Wednesday, February 1, 2012

What I really think about those "JUDGY" Moms. Big girl Panties alert.

Warning. The only rule to read this post? You must have your big girl panties on in order to continue. If you need to go do a quick change, feel free to do so. This will still be here when you get back.

Now that that's out of the way, today I wanted to talk about a pretty hot topic on the interwebs. "Judgy" moms. You hear a lot about it in the blog land as well as the twitter world. People have thrown out their own views on the topic, some stating how wrong it is to judge, some stating so be it, let them judge.

And me? Well I sit right square in the middle of the subject. And before you jump to the conclusion that I think it is okay to judge and dismiss this completely, just rest assured that is not where I am heading with this. Just know that I don't think that it's wrong either {to a certain extent}. Why? Because we all do it.

But before we go on any further, let me just start out by saying that it hurts when I read stuff on the internet that is directed toward another mom with the intention of hurting her, embarrassing her, or belittling her style of parenthood. It happens more often than we may even realize. And its something that needs to be addressed, and stopped. Even if I agree with the general topic or that style of parenting that is being said, it still is a big no no for me and I am 100% against any sort of online bullying, especially when it is directed towards another mom.

Moms have a special place in my heart, for obvious reasons. 
So Judgments. What are they? What is okay? What isn't okay? {again, I'm not an expert... just stating my opinion, on my blog}

What are okay? The judgments that we internally  make when encountering an individual or particular situation.

This frequently happens without us even knowing. Sometimes we catch ourselves doing it. Sometimes we don't. Sometimes we get angry with ourselves for it.  But often times? We agree with those thoughts. We all have our own beliefs, way of life, and "rules" of motherhood. And whether we like it or not, we pass judgment probably more than we realize, or should. Because its within us to do so, and a flaw of human nature. And as much or as hard as you may try, we all do it.

So in that sense? We are all guilty. And that? Is okay.

And I'm not talking about generalized statements that people make or blog about. For instance, you may truly believe that kids shouldn't have a bottle past 1 years old and that as a mother you wouldn't allow it for your children. As long as you said it, you stated your opinion, and you left it at that. Fine. Great. You aren't directing it towards anyone, and you aren't following that with a... "you're a bad mom if you bottle feed your child past this certain age." Sure some people may take offense, but you have to remember people will not always agree with you.

Important. Repeat. PEOPLE. WILL. NOT. ALWAYS. AGREE. WITH. YOU.

And you know what? Who cares. 
{fyi. i gave E a bottle past 1... call be bad
You may truly believe that cloth diapering is the best way to go, and you may say that you can't imagine why people WOULDN'T cloth diaper. Hell, you could write a whole blog post about this and that. Awesome. Great. You said it, you believed it, and you left it at that. But if you add a little "judgy" statement like "moms who don't cloth diaper are just lazy and taking the easy way out, and obviously don't care about their baby's bottom" then that may just be a little much, sista.

Because moms like me would be like... "girlfriend I don't cloth diaper and my baby's bottom hasn't had an ounce of red since her birth." ---gotta throw out some humor... although, it is true.

You may truly believe that pacifiers are a big no no and you think that it is wrong to let a 3 year old walk around with one. Okay, you said it. You aren't directing it towards a specific individual. Sure, I'm sure someone will read that, and so happens that they have a 3 year old with a pacifier. And sure they may get their feelings hurt that you even mentioned this topic. But you can't control that. That's out of your hands. There will always be someone that gets their feelings hurt by anything you say. That's all a part of life.

Just don't go on to say that "moms who let their kids do this need parenting advice." Or anything that would question their mothering techniques or intentions.
You may truly believe that breastfeeding is best for the child. Great. I agree with you 100%. However, I wouldn't suggest following up that statement with... "how can you call yourself a mother if you don't at least try to breastfeed." Now, that, my friend is one ignorant statement. I breastfed for a year, I understand the benefits of breastfeeding, I believe in it wholeheartedly, but I also understand that there are different circumstances, different lives, trials, and hurdles that people encounter. Many of which we may not even be aware of. And sometimes, just sometimes, a woman may just not want to. So be it! It's her choice. Don't question her as a mother in doing so.
I frankly don't believe that breastfeeding a child at the age of 4 years old is normal. Three years old sounds insane to me. I'm not afraid to admit it {I've said it before}. I could even write a whole blog post about it. However, I do not think you are a bad mother for doing so. I would never tell you to STOP. Sure, it's not my style of parenting, and yes, I think it is bizarre beyond words... But I'm allowed to think that, and I would never directly say to you, "HEY YOU SALLY.. I THINK IT'S TIME THAT YOUR 4 YEAR OLD JOHNNY BOY STOPS WITH THE BOOB, IT'S A LITTLE MUCH DON'T YA THINK? 

You get where I am going with this?
So, the judgements that I am talking about here are the ones that people direct to a specific individual {or group of moms that do certain things or practice a different way of parenting then them} in order to inflict some sort of guilt or pain out of them. It's purposeful. Rude. And sometimes very nasty.

