The Day I did not pay the bill. The Day I followed my heart.

3/25/13

How ironic, that on the day I published the post on signing Elliana up for preschool was the same day that I, or should I say, we, my husband and I, made the decision to back out of this whole pre-school gig and follow our hearts. My heart. Husband just happened to finally jump on board with it.

So the bill I speak of? The final "this is it" preschool bill? I decided not to pay. We had paid an initial deposit fee the day we signed up, and this was the second part that would hold her spot starting in the fall. Although I will not be seeing the deposit back, that did not bother me one bit. Not for a second. In fact, I would have paid to get her out of the program if that is what it would take. And, she had not even started yet.

You're probably wondering what happened, why the change of heart.

The thing is... there was never a change of heart about this. My heart has always told me one thing and one thing only: not to start. Not yet.

Then why did I sign her up to begin with? Because that's what I thought you were supposed to do.
You see, we go through the steps of motherhood. We make decisions. We follow the path of "what's next for this age," and the majority of the time we do what everyone else is doing... because... well... we think that's what we are "supposed to do." Especially if, we were raised that way.

Andrew and I both? Preschool-12 public school kids. And I think we turned out just fine. I think. But does that mean that I am supposed to do the same with my children? Does that mean that my children will have as good of experience as us? No. Unfortunately, as parents, we do not have the capability of seeing into the future. If we did, we would be able to see which path would serve best for our families. If we did, we would be able to prevent the "bad" from happening. Since we do not have the capability, we have to use our best judgement, or gut feelings, and follow our hearts when it's leading us a certain direction.

And my heart? My gut? My judgement? Was leading me to keep her at home with me..
The day that I had made the decision to place Elliana into this preschool was done so prematurely. I did not give myself enough time to think through all this, and I felt a little "pressured" persay to get things going, get her signed up, and check another thing off the list.

I was on maternity leave. Sign up day was February 1st. The preschool that I wanted to get her in from the beginning was booked up by 8:15 am, fifteen minutes after sign up day. So she was placed on a waiting list. We then went scouting for other preschools and I really liked the one that we had finally chosen. There was only 1 spot left, so I got nervous, signed her up, and that was that.

The next day I had to drive to the church to pay my deposit fee since they were holding my spot. I cried. I got a sick feeling in my stomach. I just knew it wasn't right. Yet, I found myself inside, holding Elliana's hand on one side, and the carseat in the other as I handed the sweet lady my check.

But since that day I just did not feel like it was right. Something was telling me that I was doing this for all the wrong reasons.

When you think about the reasons we send our children to school, the first things that come to mind are socialization and education.

1. Socialization. She gets that multiple times a week. Toddler time every M-T-F where she gets to read books, dance, and do crafts with other littles. Children's museum year membership where is she is around many kids her age and she is able to learn and discover. We have a zoo membership as well, although that is not as close interaction, she still gets to see others her age and we get the opportunity to continue to talk about the animals and key characterstics with these animals. Saturdays are devoted to sport or activity day, such as gymnastic, dance, and art/music class. And of course we get together with friends and their babies at the park, at our house, and out for little playdates.

2. Education. She was getting everything at home. Has known all her ABC's {lower case, upper case recognition, and all the sounds}, shapes, colors, numbers, and knows more animals than I could ever tell you {like the difference between a parrot, a bird, and an eagle}. And you know what, I am proud of that. Because I know that what I have done has helped her learn all these things in our normal day-to-day setting. She loves to learn. She loves to read. She will sit and do her flash cards for an hour without me even telling her to do so. She actually, truly, genuinely enjoys it. And that? I don't want her to lose that.

At the end of the day, I want to be the one that influences my child's learning. What she is learning, and how she is learning it. At the end of the day, I want to be the one that instills the morals and values that are important to our family. At the end of the day, I do not want to miss a single moment with her during her development, especially while she is this young and growing so fast.

My heart has always lead me to homeschool. My husband is not there yet. I cannot tell you with 100% certainty that come K-12 time, that we will for sure homeschool. Why? Because I cannot tell you what the future holds.

What I can tell you, is that if nothing changes from here on out, that my heart and mind is definitely leading me that direction, and I believe that with time, my husband will see the positives in this decisions. Because after all, we are a team, and I want to go into this whole-heartedly with my husband's support.

But today? Today my heart is at ease. I know that I have made the right decision for Elliana and our family.

Am I out of a little money? Sure. But who cares about that. I have a piece of mind and the knowledge that I hold.

Look, the "homeschool" decision topic is a completely separate post from this. I could write for days about this topic. Why the school system terrifies me, why I think that homeschooling can be very beneficial for children {if done the right way}, and why I think that as a society, we need to be more open to the various aspects of learning.

And I am certainly not here to tell you what is best for your family. I am not telling you that sending your child to the traditional school system is bad.

What I  am just saying is that I am doing what any mother out there would do when she has a "feeling" about something, a heart pulling her toward a particular path. I follow it.

I follow it and I don't look back.

Where's the crime in that?