your designer bags, your shoes from the night before, and clothes that may very well have dust on them for all they do is hang in your clost.

Sass, tantrums, and a whole lot of defiance. As they grow older, the challenges that we face as they learn consequences, right from wrong, and rules of the world. The crying out of nowhere, the whining for every little thing, and the thought process that they are much older and wiser than they are. So they think.

But most importantly... A child fills the home with:

Love. Undeniable, amazing, beautiful love. The way they hold you. The way they need you. The way they ask for you. Smile at you. Look up to you as though you are a celebrity. They are our biggest fans and its the greatest kind of love on Earth.

Laughter. The belly giggles. The sneaky giggles. The what in the world are those little legs doing and little arms swinging at giggles. The ones that can change your mood in a split second. Where you want to be mad, you want to hold your ground, and then they do it to you. They throw you that smile or giggle at something ridiculous and you just let it all go. And the great thing about it? It never gets old.

Happiness. Something about these children is truly infectious. No matter how upset, no matter how tired, no matter how frustrated you might be with your cable.... these little ones fill the home with happiness. They are infectious around you. All they live for is happiness. And as a result, they want to fill you up with it too.

Memories. Everything around you is a constant reminder. "Look honey, that's where E took her first steps." And look, that high chair in the corner, the one E smashed her little face in. The same one that G will soon be put in to enjoy his first "real" meal. The onesies that you pack up. Those remind you of how fast they grow. The shoes that you sell at the garage sale. Remind you of their first steps they took. Everything seems to be a constant memory.

Lastly, they fill the home with:

Hope. Hope for a better tomorrow and a brighter future. When I look at my children, I see hope. I hope that they continue to grow to see the world for the good that it can be. Carry a bit of their innocence along the way. To encourage others, help them, and model the morals and values that we believe in.

I have hope. And it's in the form of these two children.

They give me hope for a better tomorrow.

May We All Remember to... Just Dance

If you would have asked me 5 years ago if I thought that a daughter of mine would be standing on tippy toes and twirling in a tutu, I would have never believed you. One, because I just couldn't have imagined what it would be like to have a daughter. And two, because the things that I was interested in as a child never came close to anything involving a tutu or ballet shoes.
Now, let me just preface by saying that I am not a girly girl type girl. And what I mean by that is I never did dance myself nor shown any interest in it, so being a "dance mom" and "dance recitals" is all new to me.

Also? I don't take it very seriously.

So much so, that I'm pretty sure E was one of the only girls with no makeup on and her hair was not in a perfect hair sprayed bun. The lady even came over to me to ask me if I wanted her to fix E's hair? She completely caught me off gaurd, that it took me a brief moment to even open my mouth. "No, thank you." What do you mean fix her hair, I thought to myself. I think it is perfect just the way it is.

Anyways, off course already. Like I said, I don't take this whole dance thing too seriously. Not to mention, she's my baby. She's two.

So we had first heard about the recital on week 2 of dance class. From the looks of how dance class was going already {you know, Elliana staring at herself in the mirror and sometimes, accidentally, hitting her tap shoes against that said mirror}, I assumed that it would just be a clustered mess. But. How could a mom ever say NO to her baby's first dance recital? So you want me to write a check for some dance outfits that they will only wear once? Sure, why not! All while thinking... this better be a darn good show.

Regardless, I was counting down the days.

When the day arrived that we had the recital, I again, 8 weeks into this gig, thought that it was going to be a clustered mess. In fact, we were not even able to attend the practice rehearsal, as we were out of town the week that they had it.

After arriving to the studio, Elliana was intrigued to see so many little girls around her. She stood around kind of taking it all in for a moment, and kept to herself. This is the part where I had mentioned at the beginning. Where I, the non-dancer mom, is trying to get her outfit put on and hair perfectly well done. Well, you know, in my eyes.

Andrew ended up meeting us at the studo after work, and you can tell his was just as surprised, as I was, to see his little baby looking like a beautiful little girl. We both kind of stood there speechless for a couple moments. Reminding ourselves... we created this. She is ours.

The girls soon lined up, and Elliana just stood there. Again, looking around her. Not sure of what was to come. At this point, I was sure that she wouldn't go on stage. Or that she would want me to go wtih her. The crowd, the noise, the unknown, were just a few of the things that I thought would scare her off.

But I was wrong. Yet again.

She walked up on stage. Standing straight up there looking out into the crowd. Right next to the teacher. And as the music turned on and the instructor proceeded to ask the girls to do certain steps and moves. She did it. And it was by far one of the cutest things I ever did see. Up there, our baby, on a stage. I would have never been able to imagine that 2.5 years ago when we first held her in our arms.

It was short and sweet, and as the show ended and Elliana heard the loud clapping and cheering from the audience, she lit up. And she ran into my arms and she said "Mama I did it." And when it was over, all she kept saying was, "I dance again, lets do it again."

She had fun. She loved it. That is all I could ever ask for.

And so we ended the night. Our first dance recital night.

