Wednesday, October 3, 2012

Sometimes... it's better not to say anything at all.

One of the things that I try my hardest to do on this blog is be real. Be honest. Be open. And never hold back. 

One thing that I tried to do before writing this particular post is hold back. Not write this post. Not be honest. Not open. And just try to ignore these feelings that kept nudging back at me, time and time again.

But that wouldn't be right. It's not who I am and it's not what I believe in. And this blog means too much to me to just sit back and not let my thoughts be heard. After all, it's my little space of freedom. It's something for me to look back on. Learn from. And grow. And I think I owe it to some people out there to voice those opinions, let my thoughts be heard, speak from the heart and sometimes add a little humor into my emotions. Because someone, somewhere out there is saying.. "I know what you mean..."

You see. I started blogging because it was an outlet for me. I like to write. I like to share. I can have something on my mind all day, but the minute I put it into writing... I let go of those thoughts. I let them free. And honestly, I feel better.

I also blog because it's a way for me to connect with others. Others who have been there, "done that", and can give me positive feedback. The key word here is positive. They don't have to necessarily agree, but give me substance. Give me advice. Show me the way.

I cannot say that I am able to please everyone. And frankly? That is okay. I do not expect people to agree with all my feelings or understand what I am going through. I don't expect that out of anyone. I don't need comments saying "you go girl" or "you are so right" to keep me going. Absolutely not. I will write, and continue to write, whether or not someone likes it. Why? Because I do it for ME.

Me. Me. Me. Let me be selfish here for a minute and again reinforce ME.

Using words like "I wouldn't do this... or I would never.... or I think that is sad and wrong... or worse... " is not positive. It's in fact negative. To me what you are saying is "I, I, I, I" and comparing yourself to me. There is nothing to compare to. We live completely different lives. We walk in completely different size shoes. We experience life differently. We think differently. We react differently. No two people are the same. No two situations are the same. No two families are the same. And no experience is like the other.

What's even worse? The people that have absolutely nothing but hateful things to say. Things like "sounds like your kid needs training, not the dog." Shame on you. Shame shame on you to EVER talk about another person's child. Despicable. Pitiful. Absolutely inexcusable behavior. And the only person that needs training, is you. Train how to be a normal kind human being.

Now? Saying "I can't imagine what you are going through. I can't imagine ever being in that situation. I can't imagine what I would do in that situation." That right there is honesty. Because you are acknowledging that although you may not agree with what I am saying... it's not because you know it all and have been through what I have, it's because you haven't experienced what I have gone through, and based on your life, what YOU have experienced, you honestly just can't imagine this situation.

I was that girl.

I was that girl that couldn't imagine what people were talking about when they said that their dog drove them bonkers. I was that girl that thought these people were just being inpatient and not giving the dog a chance.

I was that girl that told her mother-in-law just days before bringing home our baby girl that she is ridiculous to EVER think that my dog would become "just a dog" after the baby came along.

I recall saying to her, "No Kim, he will ALWAYS be my first baby."

That even, hold me for this, that EVEN if he ever bit Elliana that I would NEVER get rid of him. No, he has never bit her, nor gotten close, but I tell you now... now that I have this child, now that I KNOW what it is like to love a human being far more than any fur animal... now that I KNOW... No dog, no person out there will EVER harm my child. And if you think that a person who gives a dog up because they bit a child or are aggressive to them is wrong, then shame on you. Shame shame shame on you. Because the next step is death. And as a parent, you do EVERYTHING possible to protect your children.

But again, how would you know this unless you have been in that situation? You wouldn't. And you don't. And you don't know what you would do unless you are in that situation. Some people may find other solutions, some people may decide to let the dog go, some people may learn to live with it.

That is their decision to make. That is their life to live.

It is neither wrong, nor sad, nor inhumane.

It is what I like to call LIFE. Life throws us curveballs. Life makes us rethink all those times we said we would never do this or that. Life makes us make decisions sometimes we hate to make.

