Friday, April 26, 2013

Things I have Learned about Marriage

Men need to feel like men. 

They have this need to feel macho, important, and needed {in all aspects}. So what does this mean? It means let them try to figure out how to put something together and do not chime in trying to take over it when they cannot quite get it. Don't  say, "I can just call my dad to come over and do it,"... Guilty. Have said that one too many times... and Don't tell them that they aren't good at those kind of things. Trust me, all men want to feel like they can fix anything, put the house back together, and even build it from scratch. Well, not really, but you get my point. Men, just want to feel like men. It doesn't help that our generation dads seem to be able to fix and do anything.

Compliment them.

So when they do something good? When they take the time to put together the baby's dresser? Compliment them. When they prepared dinner on Sunday night? Make sure to rave how tasty it was. And when they take care of the kids... even though you do it on a daily basis... they still want to hear how proud you are of them. Andrew has told me time and time again, how what he does with the kids is not typical of a guy. Although I have disagreed with him often... I do have to step back at times and agree. Acknolwedge. Compliment.

You are their wife.

Sometimes, we are so guilty of making men feeling like we are their moms. "I need you to do this. I need you to do that. If you don't do this, we won't do that. Why aren't you eating that. You should eat more of this. Can you please pick up after yourself. Have you done the things on my list" And so forth.  I think we get so caught up in our expectations, that we forget to just stop and think before we blurt things out of our mouths. We also need to remember that we were wives before we became moms. What this means? Meet their needs. Because lets face it... men have needs just like women do. Even though their needs may differ from ours, we still have to be aware that they are there. . I know running after kids all day, keeping the house in order, and getting food set on the table can be quite the challenge. But remember how you were "before" kids, and how much he may desire "that woman" again. Not just the mom, but the wife that he married.  What I have learned is that date nights are just as important to Andrew as family days are to me, non-kid conversations are stimulating and refreshing, and making sure that we give each other that spark to keep the romance alive.

Men are built to be dads.

They are dads. They are husbands. They are men. My husband has to remind me of this very often because like I mentioned above, my expecations sometimes are pretty high of him. I think men just do not have the capability of dealing with certain situations as women are. They need their space. They need their time. And they need help. When they are sick? They are SICK. When they need a guy's night? They NEED a guy's night. When they say they are stressed. Believe them, don't compare yourself to them. This is another one I am SO guilty of. And although I know us women like to say.. "I'd like a day off too" or "But I do this every day," ... it's just not the same. I hate to admit that, but it's not. So I'm learning to just relax sometimes when Andrew complains... and just... you know, let him be DAD. Not expect him to be a "mom." So yes, he may forget to feed the kids lunch while I'm napping after work on the weekend, and he may let them watch an extra TV show, and he may forget to tell them to clean up after each toy. You know what? It's okay. That's just what dads do. They're dads.

They like the sweet stuff too

And although they do need their physical needs met... don't forget that they like the sweet stuff too. Even if they don't say it. For my husband, it is as simple as me sending him a little text. Cheesy, mushy texts like "you are my everything," Better yet, telling him how good he looked when leaving for work in the morning. Sending him jokes throughout the day. Flirting. It's fun to feel like that "couple" again.. instead of just "mom and dad."

Say you are sorry

I am stubborn. Not just in my marriage, but as a person in general. In all aspects. So this one is a hard one for me and I struggle with it a lot. Even when I know I am in the wrong, I really need to step it up and admit my faults, say my "I'm sorry's" and actually try to change in order to prevent history from repeating itself. A sorry is so important.

Don't go to bed mad

I know, I know, so cliche and something you hear all the time. But really it is true. Holding on to things, being mad about something, and trying to take it out on your spouse by playing the mad card is not going to accomplish a single thing. Trust me, I know. Just hash it out. Get over it. And well.. kiss and make up.