Actually, it's Elliana's night. But just as equally, it is also ours. Because it's a big deal to us. Us parents. Seeing another first in our daughter's life. Watching her learn and light up on stage. It's our moment to be proud. Not because she did the right moves or that she mastered a certain dance. But because she is ours, and we are proud of that.

No matter what she does in the world or how great she is at what she does, it will never change the fact that we our proud.

And I hope she always remembers that.

My Favorite Part About THIS Age. 5 months and 2.5 YEARS.

5 months

The way they grab your face. Squeeze it with all their fingers. And stare. The way he just looks into my eyes and without saying anything at all, he seems to find a way to have a complete conversation with me.

The way they babble. Their tiny voices eager to sound like the rest of us. It makes me wonder what goes on in his head. What he may be thinking that very instant. What he wished he could be saying to us. But the way they screech and are so high pitched just makes me giggle every time.

The smell. The baby smell that disappears right around the time that they turn 1. Or is it 2? I can't quite remember. But he has that smell. I breathe it in like it's some sort of cure. The perfect medicine to happiness. Just from that simple baby smell.

The helpless cries. Those cries, as pitiful as they may be, are by one of the cutest things about babies. The wimper. The scrunched up nose. The stream of tears running down their face. Even though I hate to ever hear my babies cry... something about the way they cry when they are this young just captivates me.

The feet. Don't even get me started on how many times a day I nibble on toes and kiss tiny size miniature Andrew feet. They are Andrew's by the way... without a doubt.

The way they open up their mouth when you kiss them. It's their way of kissing back. And just the thought of my child kissing me back just reminds me of all the exciting things we have to look forward to.

The baby rolls, the squishy cheeks, the full kissable lips. Why are babies made to just be kissed on all day? I get it. I get why they have the rolls. Why counting each one while kissing them becomes a game that you play every day. Because you never want to stop kissing them.

The way they need you. Always. Everytime they see you. They don't want you to leave their sight. And they make it known. And even if you just want to get something done for 2 seconds... just knowing, knowing that they want you in the same room with them always, is nice. Very nice.

2.5 Months {years}.{ I just wrote months, when I meant years, and I won't erase it because it's like.. wow...my baby is growing up.}

The talking. The never ending talking. The constant questions. The repitition. The talking, alone. It never gets old. Their sweet voice and inflection in their tone is just so captivating and intriguing to listen to. Even when you cannot understand 25% of what they say. Most of the time, you can figure it out. But just the way that E puts her sentences together now. From start to finish. The noun, the verb, the adjective, pronoun, preposition. It's amazing what they pick on. And how quickly they pick up on it.

The play. The imaginary. The with other kids. The mocking. The I want to be big play. All sorts of play. Their minds are full of imagination and it is amazing to see it all come out while they play. E doesn't have any imaginary friends yet, but she does play "house" with her stuffed animals and dolls a lot.

The singing. Oh my. I remember when Elliana was a baby and I had read about a girl her age singing a song on the radio, and the thought of E doing that in the future had blown me away. When they are a baby it's hard to even fathom them doing such big girl things, and yet, her she is, doing that exact same thing I only dreamed about. Their tiny voice when they sing is so.... pure. It can pick you up when you are down, bring an instant smile on your face, and truly brighten your day. The first song that E ever sang from the radio? Call me maybe. Ha. Now we listen to a kiddy CD every time we get into the car. She knows all those songs too....

The way they help. Elliana loves to help. She wants to cook dinner with me. Help me clean the floors {that I don't know...}, and help bring me stuff when I need it. I imagine that one day my child will love to do chores as well, right? I only hope so.

The way they sleep. This never gets old. I have loved to watch Elliana sleep ever since she was born. Just like I love to watch Graham sleep. And to this day.... seeing her nuzzled up to a pillow, in a blanket, or against her baby brother, papa, or mama is just so beautiful. I love to just stare at every feature of hers. Every strand of hair. Count her fingers and toes. And study everything about her. It's like my way of wishing to freeze these moments for the future. When I know I'll need them..... like when my baby is off to her first prom.

The way they want you. Not just need you like they did when they were helpless little babies. But the way that they ask for you. The way that they ask for kisses and hugs. The way that they get excited to see you and want to spend every waking moment with you. Everything about your child wanting you is so special.
-----

I need to remind myself to do this more often. To keep a consistent trail of my thoughts during different ages. I feel like I do that with their monthly updates, but something about doing it this way just reminds me of... the little things in life.

The only thing I love more than their current ages...
Is watching them grow and learn new things.

Although I love having them be little...
I love even more watching them be big.

Feeling Sorry for Baby #2

There are many days that I catch myself saying "Man, I feel bad for second babies." Whether that be to myself, my girl friend, or my husband. Many times, Andrew and I may even have in depth conversations about this. Often times, it's just a mention here and there.

Regardless, we feel bad at times. Not because our son is deprived. Not because he isn't loved, played with, or enjoyed. Not because he is lacking or missing anything in his life. Nothing of that sort.

