Tuesday, June 25, 2013

Sitting in the dark

It's 9:30 pm. I just walked downstairs. I had to tiptoe out of Elliana's room so she wouldn't hear me leaving. Just as I do every night. Cover her with blankets, give her a soft kiss on the forehead, roll off the bed like a soldier trying to smoothly leave the scene {except I'm not so smooth}, and shut the door quietly on my way out. It's quite the routine. Sometimes though? I go to plan B. Which involves me passing out right there next to her until I feel constant poking at my chest. "Becky, becky, wake up," in which I open my eyes to find Andrew talking to me. Those nights? Have come more often than not.

Little man has been sleeping now for over an hour. Still in our room. Almost 6 months old that little guy is. Right around the time that we switched E to the nursery. We just aren't there yet you know. Everything happens slower the second time around. Besides the growing part. That seems to go faster. But we just aren't in a rush to do things like we did the first time. Like baby food? G had his first bite this week. Two months behind E. And? That's okay.

Anyways, I'm sitting now. On the sofa. In the dark. Waiting for Andrew to get back from the store with our... special treat that we plan on enjoying together tonight. Whatever that might be.

I see toys scattered all around me. I forgot to tell Elliana to pick them up before bed. That's okay. Carson is also sitting next to me. He loves sleeping on the couch. And I'm just waiting.

But before I was here. I was there.

In Elliana's room, laying with her. Trying to stay awake, since I worked the past 2 nights, and I'm just notorious for passing out with her {like I said}.

And as she started falling asleep, I stroked her hair. Put my hand on her face, and really just held her like that for a moment. I then touched her hands. And her feet. And I made note of it all. She's bigger. When did my baby become... so big? A little miniature version of... me.

I've watched her grow. I've made note of the fact that she was no longer a "baby" and more of a little girl. That isn't anything new. But sometimes... sometimes, you just need to really lay there for a moment and take it in.

I'm always reminded during those moments to slow down. To just remember how fast time really goes by. To not allow it to take hold of me. To do the opposite. Take hold of time.

Looking at her, I imagined Graham being that age one day. I couldn't believe it. I couldn't see it. I just couldn't go there. But thinking about him being that age then led me to think about E being.. well... 2 and a half years older. Five. Then before you know it, five turns to 10, 10 into 20.

I think about how she will be as a little girl {an older little girl}. A young girl. A teenagers. And then a young adult. More importantly, how our relationship will be. I hope that she still wants me to tuck her in at night. That she still wants and asks for multiple hugs and kisses. That she always feels protected, safe, and loved within my arms. So much so, that she will be open with me through the teenage years and any challenges that she, or we, may face down the road.

I stroked her hair. I kissed her forehead. I squeezed her little hands and said a small prayer.
She's so real. Everything I ever dreamed of.

Lying right here in my arms.

She was out. Finally asleep. Dreaming of what I would hope would be nothing but sweet beautiful images of life. The world so innocent and pure through a child's eyes. And a child's dream.

So I tiptoed out of her room. I closed the door. I walked quietly down the stairs. And I sat on the sofa.

And so, here I sit, waiting for the one that is my better half to get home.
Just me and my thoughts. The quiet. And the mess.

A moment to take in, to reflect, and to slow down. It's my favorite thing to do. When the world is quiet, when the world is sleeping, my thoughts are busy running through my head. It's when I'm happy I'm close to the computer so I can freeze these thoughts for a later moment in time.

But, now I can't help but wonder... what will my treat be tonight....

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