Thursday, December 20, 2012

My Fears for the Hospital

1. Going into labor after work. In other words, no makeup, stinky, crappy hair, and feeling like a truck had run over me. Last time? I worked a whole 12 hour shift and then drove to the hospital {across the street} not knowing I was going to have a baby that night. And? I looked hideous and felt hideous throughout the whole birthing process. I want to be that hott mama with perfect hair, makeup, and big smile on face while I push!!.....  

Wait. Does this exist? {Please sense the sarcasm in this number one. Clearly, I don't care how I look when I deliver... as I have been there, done that, and looked my worst before. So I can surely do it again with no hesitation}.

2.   Something going wrong. It's really a curse to be a nurse. It's even a bigger curse to be a critical care nurse. Why? Labor is 95% safe. Me? I see that other 5% where these young, healthy women end up in our unit fighting for their lives. On life support. I know I know. The chance of that happening is so slim.

But me? I just can't help but think of the worst case scenarios.

3. Ripping. I know. Who wants to actually talk about the lady goods doing damage? The thing is, I only had a 1 degree tear last time. And? I was scared to do the dirty deed. Like even at my follow up 6 week appointment I told the doctor of my fears....

Clearly that fear eventually went away ;)

4. Bonding. I think this is a natural fear that every mother has, but I just can't help but wonder whether it will be right away or if it will take me some time. Time for what, you ask? To feel like a mother of two. To have it sink it. To look at this little human and open up my heart and let him in next to the spot that is so dear to me... Elliana.

I know it's silly... I already love this little boy so much.

5. Not making it to the hospital. In other words birthing my baby anywhere but the hospital. Like the car. Or at home. My first labor was only 3.5 hours. And after my water broke? I immediately went from 4 to 10 cm. So if it breaks at home? I will pee my pants.

But seriously, you women are amazing who birth babies at home! Or the car!

6. That brings me to.... my husband missing the birth. What if I go into labor at work and then my husband {who has to drive 35 minutes to the hospital} doesn't make it? 

There's always photoshop.

7.  Leaving Elliana. I could devote a whole post to this. In fact, I started writing one. But then any way I wrote it, I felt like my son {when he reads this} would feel hurt by it. But in reality, I am just so worried about being away from her. I know she will be fine, but I have those little fears of what if. something happened. I also have the fear of her thinking that I had left her. I have the fear of her wondering why mama wasn't around to tuck her in at night, make her her favorite pb&j sandwiches, take her to craft time, and tickle her until it hurts.

In reality?I fear that she will be okay, and I won't.


  1. Those are all legit fears! I don't have any kids yet so I will probably have a list much longer for my first! At least you've done this once before - hopefully that helps settle some nerves! :)

  2. 2 things: 1: I laughed so hard when I read "photoshop".
    2: I had a 2nd degree tear and everything is F-I-N-E now. It took a while to recover, but I don't even remember the pain.
    and I guess I have a 3 too... You will do GREAT! Stay strong mama. E will be there to meet her "baby brudda" and right then, you will feel like a mama of two.

    I am so excited for you!!

  3. Glad to know Iam not alone....which means your not either. I was due 4 days ago and my brain is flooded with these worries.

  4. You are totally in your right to have these fears. Good luck.... Where's E going to be staying? With your mom? And for how long? I know I wonder about this when baby #2 comes along, which isn't for a year or two!

  5. Those were all of my fears the first time I was just wondering the other day if that ever goes away... Answer I guess not! I lol at #1 I was so worried about this too I guess that's why my water broke in the shower we had an hour drive & no time to blow dry my hair I was sad I looked like crap!

  6. I went into labor at midnight with my son some couldn't sleep all night so I spent about two hours doing my hair and makeup in the middle of the night between contractions. Whenever anyone saw the first pics of me and baby everyone said I looked gorgeous and couldn't believe I just had a baby. With my daughter my water broke at work and I was an ugly mess and started applying makeup after I got my epidural. I'm pretty sure everyone thought I was nuts, ha ha!

  7. I was more afraid to deliver the second time around than the first. For most of those reasons. The main being I was afraid of something happening to me and me leaving Gianna behind. And of course not loving Ethan as much or being able to bond with him. Your reasons are all legit and I think every second time mom feels that way. But when Ethan was born I loved him completely and while I missed Gianna terribly while I was at the hospital she didn't seem to notice! She had so much fun with her grandparents. Elliana and you will be just fine. Praying for a safe and quick delivery for you

  8. My daughter was three years old when my son was born. Before he was born, I saw her sleeping in her little crib and I swore on all that was sacred that I would NEVER love another child like I loved her. I would never let on, but it would be MY secret. What I learned is YES, you love the next one just the same, sometimes even more initially because you have already learned how to love a child. I have three and they are almost grown ups now and I love them all equally! Some days I like one of them more than the others, but I promise you, you will love him so much and it won't take a thing away from her.

    Merry Christmas!

  9. Those are all definitely normal fears for sure. With my 2nd, I made it to up to delivery & labor [walked the whole way, 2 floors up], they got me in a gown, checked me, and I was already 10cm!!!
    With my first and second baby, I had a 2nd degree tear both times, & with baby #2 [who was all natural seeing I made it there just in time to push] the male midwife that was there didn't even bother with any anesthetic when it came to repair it!
    [Men just have NOOOO idea!]
    With my 1st and 2nd baby, I went into labor in the early hours of the morning [4:00a.m. and 2:45a.m.], so I was a sleepy hot mess for sure. With baby #3, she decided to make her arrival just shortly after midnight, and even after trying to make myself look decent - that went right down the drain due to a VERY excruciating labor because of an unknown abruption I was experiencing. I turned into a 'wild' woman 'till the epidural kicked in, and then looked at myself and realized I messed my hair and everything up from not being able to stay on top of the contractions:\

    I bet you'll do great & look gorgeous doing it ;)
    Hope it all goes well!

  10. Photoshop haha! I'm sooo excited for you. Can't wait to read that he's here!

  11. Your kiddos are lucky to have you as their Mama. I can't wait to hear that it all went perfect!

  12. Dang it that last comment tugged at my heart.. shows how much you love your baby girl!You're going to love this boy just as much... they are lucky!!

  13. First of all, I was the same way wondering how I could love another child the same as Tynlee. That feeling was instant. The moment I saw Anistyn. So from one mama of two to an almost mama of two, don't worry. You will have more love to give than ever imagined. It was the first time leaving tynlee over night without me as well and it was so difficult. I cried so much. So I can relate in that area. You will be fine mama and I will be praying for a smooth delivery where none of your fears take place :) xoxo

  14. All reasonable fears....I think you will be absolutely fine and that Graham will make an awesome entrance into this world. :)

  15. Ahhh, a lot of these fears are my fears!! I am terrified that something will go wrong with me or the baby!!

  16. my labor went really fast too with my first baby so that is a fear of mine too for the future.

  17. Completely legit fears.
    I didn't tear at all, but I'm 9+ weeks postpartum and I'm still terrified to do the deed. Ugh. Something about having pushed a 7lb 1 oz human through there that's terrifying.

  18. I have most of the fears that you do. We are discussing baby #2 & I am a mess wondering how I will love another human being the same as my daughter. I am afraid of everything in bringing a 2nd child into this world. I don't want my daughter to feel left out, that we don't love her anymore, etc.
    And tearing, I tore a severe 2nd degree tear and it took me weeks passed the 6 week mark to even WANT to do anything.

    So excited to hear of his arrival & hear of the birth story as well! I am interested to see how quick this labor is! Good luck mama!


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