The reason we feel bad is because we tend to compare his first few months versus Elliana's. Again, not because he is treated differently, but because life is different compared to the first.

Here arev my top 3 reasons:
With E, I feel as though all I did, all day every day, was cuddle with her. Honestly, I remember those first few months as some of the best, most relaxing, times of the newborn stage. Often times, we would just lounge around the couch. Her head either on my chest, or her sitting up against my knees. Giggles. Laughs. Lots of talking. Squeezing her cheeks. And plain old loving her.

With Graham, I have to actually work to make time in the day to give him that special one-on-one time. Sure, he is with me the majority of the day, either in my arms being held, or in the carrier. However, that isn't what I call quality interaction. So I make an effort to put him down, play with his little legs, kiss on his toes, and really talk to him. Really talk to him. However, I know it doesn't even come close to the amount of time that I was able to devote to E when she was this age.

With E, she stayed home a lot. I didn't take her out to public much, aside from the typical grocery run. We'd go visit family, and sometimes a friend. But other than that? Most days were spent at home. And that's exactly what I liked.

With G, that little man gets taken anywhere and everywhere. Elliana is into activities. We do toddler time 3 times a week. We have dance or another sport of some sort once a week. We go to grocery runs, park days, walks to the neighbors, and anything else our little hearts desire, multiple times a day. We are just plain old out and about. Thankfully he has been a big trooper with it, and doesn't seem to mind {mainly sleeps right through it}, but a part of me feels bad, for whatever reason.

With E, we took more pictures, focused more on each first and over analyzed every little thing.

With G, we are the complete opposite. We relax more, worry less, and each first and milestone is not as extreme for us. Now, they are certainly celebrated with joy and excitement. We acknowledge those firsts. We praise G for the firsts. But we just don't get all uppity over certain things. Which, could be considered a good thing and not necessarily as "feeling bad" for baby #2.

Overall, the reason that I thought to even write about this and bring it up, is because I love my little man  just as I love Elliana and I hope he always knows that. I celebrate his life and the blessing that he has brought to our family, just as I did Elliana. But there are certainly things that make me go... "Wow, I wish there was the time that I had with E to have with G." Not because I feel as though I am missing out on anything, or that he is, but because I just feel like he is as deserving as she was of that time. And unfortunately, for those second babies, they are born into a slightly different world then their brothers or sisters.

I hope G man never feels second. I hope both my children always remember how much they are loved and appreciated in their own unique special ways.

They are so similar, yet so different.
But loved, all the same.

Super Why...It's what I live for

4.23.13

Well. Not exactly. But you see, I had one of those moments, and it so happened to be during a live performance of a cartoon show, where I found myself looking at Andrew and saying..."This is what I live for."

Let me elaborate here.

I love the newborn stage. I do. It is so wonderful to have those tiny little bodies depend on us, need us, and thrive from us. The decisions that we make, and the care that we provide is what stimulates them to grow, in all aspects. Physically, mentally, emotionally, and socially.

But what I love more than the newborn stage, is the growing stage. You know, in other words, all the other stages.

When I first became a mother, I had already started planning all the "fun" that we would have years ahead. Not exactly literally planning, but more so thinking about. I couldn't wait for the park, the swimming, the strawberry picking, pumpkin carving, homemade painting type of fun. And so, as Elliana grew and we were able to check off another first off the list, it just got me even more excited for the stages ahead.

So naturally, when we went to the Super Why live show and surprised her, I was counting down the days. I remember sitting at work squirming like a teenager, beaming from ear to ear, telling my fellow co-workers how excited I was for the weekend to come.

They would look at me as though I had lost my mind.

Many had even assumed that it would be just the two of us, Elliana and I. When I told them that Andrew would be absolutely devastated if he couldn't go with us, they looked at me funny. "Why? It's a cartoon show," I could hear them saying.

The thing is, Andrew enjoys all these moments just as much as I do. To see our daughter light up. To see her clap and dance and jump up with joy. Its what we live for. These moments. These proud incredible parenting moments.

So the show? All 2 hours that we were there? Was absolutely perfect. Elliana still talks about it and we have already started looking into other shows that we can attend.

Yes, I just devoted an entire post to Super Why, and you know what, I am not embarrassed to admit it. It was one of my favorite motherhood experiences and I always want to remember that feeling. That smile on my daughter's face.

This. This is what I live for.

I'm THAT Mom

That freaks out when my husband tries to carry our kiddos on his shoulders. He knows better than that. Or when I see little ones playing at the park on high places. Or toddlers on top of ladders. I picture head injuries left and right. I have finally let E explore at the park on her own... but it still terrifies me. And I'm usually {but trying hard to not be} in arms length. Yes, I am that mom.

That the thought of sending my children to school 8-4 and not seeing their stinky gross sweaty little bums all day? Sends me into full blown panic attacks. Yes, I am that mom that enjoys every second with my children...even when they drive me up the wall, over and over again... and because of them I have grey hair. At the ripe age of 26. Seriously....

