My Fears for the Hospital

1. Going into labor after work. In other words, no makeup, stinky, crappy hair, and feeling like a truck had run over me. Last time? I worked a whole 12 hour shift and then drove to the hospital {across the street} not knowing I was going to have a baby that night. And? I looked hideous and felt hideous throughout the whole birthing process. I want to be that hott mama with perfect hair, makeup, and big smile on face while I push!!.....  

Wait. Does this exist? {Please sense the sarcasm in this number one. Clearly, I don't care how I look when I deliver... as I have been there, done that, and looked my worst before. So I can surely do it again with no hesitation}.

2.   Something going wrong. It's really a curse to be a nurse. It's even a bigger curse to be a critical care nurse. Why? Labor is 95% safe. Me? I see that other 5% where these young, healthy women end up in our unit fighting for their lives. On life support. I know I know. The chance of that happening is so slim.

But me? I just can't help but think of the worst case scenarios.

3. Ripping. I know. Who wants to actually talk about the lady goods doing damage? The thing is, I only had a 1 degree tear last time. And? I was scared to do the dirty deed. Like even at my follow up 6 week appointment I told the doctor of my fears....

Clearly that fear eventually went away ;)

4. Bonding. I think this is a natural fear that every mother has, but I just can't help but wonder whether it will be right away or if it will take me some time. Time for what, you ask? To feel like a mother of two. To have it sink it. To look at this little human and open up my heart and let him in next to the spot that is so dear to me... Elliana.

I know it's silly... I already love this little boy so much.

5. Not making it to the hospital. In other words birthing my baby anywhere but the hospital. Like the car. Or at home. My first labor was only 3.5 hours. And after my water broke? I immediately went from 4 to 10 cm. So if it breaks at home? I will pee my pants.

But seriously, you women are amazing who birth babies at home! Or the car!

6. That brings me to.... my husband missing the birth. What if I go into labor at work and then my husband {who has to drive 35 minutes to the hospital} doesn't make it? 

There's always photoshop.

7.  Leaving Elliana. I could devote a whole post to this. In fact, I started writing one. But then any way I wrote it, I felt like my son {when he reads this} would feel hurt by it. But in reality, I am just so worried about being away from her. I know she will be fine, but I have those little fears of what if. something happened. I also have the fear of her thinking that I had left her. I have the fear of her wondering why mama wasn't around to tuck her in at night, make her her favorite pb&j sandwiches, take her to craft time, and tickle her until it hurts.

In reality?I fear that she will be okay, and I won't.