Wednesday, October 24, 2012

The Many Hats I Wear


This is going to be one of those posts that I write in the moment and  will probably sit in draft for a couple of months when one day I finally discover it and have the nerve to hit publish. And it's not like I want to sit here and complain , or for someone to feel sorry for me. It''s just one of those situations where I want to emotionally write.

And seeing as how I am also pregnant, that conveniently makes me that much more emotional. Who would have thought....

But here is the thing.... I wear a lot of hats. Hats. Man, I sure do hate when people talk about the "hats" they wear. In my head... I'm thinking hats? What hats? I hate hats {they make my face look fat}.  But here I am, talking about the hats that I wear. And for those that have never heard the term, or those that are like me and absolutely despise the term, then I will explain in normal people language. I carry a lot of baggage. I have a lot of roles. I am this, that, and everything in between.

Did that make any sense? I hope so.
Here is the part where I get a little deeper.

I feel like sometimes I forget all that I do. I don't appreciate all that I do. And I feel like people forget all the responsibilities that I carry on my shoulders, the sacrifices I make, and how hard I work at these things in my life. Sometimes I have to vocalize these things, and then I feel guilty for doing so. Am I saying that I am overwhelmed? No. Am I saying that I have too much on my plate? No. But do I wish that it was acknowledged more often? Probably. Maybe. I don't know. Yes.

And most days? 99% of the time? I never think about these things. But that 1%, that one day, which happens to be today, I think about it. A day where I just want to breakdown and say... you know what... I do a pretty amazing job for everything that I carry on my shoulders. And sometimes? Just sometimes... I'd like to be acknowledged for it.

What am I? Who am I? What do I do?

I'm a mother. A SAHM. First and foremost. It's by far the most important role in my life and will forever be the most important role in my life. My children come first and their health, life, and happiness is my number one priority. I make sure that my children are well fed with the best food out there and the healthiest that I can offer them. I make sure that they are well balanced. Daily time outside. Educational time inside. And time spent with other children when we have the opportunity. I make sure they know how to be gentle. To say their please and thank yous. To be kind to others. I make sure that they get enough love and hugs during the day. That I tell them just how much I love them, how beautiful they are, and how special they are in this world. Because they are, and they always will be. Being a mother? Is not something I take lightly. But the great thing about it? I absolutely, 100% love every minute of it. Without a doubt.

I'm a wife. I wouldn't be a mother without first being a wife. My husband is my best friend, my soulmate, my partner, and my better half. He completes me in ways no one else does, and I know he is the man I am to grow old with. I believe in traditional roles and I push myself to be the best wife I can be. I'm not perfect. I have plenty of room to improve, but the places where I need to improve are within myself more than anything else. I believe in a clean home and taking care of my husband. I make sure he comes home to a home cooked meal on the table, drink, utensils, and paper towel all set for him, and his lunch packed for the next day. Monday through Friday. No ifs or buts.  It's important for me to know that my husband is taken care of. That he doesn't have to scramble for food. That he can come home and unwind. And that I help make that happen. He doesn't expect this out of me. He doesn't demand it. I do it because I enjoy to and it pleases me to put food in my husband's belly. Especially when it tastes good {can't say it always does}. Again... its the whole traditional thing that I so strongly believe in.

I'm a nurse. I work in the ICU. Full time nights, 3 nights a week, as a registered nurse. I work for the number #1 rated critical care in the state. A 40 bed medical ICU. A unit where we see the sickest of the sick, the strangest cases, and the most remarkable ones as well.  People who go from near death to walking out. And sometimes? Those we have to let go. Some are old. Some are young. I've had 3 cases alone where I was the primary nurse taking care of organ donars. Teenagers in all cases. Families I had to support. A process where I will remember each and every one of these kids forever. I love what I do, and I am grateful that I can help provide for my family and at the same time be a full time SAHM with my children.

I am the financial/major life decision maker. I pay all the bills. I set up our retirement, our life insurance. Our car insurance. Our health, dental, and eye appointments. Whether or not to buy a car. What kind of house we can afford. What we can afford. A budget or not. Tax man {woman}.  I am that person. And my husband gives me that responsbility 100%. And trusts all the decisions that I make. And honestly? I wouldn't have it any other way. I like to know everything that is going on, and feel as though I have always been very responsible and smart with my money. I've had a job since I was 14. Paid my own cell phone bill since then. Paid for my own braces. Paid my gas. I have always worked hard for my money and if I want something? I'll make it happen. And honestly? I'm proud of that.

I photograph. I photograph to make memories for my family to look back on. To track my children's milestones. To capture the beautiful moments in our lives. I photograph because it makes me happy. I enjoy it. It's one of my favorite hobbies. I photograph for others. Families. Couples. Children. And I make money doing so. I make albums for my families. I blow up pictures to hang on our walls. I make photo books to track our memories. I photograph. Yes, I do and it's one of my greatest passions.

I write. I blog. And I take it seriously. What started out as a hobby has grown and transformed into someting even greater. It is my journal. My outlet. My memory for my family. Something to leave behind for my great great great grandchildren. Words and stories that brings joy to my heart. It's also something that provides more money for my family. Quite a bit more. And because of this, I work even harder at my blog. It's more than just my personal space. It's also my work space. I challenge myself to stay on top of it. So much so, that I have at least 2 weeks worth of posts scheduled at one time. So that I never feel pressured by my blog. Obligated. Or feel like I need to pull away from other aspects of my life. My blog is my personal space, a hobby, but it's also something that I see as a job. A fun job that I hope never ends.

So there you have it. My many hats. Although, there are more to list, those are my "every day" hats. Those are the responsibilities, roles, passions, and more in my life.
Now that I have written it out? I feel better. I feel like okay, I get it. I know who I am, what I am, and what I do. I know that I do a great job, but that there are always areas of improvement. I know that I work hard to maintain this house and make sure that my husband and children are happy, healthy, and well fed. I make sure that we meet our needs and our wants in our lives. That I find balance in what I do. That I find personal time to enjoy the little hobbies that are a big part of my life.
I am me. This is my life. I don't know anything else. I don't want anything else. I just want to know that I am doing a great job. And sometimes? I just want to hear it. Be acknowledged. Be appreciated.

My biggest challenge?
Is myself.

*** All comments have been turned off, as the intent of this post is not to hear how amazing I am or to have a pity party. I just wanted to write. And man. It felt good to do so.***

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