That when given the option of doing something with friends or spending time with the family, I always choose family. Even if I only see my friends a couple times a year. I will be the one that says "yes" but then at the end start backing out. Yes, I am that mom that my friends talk about. I am working on saying yes more.

That if you were to ask someone that knew me to say just one thing about me.... they would probably say something around the lines of "Her life revolves around her kids." Yes, I am THAT mom that plans around my kids. That chooses to do things based on their schedules. That puts their needs first.  That broke that rule that people talk about.

That calls her little daughter her "best friend." Why is that so silly? It's not. I have three best friends. My husband, my daughter, and my son. Yes, I am that mom. And there is absolutely nothing wrong with that.

That has to go to grandma and grandpa's house with the kids in order to make sure that they don't accidentally fall, that I'm there when they need me, and that I've kissed every "boo boo," skinned knees and all, right when it happens. The mom that is attached.

That goes out to dinner with her husband, that rare 2 times a year, and spend the whole time talking about our kids. Yes, that mom and that dad that broke that rule. Arrest me.

You see I am that mom just like you are that mom. Because that to me has no meaning at all. We are the moms we want to be. We are unique in our own ways. Parent differently. Discipline differently. Love differently.  Choose things different. Live differently. We cannot compare one to the other because we are just that... different.

So I will never apologize for putting my children first. I will never apologize for spending the amount of time that I do with my children. I will never apologize for anything that I do as a parent.

Yes, there are dreams out there. Careers for certain women. Rich, wonderful friendships to be had. Yes, I know this.

But to me? Those dreams and careers and close friendships are right here right within our home. Everything else? If it fits, it fits. If it doesn't? It doesn't.

Because at the end of the day, the only people I have to be accountable to... are my children. And that mom, I am proud of.

Family, and watching our children grow

My littlest nephew turned one last month and we were able to celebrate this beautiful day with the whole family. I am always reminded about how precious family is and how important it is to make time for them. My brother and I always dreamed, talked, about days like today. How one day our children would grow up together. How we would get to watch them. The holidays. The two of us with our own families. Becoming parents. Being parents.

It's all so amazing that we are here, today, and we are watching our children grow.

He has two. I have two. There will mostly likely be more. On my end, for sure. On his, we shall see. Regardless though, it's amazing to see where we are today. The two of us, as parents. And to watch this little family grow into something bigger.

The dream of large family holidays and becoming these parents that we talked about being as young children ourselves is finally coming true.

And it's pretty neat to watch.

This was supposed to be a post with just pictures and silence, but somehow I caught myself remembering 4.5 years ago, standing with my nervous brother in the waiting room for a minute, talking about this new life he was getting ready to be embraced with.

Look where we are now.

Some Days, I think to myself... I can totally have 19 kids.

If you had asked me the question, "What do you think about that Duggar lady," 5 years ago... the first, and only word, that would come out of my mouth to perfectly describe my thoughts would be "Crazy."

Crazy for having 19 kids. Crazy for birthing 19 kids. Crazy for being pregnant most of her life. Just plain old crazy.

Today, if you were to ask me "So what do you think about that Duggar lady," my exact honest response would be, "Lucky."

Now now, before I convince you that I have completely fallen off the rocker and went somewhere out of this world, bare with me and my {somewhat} crazy, unstable way of thinking as I explain my reasoning.

You see, as I added another addition to the family {hi Graham!}, I quickly realized what it was like to love two children. What it mean to have your "heart grow" in size, and what it was like to now have TWO children that love you unconditionally. I proved every feeling and thought I had on "loving another child" wrong, and it was a huge testament to the future of our little family.

And so when I sat on the couch the other day, I couldn't help but think about my children. Present and future. While I was deep in thought, Elliana walked up to me and said "Hugs and kisses mama?" She caught me off gaurd. "Why, yes, baby, thank you," I say back to her after we exchange the sweetest of kisses and longest of hugs. Then I looked down at Graham, who instantly threw me the biggest toothless smile after our eyes met.

And I smiled. I smiled so big that my heart hurt from smiling. Gosh, I am getting mushier and mushier by the day.

And I just couldn't help to think what it would be like to add another. I imagine it will feel the same one day. To fall in love with motherhood that much more. To not share the love, but to have it grow.

So while I'm sitting there, I begin to think about the dear Duggar lady. How LUCKY she is to have such a large family. To have her heart grow 19 times the normal size. To experience the greatest kind of loves out there. 19 times.

I used to think... how does she do it? How does she keep going throughout the day. How does she homeschool all of her children. Maintain the home. Be so patient. And show her children individual love.

Now, before you go thinking that I'm going to be racking on the kids left and right because of this post... just know... our "number" is THREE.

But? If I had endless amounts of money, a large home, and the guts? I would totally have 19 kids.

In my dreams.

And no, we will not be having 19 kids. Or 10. Or 7. Maybe three. Okay, maybe four.

Just Us-Our Day-Our Pictures

I don't take the camera out as much as I used to. Sometimes a week goes by. Sometimes two. I want to make myself more accountable about this. I want to be able to capture our days more. Just us. Our routines. Our usual.