We are no where close to giving up our dog. We love him. He belongs in our family. But, I can't say we never will because I cannot tell you what the future holds. I cannot tell you what experiences will be placed before us, and I cannot tell you what we, as a family, will decide to do with those experiences.

What I can tell you is this.

I have been there when I could have very well lost my pregnancy as well as my baby girl all because of  a situation that was caused by my own dog.

I have been there when a grown man locked himself into a room that I had to burst open only to find him sitting in the corner like a child with his hands around his face and tears rolling down his cheeks because in that moment this dog, that we have called our baby for years, that we love and cherish, that we couldn't imagine our lives without, was causing a break in our family.

I have been there when I would find myself absolutely frustrated and at a loss for words. Not knowing what to do next. Not knowing how to "fix" things. Not knowing what we could do

I have been there because they are my experiences, my life, my family, and my animal.

There are people who have been through similar situations. Have gone through similar things. Can see their own life playing out in front of their eyes as they read my own experiences.

But there are also people who have not. Who haven't been there, haven't "done that." And just don't know.

I don't expect those people to understand. Whether in this particular situation, or any other situation that I write about in my life. I don't expect them to agree. And I don't expect them to put themselves in my shoes.

What I do expect is that if they don't know, if they can't compare, if they can't "imagine" what I'm going through, that they instead provide me with words of encouragement. Words of wisdom. Send me links to pretty pictures of puppies {thank you to the person that did that}. Send me advice on what to do with pets like these {thank you to those that I did, it means a lot}. Tell me what worked for you, or what didn't. Let me know that I will ultimately make the decision that is right for me an my family.

That is a powerful thing to do. To step back. Not agree with something, but just provide support.

And if we can't do that? If you absolutely just can't bring yourself to say anything positive about a particular situation?

Then just don't say anything at all.

It's one of the best lessons in life.

48 comments:

  1. good.job.becky. i knew when i saw the first post HEADLINE only on facebook someone somewhere was going to be an ass. but good for you. YOU are her mama. and YOU live YOUR life so YOU do what YOU feel is best. period.

    those who mind dont matter and those who matter dont mind.

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  2. I commend you for this post! It is beautifully written, and holds an important message: I am a FIRM believer in if you don't have anything nice to say don't say anything at all! Good for you for being real and for an amazing post!!! xoxo

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  3. I knew the post below would spark some kind of controversy, or hateful / hurtful things to say. Knowing you and being your IRL friend and have been to your house WITH your crazy Carson and Elli, I totally get it. It's your opinion. You wrote it out to share YOUR thoughts / struggles .... I commend you. Love you! Don't EVER stop being YOU!! :)

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  4. People are seriously so rude and obnoxious! Sorry someone said such a rude thing to you! You have every right to share your own thoughts and stories on your OWN blog!

    xo

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  5. and ps. let me just say this, to all those haters who would NEVER get rid of their dog, you mean to tell me if your dog but your kid or if your kid was allergic, you wouldnt get rid of your dog? For the ones who said you should have thought about that: what if your husband had a dog when you met? Are you supposed to get rid of it then? People are ridiculous. And if your dog is aggressive to your kid and you DONT do something about it, YOU are the bad person! Period. =)

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  6. I completely agree with all that you wrote and GOOD FOR YOU for saying it! You shouldn't have to listen to people (most of which probably don't even KNOW you) putting you down...each situation, each person, and each family is unique - that's a GOOD thing! One person's decision may not work best for another person even if the situation appears identical.

    You go girl! ;)

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  7. I went back and read your other post and I just don't see why anyone would say something mean. For me, I just thought you were venting, which for me is sometimes what I do on my blog too.

    You never said you were actually going to get rid of him. People need to lighten up.

