About losing a best friend.

I don't talk about friends often here on the blog. In fact, I probably can count on my hand how many times I have mentioned the word "friendship." I'm not sure why that is. Maybe because my main focus here is my family? And always will be. Maybe because that's just not a big part of my life in this chapter of our book. I know that friendships are important. I know that I have had some great friendships in my life, and many of those friendships have impacted who I am today. But I would be lying to you if I said that I was a good friend. In fact, I'm probably pretty crappy in that category. Very.

Since getting married, getting pregnant 8 months later, having our daughter, getting pregnant again 18 months after that, and then welcoming our son into our lives.... friends kind of get put on the back burner. Life goes by fast, time is not on our hands, and friendships come and go. For me, lots of going.

I wish that statement wasn't true. I wish I didn't have to say that. Perhaps it's my fault, perhaps it's the other person's fault, perhaps it's life that gets in the way. But the truth of the matter is that marriage and children change friendships. Friendships get lost. Friendships fail. Friendships have heartaches and pain just like any other relationship out there. Friendships are hard.

I don't have many of them. Anymore. Perhaps it's by choice. Perhaps it's just not what fits in my life right now. Perhaps it's because I'm just not good at keeping up with them. I'll admit that fault and flaw of mine. But I just don't.

It wasn't that way when I was in school. When I started college I knew every fraternity and the people in it, the parties that were going on every day of the week, and my phone had hundreds of numbers in it in which I would spend the majority of my day texting and "aiming" with the countless amount of "friends." Who remembers aim by the way?

Everyone was my friend. I was everyone's friend. And during that time of my life? That was important to me. I wanted to be liked by everyone and I wanted to know everyone. But at some point in my life, that slowly became less and less important to me. Perhaps around the time that I had met Andrew.

My phone address now? Consists of maybe 20 people. Majority of those being family members.

I often ask myself why this happened, and why I am the way that I am. I wonder if it's something that I need to work on, be better, and put that extra effort in. The answer? Is always yes. I then ask myself what I am doing wrong and why this happens? The falling out. I realize that it's because I put my family first. That sometimes I get texts while I'm out with my kids and I don't respond until later that evening {if I even remember then}. Sometimes I have a missed call because I'm changing a diaper and I just forget to pick up that phone and call back. Sometimes they ask me to do something and although initially it sounds nice, and I may even say yes at first, but when it comes down to it, I always end up cancelling so I can have extra time with my husband and kids. Sometimes months will go by and I'm asking myself..where did the time go and why have I not talked to this person? The thing is, that is who I am now. Now, I choose family. Now, my time is precious.

Now? I have a new perspective on friendships. After losing a best friend through life's changes, I learned a very important lesson in life.

You get out of friendship what you put into it.

You choose who you want to be friends with.
You choose the interests that you may have in common.
You choose who to turn to when you just need to talk.
You have that choice.

And sometimes you choose the option of walking away from a friendship that no longer works.

As sad and hrad as it may have been for me to come to that realization, it was the truth.
And the truth is that friendships... come and go. But family? Is forever.

And some friends? Turn into family. Those. Those are the ones that truly understand.