It only takes a few minutes to snap a few photos, yet I can't even bring myself to do that these days. Pictures with the phone? Sure. But actual photos with the actual camera? Hard at times. Most days, time just goes by so fast you just seem to forget.

So, this is me, reminding myself how important it is to just take a few pictures a day.
To really freeze time.
To remember.

Because it goes by too fast.

Sometimes, You Need Those Reminders

Today, was one of those days.
Where I needed a reminder, of how precious this life that I have been given. The children that I have been blessed with. The husband who has been by my side through it all.

My heart is full, my life is rich. Every day should be a blessing. Every day is a gift. So why, ever, shall we take it for granted. Every day should be approached as if it were our last. Cliche, I know.

But how true is this statement. Really. Think about it.

I catch myself getting frustrated with Elliana, over things I shouldn't get frustrated about. She opens this drawer. "No Elliana." She opens that drawer. "Mama said please don't." She smirks. She opens another drawer, "Elliana, what did mama say," and then she runs away only to come back two seconds later and do it again. And I get flustered. We're trying to walk out the door to make it to toddler time. The baby is crying. The dog is barking. And Elliana is running away from me.

I just need to get her shoes on.

I raise my voice. "Elliana, you are NOT going to go to toddle time if you don't start listening to me, RIGHT NOW."

She eventually acknowledges me. We get those shoes on, one foot at a time. And finally, after what seems like forever, we get out of the door.

I take a deep breathe in at the car and I feel rushed and upset.

Over what? The fact that my toddler isn't listening to me in this particular moment? Did she not move fast enough? Did she not come to me quick enough? Did she ignore me? Push my buttons? Step on my toes. Literally and figuratively.

SO. WHAT.

I have to have moments like this, where I remind myself how absolutely absurd and ridiculous is, of us parents, to have such high expectations from these little human beings. That sometimes we think that we need to raise little soldiers who know the "rules of life" as soon as they start exploring the world around them.

I look at my children and I can't help but think how incredibly blessed I am. To still be breathing. To still have their health, my health, my husband's health. I look around me and hear of these tragic stories. Children Elliana's age being diagnosed with cancer. Babies Graham's age passing from SIDS. And I remember just how precious life truly is. 

I want to live each day CELEBRATING life with my children. Setting boundaries, yes, but celebrating life, every opportunity possible. To pause before I speak. To bend down and take those extra moments to just talk to them. To not get frustrated when things don't go my way, on my time. To embrace every giggle and smile, whole heartedly. To tell them I love them every opportunity I get, even more than I already do. To just let go.

I do these things, I do them 90% of the time. But I want to do it that extra 10%. I want to do it always. Because there are some moms, that no longer get to say "no." They no longer get the opportunity to get frustrated or upset. They don't get to run late to the doctor's appointment. They don't get to vent their frustrations to their friends about their toddler that doesn't listen. They just don't get to.

And although I realize this, frustrations and all, are all a part of life, I can't help but want to take these moments and work harder at being better.

To take these moments to remember.

To remember, how unbelievably lucky I am to be able to hold my children and husband at night.

Video Camera

As I was sitting on the computer, sorting through my pictures, I stumbled upon these images of my husband and daughter. I immediately smiled. My happiness... in a photo.

My eyes quickly darted over to what was in Andrew's hands and that got me thinking. Videos. We don't have enough.

Simple as that.

Pictures? We have more than plenty. Enough for us to make movies upon movies just filled with images. Images that can easily tell a story. Remind us of a memory. And have an emotional affect, each and every time.

What about videos though. Do we have plenty of those? Do we even have enough? The answer to that is No. Any which way I try to reason as to why.. the answer always come down to no, we don't.

So I am making a goal. A promise to myself. To take it out more. To capture our everyday. The giggles. The milestones. The happiness within our home.

A lady I work with was telling me the other day, how her and her husband have "family movie night" with their girls. Who are teenagers by the way. They pop a bag of popcon and then the four of them reminisce over the good old days.

I want that to be us. I want our children to smile when they see somthing funny they did when they were younger, laugh at the way heir mama talked, and have our voics and images to hold onto forever, even long after Andrew and I are gone.

I don't ever want to forget these moments... but if I do... if my memory fails to stay with me through the years, I hope to have something as simple as a DVD to place in the player to relive these moments I cherish.

So, we shoot more. We keep the video camera downstairs and turn it on for 5 minutes here and there.

These babies are growing so fast. I just don't ever want to skip a beat.

Parenting. There is no concrete definition.

Photo C/O The Siners Photography

Parenting. It's an interesting concept. There are so many experts that will tell you this is the right way, that is the wrong way, this will help your child grow and develop into a kind, patient, strong individual, this way will surely raise the next child with... problems. Whatever those problems they predict will be.

The dilemma with the experts defining parenting is that every opinion is differing. Sure, some may reflect many of the same values. Yes, overall everyone can give you a general idea of their definition of parenting. But, when you start to dig deep into each different category pertaining to parenting, you will then begin to run into conflicting statements, styles, and viewpoints.