    But you know, I've been in your situation. We had a crazy pug who was like my LIFE before I had kids. I swore up and down that things wouldn't change. That she would always be the star of my blog, lol! But when we brought our first son home and he got a little older she started nipping at him. When we brought our second boy home she just got worse. She has a lot of issues too.

    Much to the aching of my heart we were forced to send her to my parents house. I love it because I am still able to see her all the time and hold her. She has a big yard to run in and she is actually much better with the kids now that she isn't around them all the time.

    Anyway - please don't let those comments change the way you blog. I am completely open and honest on my blog and I wouldn't do it any other way.

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  8. Thank you for writing this! Unfortunately I had a situation on my blog where I wrote a guest post for someone (who begged me to write it) and then that said blogger (who said it was great) posted it and took it down after people judged me. She didn't want to lose followers and totally hurt me in the process saying that how I live my life is "like scum and ungodly." My situation is just different and I love the choices I have made because of it.

    As bloggers I feel like we all need to drop the judgement and support one another.

    I can kinda relate to your story, as my dad had to get rid of his dog when I was little. The dog ended up biting my arm (not too hard, but broke the skin) and ended up biting off my sister's left nostril when she was 2. (He was going for her hot dog) My dad loves us and would do anything for us, and sent the dog to live with my grandparents, but I understand where the hardship came in for him.

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  9. Thank you for your honesty and for this post. It hits home with me, especially today. I have had some people (family actually) say negative things about my blog and I'd love to have them just come over here and read your words. You are so right in everything you said. And I'd love to tell them to just stop reading if they don't like what I write.

    You are an amazing person and I'm sorry people are so inconsiderate.

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  10. I didn't see anything wrong with your post. This is your blog. Your opinions. Im head over heels in love with my dog, but my husband and I have said that when we have kids if we see any issues with him that might put our kids in jeopardy or make our household any more stressful we will have to find him a forever loving home. You have to put your kids and your sanity first. It doesn't mean you don't love him. It means you love your children more.

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  11. I agree with everyone else. This is YOUR blog, your space, your OUTLET (like you said) to write anything you want and feel! For someone to write something rude and hurtful, I just don't get what makes people do that?!!

    Keep being you and doing what you are doing! We all love you for it and whatever to the "haters!"

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  12. Bravo for posting this! I am going through the EXACT same thing with our dogs :(

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  13. Here's to hoping that person who left the ""sounds like your kid needs training, not the dog" remark doesn't have children. Your own flesh and blood should always come before your fur-baby. We have a 15 month old that loves, loves, loves dogs. She loves coming up to their faces and let them lick her. I have considered getting a dog because of this but reading through the nice comments in your last post, it's made me really think about it. What if the dog didn't like her?

    Anyways, I loved this post but I didn't think you should have to defend yourself for writing down your thoughts in your own personal space. Well written though!

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  14. I agree w/what everyone else seems to be saying here (so far), and that is, you have to do what's best for your family and this is YOUR blog to write what YOU want. No hateful criticism is asked for. What is wrong with people anyway???? Kids will be kids and dogs will be dogs. What ever you guys decide to do (if anything at all) is up to you and will be the right decision for you.

    I support you whatever you guys decide to do - it's a tough situation and I think those people who are so self-absorbed? Have no idea where you (we) are even coming from and can keep their hate to themselves.

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  15. I admire you SO much for this post. [I already loved you before.. but I love you way more now!] I like to read passion and honesty in other people's blogs/lives - even if I don't agree with it! I could not imagine loving anything more than I love my dogs. Honestly - my heart bursts and hurts for them so much that I'm pretty sure I would die if I could feel something stronger. I can't wait to have children and find out..