These women that call other moms out. Directly. Women that question their parenting style. Moms that try to tell other moms what is best and if they do it the other way than they are totally wrong or "take it from me" type of mentality. And those that go as far as demeaning their love for their child {those are the big violators right there.}

Even the passive agressive ones are just as bad. You know, the moms that are like... {no statements directed at me, just examples given}

"oh my, I think that you should feed that child more. He looks pretty small for his age." oh you do, I'm glad that now you have an MD behind your name. Do you have a stick up your azz too?

Or, "your child is eating that already?".... Why yes, and since you are concerned... let me tell you.. I give him hot dogs. Whole. Popcorn. Peanuts. And dog food. And veggies and fruit? Not allowed.


Or... "oh my goodness don't you think you should lower the bed."... Well, it is lowered... but thanks for trying to point out to the whole world that I am an incompetent mother.


And, my ultimate favorite "blah blah blah i think this, and i think you should do that.. and then i insert a smiley face at the end because I think that way you won't notice that i am being a royal know it all biiiiiiaaa" .... Need I say more?

Do you see where I am going with this? Although one may try to come off as nice, and give their "motherly advice"... it really is just your way of directly judging that mother and basically telling her how to mother that child. And it? Is not allowed, unless asked for. Mmmkay?
What I have to say to these judgy moms {the ones that are up on some self-made annoying pedestool}, is that is you don't know, you haven't been there, you haven't done that. You are not in that mother's shoes. You are not living that mother's life. And 99% of the time? You are wrong.

Sure, we are all human and we will all make judgments. Sometimes, we will slip and judge them directly, say something that is hurtful, or question their parenthood. But we should realize when we do this. Learn from it. Grow as adults, and more importantly as parents.

I'm not perfect. I have done it. And certainly, I've been embarrassed by it. But, I am continuing to learn how to be more open and see things from a different point of view.

I'm not asking you to change your views. Your parenting style. Or what you believe in. Hell, that would be like me asking you to change from a Republican to a Democrat {which I would never tell you to do such a thing... fun humor, if you will}.

Like politics, motherhood is one sore subject around the interwebs. People say that you have to watch what you say, censor your "mothering beliefs", and be all hush hush.

But I don't believe in that. I think you should be open to state your opinions, your beliefs, your style of parenting {even if it goes against what the majority may believe in}... just don't do it in a way that will belittle moms, question their parenting, or try to push your ideas on them. 

Because at the end of the day?  

Only I know what is best for my child. And only you know what is best for yours.
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{And who liked that I threw in some cheesin' pics of my sweet Elliana? I mean common... shes like the peacekeeper around here... I couldn't help myself}

68 comments:

  1. You couldn't have said it better! It amazing that there are all the EXPERTS in the world! And I am sure that their kids are perfect, lol.

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  2. YES! Thank you for addressing this. Especially the "mean mean mean, smiley face" comments ugh. I completely agree. I hate when I talk about something I don't like and people automatically assume I'm insulting them because they DO like it. They're called opinions people.

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  3. Excellent post! I hate hearing all the bs sometimes in the mommy world!! I am bookmarking this post:)

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  4. I was expecting a lot worse than that....I have my big girl panties on and everything. And I totally agree with you :) well said. I'm guilty of it myself, but never with the intention of being hateful.

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  5. Great post! I can't believe how openly judgmental people are towards mommies, both in real life and in blog land.

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  6. I LOVE the pics you threw in ! She is such a doll!

    And yes i cant stand judy moms....Youre right ...we have all done it to some extent.....but sometimes even family can get to me. I guess thats to be expected though .....I never hear the end of it about my kids having used a paci....or having bottles at age 3.....but like you said ....I know whats best for MY KID :)

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  7. You're seriously amazing for writing this. It's true, as humans we all judge each other, but like you said sometimes people tend to push it sometimes. Everyone has different parenting styles and that doesn't make them any less or more of a mom/parent. Yes as a mom I sometimes don't understand or necessarily agree with other mom's decision but I will never belittle them for their decision because I know for a fact that as a parent I'm sure I've done things as a mom that other moms would look down upon. I didn't breastfeed my daughter at all, she just got off her paci a few months ago and same with her bottle and she is doing perfectly fine.

    I think sometimes people just get a little carried away and sometimes we need to take a moment and really think about the things we say before saying them.

    Love, Jazmyn

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  8. I couldn't agree with you more! As mothers, we know our babies best. And different things work for different families. The whole point is to love our children and do what's best for them individually, not what's the mom down the street snidely said to you in passing.

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  9. Great post! I was just talking to my co-workers about this yesterday, how we are all guilty, but never mean to be hateful. I cannot stand the "well I breast feed/gave birth with no drugs/cloth diaper because I want whats best for my baby". As mothers, we all (okay, most all) want what's best for our baby. I breastfeed Gracie but I want to be done by 12 months because that's what I'm comfortable with, and I cannot stand when people try to make me feel bad for stopping at a year. Great post girl!

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  10. I agree with you 100% I never talk about anything mother related on FB or about politics! I will say though I have given adcive to a friend about something her child was not doing and he was already 15 months..It was not motherly advice it was information that I had studied at school, and just gave it to her. I told her that if a parent talks to the child they have an easier time talking,and her little one wasnt talking at all. Like I said I gave her some information I knew from school and just gave it to her,she could do whatever she wanted with her child.