Parenting changes you as a person. You are no longer thinking about yourself and your needs. Nothing is black and white to you anymore. Everything requires checks and double checks. And changes? They are a constant in our lives. One minute you think you know it all. The next you find yourself dumbfounded by something you just discovered.

If we were always questioning ourselves, think about how the women 50 years ago felt. When there was no such thing as car seats to protect their children. How about 20+ years ago when women were urged to formula feed verus breast. How about the times when mothers were told to put babies on their belly to sleep. A mother told not to hold their baby too much, that attachment is bad, and that babies need to learn to cope. A mother told to not love on their baby. Seems ridiculous at times, right?

"Do it this way. No don't do it this way. Do it that way. No wait, that's not good for the baby either. "

So I wonder. What will I look back on in 20 years? What will the experts say I did wrong then?

I am a confident mother. I know that what I'm doing is best for my children with the knowledge I have with me in this present day. Is it what every other mother is doing? Probably not, as all mothers are different. Is it what is most recommended? Maybe. But does it mean that the future experts and researchers will agree with all the decisions that are made by mothers in this present day? Absolutely not.

I hope that my children will always be aware that any decisions that I made as a parent has kept their best interest in mind. That before any expert, research article, or "trend" of the day, I used my motherly instinct, the knowledge that I hold, and followed my heart with every aspect of motherhood.

Sometimes, I learned from my own mistakes. Sometimes, I challenged myself to find different solutions or options for my children. Sometimes, I read and read and read until my eyes were going to fall off.

Sometimes, I didn't read at all.

I don't believe there will ever be one definition of the perfect parenting style. Parenting is so complex as it is. So many different categories, so many different ways of going about things, so many different experts and differing opinions. It's one of the most controversial topics to date.

I don't believe you could ever describe the "perfect mother." That does all the right things, at all the right times, with all the right experts backing her up.

To me, the perfect mother is one that loves first, and unconditionally.

Everything else? That all will just fall into place.

Flashcards with Toddlers

This may be a boring post {for many}, however, one of the questions that was asked of me from the "ask me anything" post {I know, forever ago}, was about learning and our use of flashcards. Only fitting that the day after I plant the seed about my homeschooling dreams, that I talk about one of our favorite learning tools, flashcards.

So, learning.

It is something that, as a parent, we hold very near and dear to our hearts. The process of teaching our children and then watching them soak it in and master a certain skill, letter, animal, or concept and read it back. Lets take it a step further and have them actually apply those skills to real life. Rewarding It is so interesting and so gratifying to be on the other end. To see your children not only learn, but to enjoy doing so.

We have never been "strict" in our learning. I never want to contain my child and force her to do anything she did not want to do. I wanted to make sure that there was a routine set in place, but not one in which my daughter would dread or complain about. The best way for me to incorporate what I would like to call school time {in other words, learn as you play time} was to first introduce flashcards.

Flashcards have been a daily part of our "school time" since Elliana was about 6 months old. They were the first thing that I introduced to her at a young age and the one of the many things we still take out to this day. Initially, we just started out by showing the flashcards, having her feel those flashcards, and continue to repeat repeat and repeat the words.

We have about 12 different sets, containing over probably 400 cards. Repetition. Sensory. Colors. Shapes. Numbers. ABCs. Animals. Each flashcard providing a list of learning opportunities. We could spend a couple minutes on one flashcards just discussing how many objects are in the picture. Discussing all the different colors. Talking about the sound that the animal makes. What the animal likes to do or eat. How they are unique. By around 20 months old, she had mastered all of them, and we could zip right through them in a matter of minutes.

Flashcards were a great foundation and opened up so many various learning opportunities. We then focused on alphabet sounds and learning what sound each letter made. The flashcards allowed us to play with this a little bit, as we would exaggerate the first letter of every word when we would talk about them. And she could actually visualize it more and put the sound to the letter. After Elliana mastered this, we have now turned to spelling. I never really thought we would be spelling at age 2, but we are, and it is super fun. So far she can recognize these words and spell them out loud when asked: mama, papa, elli, cat, dog, fish, milk, ball, bed, bat, boy, hat, box, at.  Other words that she can recognize {but not yet spell}: mouse, house, apple, can, run, red, girl, go, no, not. Those are just some that I can remember off the top of my head. I know it isn't much, but I just discovered her desire to spell a couple weeks ago, so this has just now been our main focus.

 I cannot wait to see where we go from here.

There are many other tools that we have used in teaching Elliana. I have written a brief post about this in the past, but at the end of the day, I believe that you do not have to own every puzzle, flashcard, magnet, and anything else out there to stimulate those little brains. I believe they are great tools, and children definitely love to see and feel things when learning, but I also believe that the most important tool that you can give a child is just simply showing them the world and talking to them through it.

That is the key right there. Talking and playing with them.

You can throw them out there, you can show them the zoo, you can give them the tools, bunless you are right there with them, conversing, interacting, playing, then what good will all that do?