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  16. Oh geez, why can't people just shut up if they don't have anything nice to say? It's YOUR dog, YOUR life, YOUR child, I think it's up to YOU to decide what you want to do and how you want to react with whatever situation you are presented with. If you need to get rid of the dog, so be it. It's not up to anyone else to decide! Gah! That kills me! If I don't agree with what's written on a blog that I'm reading, guess what I do? I exit out and move on. Shocking! I know! I don't necessarily have to voice my opinion, because that's all it is. My.opinion.... I'm so sorry someone was so rude to you. My hubby wants a dog, and I say NO WAY! We have a 21 month old daughter, and I'm 36 weeks pregnant. No freaking way...

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  17. All I have to say is, AMEN.

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  18. Thank you for posting this becky!
    I like reading blogs. I think it's a great way to get to "know" someone through their writing and just get a glipmse of their every day lives. And it amazes me, how people take the time to spread the hate. And I see it all the time. First of all, this is YOUR blog, where you can write about whatever your little heart desires. Sure, we might not always agree with what you have to say, but that is no reason to leave hurtful comments. After all, you are allowing us to read you therefore, get to know you a little bit better. Just keep being yourself, because that is the reason we all come to read what you have to say, well atleast I do, and ignore the nasty bloggers who have nothing better to do but spread the hate.

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  19. I don't think I have ever understood anyone's need to tell someone that they are living their life wrong. Or how they think or feel is wrong. There may be some things that I don't agree with, but I don't get my rocks off telling people how to live their life. You're doing exactly what you are supposed to be doing. Focusing on your life, with your family. Forget everyone else.

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  20. I agree with everything you wrote!! I had to go back and read the previous post before commenting. We have a cat and if she EVER harmed our daughter if be done! She has hissed at her (when she was first brought home) but thankfully she warms up to our daughter more every day.
    You have to do what's best for your family and not everyone will agree with that. If they can't agree they need to keep their mouths shut unless they have helpful advise.
    Again. Wonderful post!!

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  21. These 2 posts are why, I love your blog and admire you! not w. our current dog w. another, we actually bought a puppy when I was 3 mo pregnant, she seriously was the BEST dog w. Breanna and always was so sweet and protective of her until one day she turned on me in trying to protect Breanna because she was crying in a way she never heard and then did the same thing to my husband a few mo later. We had to make the right decision...not saying she would harm my child because she WAS protecting her as she was her own but who says someone could be watching my daughter and the dog could turn on that person and you would be screwed! My current dog has a lot of sass and is very territorial and will growl if anyone will go near her when she is sleeping or anything so it scares me that one day my daughter goes to pet her and she snaps and bites her (unintentionally) I could NOT live w. myself if that ever happened or even think of something as such.

    keep on doing what you do this is why you have such a loyal following. People just dont know when to keep it shut!

    xoxo

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  22. I'm sorry someone was nasty to you about this! I have 2 dogs that I was crazy about...before my baby girl came along. Now they don't get near the attention they use to and sometimes I do feel bad. But that's just the way life is. It's not that I don't love my dogs...but my daughter comes first obviously! Good luck whatever you decide to do....you will make the best choice for your family!

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  23. Love you, as always mama!!! xoxoxo

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  24. One of the many things I love about your blog is your honesty!! I'm sure whatever you end up doing, will be what's right for your family....

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  25. I have a toddler and another one on the way and a lab so I know how u feel. I just wanted to throw in that even though a dog or pet is a part of a family there are many different reasons u may have to give them away..kids health reasons..financial reasons etc. It doesn't mean u love them less it simply means u want something better for them. Shame on people so quick to judge.

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  26. I wasn't trying to be nosy (ok, maybe I was) but I looked back on the comments on your last post assuming it was that one that begged for this. I was right and SHAME ON THEM!!! As you said, shame shame shame. Yes, animals have feelings too. I get that. But your children are a part of you. You never said anything about hurting your animal or putting him down, you said maybe send him to a good home, which is what a good caring person would do. You are right Becky and the people that don't agree (YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE!!) Shame shame shame.