Men cannot be perfect, even though for whatever reason... we expect them to be at times. We want them to act fast, do things right, and know exactly what we were thinking or what we wanted out of them. That's another flaw of women. We are so stinking subborn, set in our ways, and like mentioned before, have ridiculously high expectations. So when those expecations aren't met? We tend to disrespect. Whether we mean to or not. I know I do and it is something I need to work on. When you respect one another, meet one another's needs, and learn how to positively cope, then you tend to get better results from whatever situation arises.


The yelling, the screaming, the bickering, and arguing never gets anything accomplished. This is one of  the biggest no-no's in our household and something we both just stop mid-bicker and realize... this is exactly what we don't want. I never get the point I want across if I do it with anger in my tone. In fact, it usually has the opposite effect. And if I am holding something in? Then nothing good will come out of that either. Just communicate. Period. And do so in a way that works for you. Whether that be sitting down after the kids go to bed on the couch with all technolog put away, face to face, and just talking, or maybe writing it out helps you get your thoughts across best. Whatever works, do it.

At the end of the day, almost 4 years into marriage, and a lot of arguments later, I have learned one very important lesson: showing your husband LOVE applies in all areas of your marriage. Through respect, acknolwedgement, and communication.
I'm still learning. Still growing. Still changing.

I think that's just a part of being married. Learning as you go, growing together, and building a stronger foundation and a great example for your children to view marriage as a positive and loving relationship.


  1. Becky, Longtime follower, but I'm not sure I've ever commented. You're exactly right about everything. Being wife first, then mom is so important, and sup easy to start to overlook. As your readers usually tell you, thank you for writing it so eloquently.

  2. Love this! I need to print out and refer to this daily.

  3. This is great, thank you. I struggle with similar things in my own relationship as well!

  4. wow, you are such a bigger person than I am (hate to admit it) but even though I have acknowledged most of the things youve mentioned, I am still completely stubborn when it comes to alot of it. I just cant get past the fact that even though he is an adult, he is also a MAN, and he doesnt necessarily think the way I do. Something I definitely need to work on. thanks for sharing your insight.
    the sweet life of a southern wife

  5. Great post! I have always said and believed that your marriage comes before your kids. If you don't have a strong marriage, you won't have a strong family for your kids. Also, loved your reminder to not be your husbands mother... I find myself sometimes telling my husband to do this or that, just as if he was a kid - that must stop!

  6. Becky,
    Thanks for sharing such wonderful tips! Other than a guys' night (my husband doesn't do) and yelling (we do argue), this sounds pretty much just like our relationship. I feel like you know me so well! Ha! :) As always, I enjoyed reading this post! Happy Friday and weekend!
    Leah :)

  7. Thank you for this post! I have been dating my now fiance (Almost husband) for 6 plus years and the points you just made really hit home! Just the kind of advice and inspiration I needed!

  8. Ugh I am so bad at a lot of these! Especially the 'Men aren't Moms' one. Thanks for the reminder that I need to just chill out and stop expecting him to be like me.

  9. Such great advice! As a new mom, I keep playing the 'I want a break too' card. I'm still wrapping my head around the fact that the roles we play as parents are just not the same...and that's OK!

  10. Holy cow I really needed this today! I sure appreciate all the things your wrote, and how amazingly correct and true everything is! Its nice to read it and remember these very important things. thank you! Im thinking of printing this out and keeping it in my journal or something!

  11. I loved reading this! So much wisdom, and truth. :)

  12. LOVE this..oh how I needed this tonight!! So true!

  13. This is great advice. I find I try to tell myself these things all the time but I've never written it down. The men aren't moms point is one I need to have tattood to my hand. I can't ever seem to remember that. And my expectations are way TOO high. Glad to hear I'm not the only one.

  14. Such good tips!! So true about the compliment one!! I can just tell how much my husband feels better when he is complimented!

  15. I love this and needed to be reminded about lots of these things! Thank you for sharing.

  16. Loved this-except I don't believe in the "don't go to bed mad." Sometimes, it's in everyone's best interest to go to bed mad. ;)


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