So not only do we get to have fun with our children, but we also get to teach them something. I have to remind myself to use EVERY opportunity available. As we are getting dressed in the morning, while we are eating breakfast together, going out for walks, and any other little day-to-day tasks. We use those times to practice what we've learned. Repeating days of the week, spelling different words, and so forth.

You know, it's one of the greatest rewards of parenthood. Watching our children learn, and more importantly, learn from us.

And I am definitely looking forward to all the learning opportunities ahead of us.
-------
Some great resources online:
Alphabet Crafts
Alphabet Tracing
Alphabet Coloring Pages
Alphabet Worksheets

Flashcard link: My First Touch & Feel Picture Cards: First Words (MY 1ST T&F PICTURE CARDS)

The Day I did not pay the bill. The Day I followed my heart.

3/25/13

How ironic, that on the day I published the post on signing Elliana up for preschool was the same day that I, or should I say, we, my husband and I, made the decision to back out of this whole pre-school gig and follow our hearts. My heart. Husband just happened to finally jump on board with it.

So the bill I speak of? The final "this is it" preschool bill? I decided not to pay. We had paid an initial deposit fee the day we signed up, and this was the second part that would hold her spot starting in the fall. Although I will not be seeing the deposit back, that did not bother me one bit. Not for a second. In fact, I would have paid to get her out of the program if that is what it would take. And, she had not even started yet.

You're probably wondering what happened, why the change of heart.

The thing is... there was never a change of heart about this. My heart has always told me one thing and one thing only: not to start. Not yet.

Then why did I sign her up to begin with? Because that's what I thought you were supposed to do.
You see, we go through the steps of motherhood. We make decisions. We follow the path of "what's next for this age," and the majority of the time we do what everyone else is doing... because... well... we think that's what we are "supposed to do." Especially if, we were raised that way.

Andrew and I both? Preschool-12 public school kids. And I think we turned out just fine. I think. But does that mean that I am supposed to do the same with my children? Does that mean that my children will have as good of experience as us? No. Unfortunately, as parents, we do not have the capability of seeing into the future. If we did, we would be able to see which path would serve best for our families. If we did, we would be able to prevent the "bad" from happening. Since we do not have the capability, we have to use our best judgement, or gut feelings, and follow our hearts when it's leading us a certain direction.

And my heart? My gut? My judgement? Was leading me to keep her at home with me..
The day that I had made the decision to place Elliana into this preschool was done so prematurely. I did not give myself enough time to think through all this, and I felt a little "pressured" persay to get things going, get her signed up, and check another thing off the list.

I was on maternity leave. Sign up day was February 1st. The preschool that I wanted to get her in from the beginning was booked up by 8:15 am, fifteen minutes after sign up day. So she was placed on a waiting list. We then went scouting for other preschools and I really liked the one that we had finally chosen. There was only 1 spot left, so I got nervous, signed her up, and that was that.

The next day I had to drive to the church to pay my deposit fee since they were holding my spot. I cried. I got a sick feeling in my stomach. I just knew it wasn't right. Yet, I found myself inside, holding Elliana's hand on one side, and the carseat in the other as I handed the sweet lady my check.

But since that day I just did not feel like it was right. Something was telling me that I was doing this for all the wrong reasons.

When you think about the reasons we send our children to school, the first things that come to mind are socialization and education.

1. Socialization. She gets that multiple times a week. Toddler time every M-T-F where she gets to read books, dance, and do crafts with other littles. Children's museum year membership where is she is around many kids her age and she is able to learn and discover. We have a zoo membership as well, although that is not as close interaction, she still gets to see others her age and we get the opportunity to continue to talk about the animals and key characterstics with these animals. Saturdays are devoted to sport or activity day, such as gymnastic, dance, and art/music class. And of course we get together with friends and their babies at the park, at our house, and out for little playdates.

2. Education. She was getting everything at home. Has known all her ABC's {lower case, upper case recognition, and all the sounds}, shapes, colors, numbers, and knows more animals than I could ever tell you {like the difference between a parrot, a bird, and an eagle}. And you know what, I am proud of that. Because I know that what I have done has helped her learn all these things in our normal day-to-day setting. She loves to learn. She loves to read. She will sit and do her flash cards for an hour without me even telling her to do so. She actually, truly, genuinely enjoys it. And that? I don't want her to lose that.

At the end of the day, I want to be the one that influences my child's learning. What she is learning, and how she is learning it. At the end of the day, I want to be the one that instills the morals and values that are important to our family. At the end of the day, I do not want to miss a single moment with her during her development, especially while she is this young and growing so fast.

My heart has always lead me to homeschool. My husband is not there yet. I cannot tell you with 100% certainty that come K-12 time, that we will for sure homeschool. Why? Because I cannot tell you what the future holds.

What I can tell you, is that if nothing changes from here on out, that my heart and mind is definitely leading me that direction, and I believe that with time, my husband will see the positives in this decisions. Because after all, we are a team, and I want to go into this whole-heartedly with my husband's support.