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  27. I absolutely agree with you. I can't imagine how hard it must be to hear people criticize you. You are doing the best thing for your family and what is good for one family doesn't always work for another. And you are raising a child and juggling a career all at the same time. I tip my hat to you. I am a CNA and I know how hard and demanding health careers can be and add raising a child (or 2) I can't understand how you stay sane.

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  28. You have a very busy life and this blog should be a creative outlet for you and a happy place. Readers should respect you and your blog, bottom line. Nobody is making them read it- so if they don't like what you have to say then they can just be on their merry way. Disagree in a polite way - with love and understanding- or don't comment. I don't know why some people get kicks out of posting hateful things- makes them feel better somehow...and that is just sad. Keep on keeping on, Mama! Focus on all of those positive comments and not the negative ones. Don't forget that there are a lot more people who agreed with you than didn't! You are a fabulous mama, wife, nurse, dog-mama, and blogger!

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  29. Kuddos to you for writing this post! I had read your other post and didn't see anything wrong with it...it is your life and your thoughts so no shame on you for that. We have a 2 yr old and another on the way and we have had our golden retriever for 4 years. She is really the best dog and was our whole life before kids came along but now she is not at all. We love her dearly but she is annoying most days and doesn't get enough attention and I do feel bad about that at times but things are just different now. Our daughter and her are bff's for sure and she is a great dog so we have never talked about getting rid of her but I can understand what you are saying. You have to do what is right for you and your family!

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  30. I've never understood why people leave nasty, mean comments. When I read a blog post that I may not agree with I just don't comment, no point in putting something nasty. Try not to let the haters get you down. Just do what's best for your family and dont worry about what other people think.

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  31. This is why I have been reading your blog for so long. You are thought provoking in a positive way! You are relatable and whether people agree with you are not at the end of the day it's your blog, life, and family.

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  32. Yes to all of this. Support and affirmation.

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  33. I'm not going to lie when I first read your post about getting rid of your dog I was very sad. I can totally understand where you're coming from and having two kids and a hyperactive dog would be a lot to handle. It's wrong that people are judging you when they don't know the situation and may never be in a similar one. I have three dogs and the more I think about it I don't want to bring kids into my house until my dogs have passed. I have german shepherds that are completely sweet but like all dogs can be unpredictable. I don't want to ever have to deal with my dog biting my child. Anyways long story short if you do decide to rehome your dog, I'm sure you would find a great home for him, it's no one's place to judge you.

    p.s. sorry for the weirdly long post but I understand the whole dogs as my children thing so I understand how hard it is to even think about giving them away.

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  34. I'm not going to lie when I first read your post about getting rid of your dog I was very sad. I can totally understand where you're coming from and having two kids and a hyperactive dog would be a lot to handle. It's wrong that people are judging you when they don't know the situation and may never be in a similar one. I have three dogs and the more I think about it I don't want to bring kids into my house until my dogs have passed. I have german shepherds that are completely sweet but like all dogs can be unpredictable. I don't want to ever have to deal with my dog biting my child. Anyways long story short if you do decide to rehome your dog, I'm sure you would find a great home for him, it's no one's place to judge you.

    p.s. sorry for the weirdly long post but I understand the whole dogs as my children thing so I understand how hard it is to even think about giving them away.

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  35. I've been reading your fabulous blog for years now and rarely comment because I know you already have a million comments to read! I can totally relate to you. We just had our baby boy and I never dreamed my cat would drive me nuts... but he does! I just caught up on both post... you said everything perfectly! Ignore those ignorant comments!

