Wednesday, April 30, 2014

On my mind


I was sitting on the couch watching my two children rumble and tumble all over the floor wallering on one another and knocking each other down. I watched as they giggled hysterically, one mimicking the other, belly laughing, tickling, and dancing around holding hands. I watched quietly, thinking to myself how rapidly time changes things and how beautiful it has been to witness their bond not only form, but grow in tremendous ways over the year.  I took it all in, and could not help but smile.
You know, it is amazing to me that there was ever a surprise as to how one could possibly love a second child. I look at Graham and I feel guilt that I ever {up until the day he was born} questioned what it would be like to have to share my attention, time, and love with. As if love could not grow and love could not be shared. I distinctly remember even while he was a newborn thinking that I had this great bond with my son, but that it could not possibly develop into anything like what I had with my daughter. Or so I thought. 

Not only does that bond grow, but it grows in amazing ways. The bond between both children. Not only does your routine change when a second child is brought into the home, but everything changes---from the way you do things, to the way you handle situations. And also, the way you love. 
Watching Graham grow, and knowing the different milestones and changes that we have to face has made me appreciate each of those steps much more. I'm also more aware of what is "normal" and that while I do get excited about him growing up and achieving independence more and more with each passing day, I allow myself to appreciate the "baby" stage much more than the first time around and quit putting high expecations on everyone--myself, and the kids. I have let go. I've become loose. I've allowed them to be just as part of the decision process in every day tasks as I am. I want them to be kids, and to be able to act like kids, and to be loved for every aspect of who they are and who they want to be.

I'm always learning. I'm always trying to figure out how to be better and to do better by my children. I want to do everything right for them so that they have all the necessary tools to survive this crazy world that we live in. Emotionally. Physically. Mentally. Socially. I want them to be healthy in all areas, and I want them to feel that love, trust, and bond between those closest to them. Their family.
How do you teach that? You just allow life to happen. That's what I've learned. The more I stress, the more I over-think, the more I put this heavy burden on silly decisions---the less I am able to actually teach and be the model that I want to be to my children. I've learned that I'm the best kind of mom when I just let go. Let go of fear. Let go of high expectations. Let go of stress. Just simply let go.
Don't get me wrong, I still stress. I still lose my patience. And I still have moments where I am happy to leave the house to go to work simply to allow my mind to think without the noise. I am human, and I just need to stop beating myself over the things that I do wrong every day. And believe me, there are plenty.

But there are so many more things that I do right. That my husband and I do right. There are so many positive things that we have instilled in our children, and I have to just learn to remind myself of those things. That while I sit on the couch and watch my children enjoy themselves, be kids, and allow their relationship grow, that we did this. That we are a part of their every day childhood and that we are the biggest influence. The most powerful positive influence there is.
For that, I am thankful. That I have these moments to reflect one. That I allow myself to grow and to learn from these experiences.
I'm not even sure where I am heading with all this.
I started this post wanting to talk about this bond that has developed between my two children, and it has somehow morphed into these little lessons in parenthood that I have picked up on throughout the years. Either way, both things were something that have been on my mind and that I've wanted to say.
There, I said it.
I love this bond, and I love this life. I love that my husband and I get to parent these two very special children, and that we get to remind ourselves every day what life is truly all about. This. We are living it.
I think I hear the little one waking up. That's all I have for now, and as always---thank you for listening.    
Becky @ From Mrs to Mama

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