Monday, May 14, 2012

When You Have A Child....

When you have a child, the beginning of your story unravels,
and a previous chapter in your life closes. 

When you have a child, it's no longer about you,
your dreams, your needs, or your interests. 

When you have a child, your priorities change.
You think differently. You plan. Prioritize. And focus on the important things in life.

When you have a child, you can't possibly imagine your world without them.
A day without watching them laugh. Watching them learn. Watch them discover life. Their smiles and their laughs. And their tender moments of affection.

When you have a child, that child is yours. And you are theirs. 
And the two of you belong together.

So when I hear about a mom or dad that walk out on their child... I'm left wondering...
Why....                          How...

And surely this can't be.

Because to me. A child is it. IT. You can't put into words what a child does to a parent. A mother. You can't put into words the love that is so strong that the saying your heart might burst out of your chest really means just that...

From love. The emotions. The overwhelming feeling of wanting to just hold your child every minute of every day for the rest of your life. And never let go.

But some do. Literally. Walk Away. Or they are placed in situations where they child is taken away, maybe because of another parent, maybe the state. Maybe because they are "tired" of this new life. Maybe they meet someone new. Maybe, they didn't know how to love you. Whatever the reason, they walk away.

 Just like that.

And their life moves on.

How I ask.
How does one live every day without their child.

How do they breath.

How do they live with themselves.
Somewhere out there a piece of them is walking, talking, breathing, growing.

And they miss it all.

I know because my own biological father let my mother take me and my brother to move to the United States, and he did it by signing the papers in exchange for some money from my mom.

And although it has never, and I repeat never affected me in any shape or form {I'm one of the lucky few}, I have to sit and ask this question again.

How is that possible?
Now that I am a mother. Now that I know what it is like to love someone with every ounce of your body and soul. Now that I know.... I'm left wondering. Questioning. Confused.

Although that child may live without you.
Although that child may find a life full of happiness.
Although that child may not spend a single day of their life thinking about you...

I know because I am that child.

But as a parent. I ask.....

How do you live without your child, knowing, they are somewhere out there.
How do you find happiness in your life knowing a part of you is missing.
How can you possibly not spend every day of your life thinking about them... contacting them... fighting for that relationship.

I will never understand.


  1. I couldn't agree more!! I definitely didn't understand before I had Emerson, but now... it is just unfathomable! I would give my life for this child! Great post Becky and every word is true!

  2. I had always known I wanted kids 'one day' but I also wanted a career and so many other things. Then I had my first child and I understood what it really meant to feel love. Now I have two beautiful babies and I feel like I am filled and that nothing in the world could be more important than them. The pitiable part of people who you speak of is that they miss out on what life really is.

  3. The first time I left Ky for more than two nights (to visit a friend in California), I wondered all these things for the first time. I was having a great time with my friend, but I missed my baby so much it ached and I wondered HOW people could leave their children and miss out on seeing that sweet smile every morning, the laugh when they see you, a new word or trick... I can't wrap my mind around it.

  4. I'll never understand it either. I see it every single day though working for an attorney. Breaks my heart because I had to bury my child almost 3 years ago and I would do ANYTHING to have him back!!

  5. I don't think that is something a parent like you or me could ever fathom. A few hours break from the wild toddler? Sure. But even then, we think about them the whole time. Am I right? I hate to hear that you are one of those children, but I know Eliana is blessed to have you as her mama and Andrew as her papa. Hope you enjoyed the day with your sweet family :)

  6. I have asked myself the same questions a lot recently ever since my baby girl was born. It seems like every time I turn the news on, there's some story about a child being abused, neglected, hurt, or even murdered. It SICKENS me to the core. These poor, innocent children do not ask to be brought into the world and I can't believe anyone would be so careless. This post really stirred up some emotions in me this morning.

    Obviously you are an amazing mother. Your little girl is so lucky to have you. <3

  7. i am THAT child as well.. and I don't understand it either. It's like when you hear of a parent abusing their child - I look at my son and could NEVER imagine doing ANYTHING to hurt him. Makes me sick that people can harm or just walk away. But you know what, we're stronger because of it - we hold on to our children/families a little tighter because we ARE that child, and while I can say it has never affected me either (it's his loss, not mine!), I always wonder how and why!