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  36. Hey!
    I give you two thumbs up on your post. We do put ourselves out there when we post but honestly people have no filters what so ever. People don't have morals or respect for one another and that my friend is why the world is the way it is today. On another note.... I can totally relate with you. I did end up giving my at one time the love of my life "bella" up to a close friend after my little Kinsley was born. I never in a million years thought that would ever come but it did. Bella was a yorkie and she was super scared of my husband and of my growing belly at the time but I kept her because at that time I couldn't possibly get rid of her. However the day came when we brought Kinsley home from the hospital and Bella pretty much had a nervous break down and I only expected the worst to come. She was a very jealous dog and before Kinsley I had an enormous love for every kind of animal however today.... no so much! I know it sounds mean but I just can't find that love, the love that I have for my two babies (my husband and my daughter). Those two are my heart and soul and I couldn't imagine loving something more. I did have to make that hard decision and it was I tell the hardest thing in the world but I couldn't possibly imagine something happening to our precious sweet girl and possibly living with a terrible scar because of jealousy from a dog. I just couldn't and to be selfless I chose to give her up to a very loving home that would drowned her with love and attention. Anyways, thumbs up my friend and keep up the wonderful posts!

    XOXO

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  38. Good for you Becky! Fuck the haters! lol.
    I hope they mind their own business and go deal with their heaps of issues they clearly have! Nothing better to do than try to make a innocent mama blogger feel bad. Get a life.
    And once again, Good for you!

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  39. Kudos to you Becky for writing this. I don't think it could have been said better. Your right, no two paths in life are the same, so I don't understand why people feel the need to judge. Great post!

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  40. SERIOUSLY?!!???! People were MEAN to you about that post?! SERIOUSLY?! Holy cow.

    We've been having conversations about our dog and baby lately as well and I'm ALSO not sure what to do and I was RELIEVED to read your post. THANK YOU FOR WRITING IT. I am in your same boat, Hendrix WAS the baby and noW he's the dog... a loved, cherished, spoiled, well exercised and cared for dog BUT if he can't start minding his manners around the baby {snapping!} after some serious discipline we're about to crack down on, he's got to go... and I will cry and boo-hoo for years, all the while knowing it was the RIGHT decision even if my heart is broken!

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  41. I'm a little surprised that people jumped on you about your last post. I mean, you did say you weren't even getting rid of your dog. What is the deal?

    Also, I think people don't get it. I have two dogs, a cat, and a toddler. Most days, I want to get rid of at least one out of the four (usually not the kid). I am overwhelmed and they all need me and I can't be everything to all four at once. It does not make me a bad person to say that. In fact, I think realizing that you aren't enough makes you a good person. Sometimes people make pets too much of a human and they put too much stock in their "feelings". They are animals people. They want to be petted, fed, and taken on walks and if you can't do that anymore, then find someone who can. I see too many people say "we made a commitment" and that's why they keep animals in bad situations. Who are you taking care of there??

    This got me riled up. Sorry for the long comment. I say do what's best for your family. All four (almost five) of y'all. And only you will know what that is..

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  42. This post goes to my favorties list! You dont needed but i'll say it!!! YOU GO GIRL!!!! Honest and very straight forward! Im not a dog person so **sorry** dog lovers but if you cant see that a child is first that you need to go check yourself into a mental institute! Who hasnt heard of 100 if not 1000 accidents between dogs and babies!! But you never said you were getting rid of the dog and if you are (which I would) is your business and you get to choose what is right for your cute little family!

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  43. Amen! I cant stand it when someone has an opinion and thinks they know best for your situation. I have a dog who was also my first baby and I too swore up and down that nothing would change, add a baby to the mix and EVERYTHING changes! Your priority is your child not a dog. While I still love my dog, the stress that she's added to our situation is annoying. Barking at bedtime, running out of the yard and causing me and my daughter to have to run in and out of cars to get her, stealing the baby's toys, etc etc etc. Like you said, unless you've been in the same situation, don't judge!

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  44. First of all you are so brave for posting your thoughts and feelings! I had to put down one of my dogs because he bit someone twice. He was so sweet to our family but nobody else. It was still the hardest thing I had to do. It is a personal decision and if you ever do decide to find your dog a new home I'm sure most people would agree, but who really cares if they do or don't! :)

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  45. You are just amazing and I love you and this blog of yours! I completely agree with you!

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