But today? Today my heart is at ease. I know that I have made the right decision for Elliana and our family.

Am I out of a little money? Sure. But who cares about that. I have a piece of mind and the knowledge that I hold.

Look, the "homeschool" decision topic is a completely separate post from this. I could write for days about this topic. Why the school system terrifies me, why I think that homeschooling can be very beneficial for children {if done the right way}, and why I think that as a society, we need to be more open to the various aspects of learning.

And I am certainly not here to tell you what is best for your family. I am not telling you that sending your child to the traditional school system is bad.

What I  am just saying is that I am doing what any mother out there would do when she has a "feeling" about something, a heart pulling her toward a particular path. I follow it.

I follow it and I don't look back.

Where's the crime in that?

On Life with Two... 4 months later

I'd like to write about our lives as a family four as the months, and years, go by. Just so I can remember how things changed, how we learned to grow and understand our children and their dynamics, and my overall feelings on being a mama of two.

Things change you know. Things, somehow, get easier, better, and more fun. You seem to become smarter, wiser, and more fun. And even your relationship with your significant other, somehow, seems to develop into something better.

The other day, I looked over at Andrew and said those exact words..... "Wow, it's so much easier now. So much more fun. So much better."

What is?

Life with two.

Coincidentally, it was at the same exact time that we hit the 4 month mark for Graham. Which I still cannot believe.

So here we are, four months after being blessed with our son's life, and we are at a really good happy place. Now, I'm not saying that everything is peaches and butterflies. Andrew would probably have a whole different perspective to tell you on life with two. Simply because, he is the one having to wrangle the two alone 3 nights a week while I'm at the hospital. That being said, I too, am sure that will get easier and better with time.

But, lets focus on how life has been with two.

WHAT HAS BECOME EASIER

Everyday things like dishes, laundry, and picking up the house has gotten easier. Graham is now at an age where he loves to look around, loves to stare at E and Carson, and loves to play with toys. So? Naturally? He can self-entertain more. Which in return has allowed me more time to actually wash more dishes, fold the clothes that have sat there for over a week, and make the house look semi-presentable for guests. Now, again, Andrew's perspective? It still isn't spotless as his OCD self would like it to be. However, I told him that he will have to wait 20+ years for that to happen. Well, maybe just like 15. Teenagers are capable of picking up after themselves, yes?

Less fuss. Graham is out of that newborn stage and truly a fun infant now. I don't have to walk around the house with him all day every day to keep him happy during awake hours. We can actually all go outside, and I can sit with him in my lap and we can watch E play. I can put him in the bouncer and dance like a fool in front of him. I know what he wants, when he wants it, and how to get it to him. And as a result? Everyone's much happier.

Less fuss from E. Although she is still very much attached to mama {and I do not see that changing anytime soon}, she is however aware when mama needs to take care of G. Including when we are out in public and at toddler time and such. She just gets it.

WHAT HAS BECOME BETTER

Our relationship, as a family of four. We understand Elliana so much more. Andrew's and mine relationship {though far from perfect and has room to grow} has blossomed lately, like teenagers at times giddy about one another. We aren't as stressed as we may have been during the first few months, and we actually have time to stop and breath now.

Sleep. I know I should not compare one baby to the other, but for comparison purposes, lets just say we were in a much better place in regards to sleep when E was this age. In fact, she was sleeping through the night {13 hours} from age 2.5 months on. So G? G wanted to show us how different and unique he was in his ways. Although he loved his sleep... he was picky {in the sense he only wanted to be held} and very unpredictable. Now? At 4 months? We are seeing the light. He sleeps longer intervals {sometimes an 8+ hour stretch at night}, taking more regular and predictable naps, and needing us less. Although we, scratch that Andrew, struggles at night with him while I'm gone, even he has reported some improvement.

WHAT HAS BECOME MORE FUN

Seeing the interaction between E and G. You know, Elliana has loved G since the minute we brought him home from the hospital. No exaggeration there. She has always been very gentle with him, caressing him, loving on him, hugging, kissing, and aware of his presence as she plays. Always. But what I have noticed lately is how much more she wants to interact with him. Now that he is wide awake, very alert, and smiles and giggles, she wants more and more to be a part of that. She gets excited to see him in the morning when he wakes up {he's always last to get up}, spend the day in the playroom with him helping him with his toys and telling him all about them, and even bath time excites her as she always tries to help out and asks for a washcloth so she too can "wash the little guy."

Us. As a family of four. We can do more things together. Before? G man slept through all the activities. Every outing. Every little trip. Now? He gets to actually participate. Sure, the extent of his participation is him just having his eyes open and throwing a smile at us from time to time... but even that is fun and exciting for us.

WHAT I AM LOOKING FORWARD TO

Creating more and more memories as a family of four. Watching Graham grow. Watching his personality unfold. Watching the two of them create a close bond that I can only dream of. And also, filling my marriage with more love. I look forward to a time where I am comfortable being away more with just my husband and I.

There are so many milestones down the road.

So far? Month 4 has been a really darn good one.