  8. I absolutely agree. Even when I went shopping yesterday by myself, the whole time I was gone I thought of my sweet girl! And the second I knew she woke up from her nap I went home to be with her. I can't imagine intentionally living my life without her. I think it is probably a very good thing that we don't understand how people do it. A very good thing. It also makes me want to care for those children, to love them and show them what it is like for someone to not want to live a life without them.

  9. I have wondered that after watching "16 & Pregnant." although I think adoption is a wonderful thing (please don't misunderstand) however, think how much you have changed after having a baby but then not having that baby with you. Just my body alone reminds me I am a mama.(stretch marks etc.)

    I'm so lucky to have my husband. I can't imagine having to start over and date after being a mama. You are so different and I applaud those people who take a person for who they are!

    1. Haha I should read comments before I post. My "you" doesn't mean you - Becky. It meant anyone as a parent. "We are so different."

      Basically, you wrote about how you can imagine leaving your child because they are such a big part of you.

      I am currently watching stupid realty shows on DVR about girls dating again after baby etc. I couldn't just move on with my life and forget about the baby I just had because its changed me so much (physically and emotionally.)

      Haha I promise to never comment without proofreading again.

  10. I will neverunderstand it as well. My father moved on, got a new family, and decided his step children are his "new children" and did need my brother or I. The thing that hurts a lot, is I've reached out to him, and otld him I forgave him, let's just work on our relationship again..and I get NOTHING in return. It's so confusing when I see my stepmom write on FB that he is the best Father in the world..but how is that possible when he doesn't talk to his OWN blood. The world may never know.

  11. I think of those questions everyday.. I will never understand. This was a beautifully written post, and I think there are so many people that feel that exact confusion. You are such a strong person and such a good mama, Becky.

  12. Well said! Being a mother is the most challenging yet most rewarding job there is.

  13. I get this, on so many levels I get this. I ask those questions every single day. I'm not sure if you've read my posts on it, but I'm still struggling with being "motherless". I find it hard because I grew up thinking she loved us, and then one day...she just walked away from us.

    Thank you for writing this post. <3

  14. I don't know. I can't imagine. I am thankful that I (hopefully and probably) wont ever have to know.

  15. I totally agree, and unfortunatnly my husband is one of those people that just walked away while I was pregnant with our second. I look at my babies every day and am mind blown because how could anyone not love these kids?! I mean, I may be partial, but they are pretty awesome. ;) Thanks for putting into words what I can't!

  16. I know exactly how you feel! I also don't have a relationship with my father ( because of things he chose) and I don't know how he doesn't fight for this relationship. I've even got 2 kids now, one of which he's never even acknowledged, and he lives a mere 20 minutes away! Blows my mind!! He doesn't even want to know his grandchildren? His loss, is what I always say.

  17. this is very very true!! I do not understand it either.. E's birth mom walked out on him when he was 6 months old for another guy.. it makes NO sense to me at all..but that is ok because now I can be his mommy but still!!
    More parents need to realize this.
    thank you!!!

    Happy Monday

  18. This is such a sweet post. And a question I feel like I have asked a million times as well! My dad left our family when I was 17 and he has always been around (even in the same city), but now as a mom I just can't imagine breaking my daughter's heart the way he did mine. I'm do often wonder HOW IN THE WORLD could you do it?! We are interesting creatures aren't we? The capacity for incomprehensible love and unmatchable selfishness all in the same shell. Thank you for sharing!

  19. I so agree! This made me tear up but thanks for writing this. I can relate to a parent finding more important things they want than to be there for their child and after having a child of my own I don't understand how a parent can find something more important. My daughter is the most important thing in my life and I wouldn't trade that for anything!

  20. I wonder the same things nearly everyday. I am lucky enough to be with my children every single day and I couldn't be happier. Until them I didn't understand what it meant to love someone so much it hurt. I only thought I loved my husband, and I do of course, but there is NOTHING like the love of a mother for her children.

  21. I find myself asking the same question. I have no idea. No answer. I cannot imagine how it is even possible to just walk away.

  22. I don't get it either.. Thanks for sharing this!

  23. This post hits home to me. My mom walked out on a family of 3 children when I was only 6. I was never able to comprehend it and now having one of my own, could never even fathom the thought. The joy and love alone I have for my little one is like no other. Even when she was growing in my belly and those little kicks, it was all so real and amazing. Such a precious gift!!!


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