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  11. Holy cow woman you need a standing ovation!! This post is one of the best I've read!! I, 199 percent agree with everything you said. Not one thing I diagree about. Were like twins... Except one blonde and one brunette :)

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  12. Ummm, standing ovation over here. Becky, this post is what draws me to your blog every day. No judgies to be found here. And even this post about judgy moms wasn't judgy. You go, girl. And those photos of Eliana? Look at you making the judgy moms who are reading this step back and remember why we are a community of support and not criticism! So glad you shared your thoughts today. Happy Wednesday, mama!

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  13. AMEN!

    I loved the pics of your sweet baby girl. She is too cute!!

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  14. Thank you for writing this post!! I agree with everything you said 100%!! With how many followers you have I think it is great that you had a post like this and hopefully someone who has done one of these "boo-boo's" will hopefully learn and not do it again.

    Those pics of E are ADORABLE!! LOVE her cute smile withher pearly whites! :)

    Olivia is really into sticking her tongue out too! SO funny!

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  15. Thank you thank you thank you!! Obviously great minds think alike with both of us posting similar posts this week! But that means we see what's going on and are not ignorant to it!! You said this sooo well mama! Xo

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  16. I think you're right. Everyone has personal opinions, but everyone also needs to be discreet and humble about them.

    I can tell this one's been simmering awhile maybe ... :) Good thoughts.

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  17. Agreed. We all have enough "mommy guilt" that we inflict upon ourselves...we don't need it from others. Passive aggressive is the WORST for me...infuriates me and makes me wanna slap someone. ;) I am guilty of judging in my head...in fact, I used to judge moms who didn't breastfeed or stopped breastfeeding....then I had a baby who is a very difficult baby when it comes to breastfeeding and it hasn't been easy since Day 1...and I've wanted to quit a million times...and now I totally get it. We must be careful...even with our thoughts...karma is one mean motha'.

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  18. I completely agree! You said it so eloquently too. I admit, I'm guilty of moments where I think "Dude! What are you doing?!" but I THINK it. I would never say or judge another mother, b/c 1. my moma raised me better than that and 2. I would be horrified if someone did that to me. Thankfully, I've been fortunate enough to recognize this about myself before it's too late. I'm not totally innocent, but I've always realized when I've done wrong, and made sure I apologized. I just wish others were a little more self-aware. These types of posts wouldn't be necessary if they were :)

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  19. Great post! It's so irritating to have to censor what I put on my blog because so trolling b*tch wants to throw her 2 cents at me when she has 10 children and can't even understand for half a second what I'm going through. Loved this!

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  20. Great post! Mothers can be harsh creatures sometimes and it saddens me that some are more willing to judge than support each other. Loved every word and all the pictures, of course :)

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  21. This is a great post! AMEN sister, I totally agree with everything you said, we all need to learn to be a little less judgmental. If pl don't like what they read on someone else's blog then stop reading it. Loving the pictures of sweet Ellie, to cute!

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  22. i'm not a mom but even i liked this post. i agree with everything you said :)

    your daughter is so beautiful!

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  23. I'm not a mother {maybe someday} but I can assure you I will not be one of those "judgy" moms.

    I'm a firm believer in the phrases, "live & let live" and "to each, his own".

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  24. I love this and agree with you 100% and honestly I can say I used to judge while I was pregnant with Vince. I would go on baby center {which I don't even go on any more because it made me think there was always something wrong with Vince} and read these post of women being judgmental and I think I got brain washed by it. Then I had Vince and I realized that there is no room to judge any mother for anything you do. I see my friends doing things that I read was "bad" and these babies are happy and healthy. It really made me take things into perspective. Thanks for being so honest. I don't know if I would have the women balls to post this, but I love it!

    BTW the last pictures where she is showing her teeth are soooo adorable!!!

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  25. I am sincerely officially in love with your blog! I agree with your opinion and love how you explained everything! Very informative & hilarious!!!

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  26. Great post! I'm already prepping myself for the judgies when Little B gets here...Ugh!

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  27. Lol..Im not a mother yet, but boy do I love this an completly agree with you:)same things go for a marriage also, many ppl think there is a certain way to be in a marriage or simply ways to do things right etc.

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  28. I totally agree with you 100%. I can't tell you the amount of times I have had to exit twitter because I was tired of hearing views on CIO vs Co-sleepers. It gets nasty sometimes and I don't appreciate it. Everyone has their own ways of doing things and that should be respected.

    So, yeah....AMEN!

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  29. You go girl! I totally, 100% agree! It is so frustrating to read on facebook and in blog comments other people telling a mother how wrong her parenting decisions are! And I have a few friends that REALLY need to read this because they preach all the time about how wrong another mother's style is and that they would never do it that way... Get over yourself is what I yell at the monitor everytime I read their "advice" about parenting. Each child and their development is different, what worked for your first child may not work for your second and it sure as hell may not work for someone else's child!

    Did I mention that this post was spot-on?!?! :)

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  30. loooooove it! hey guess what, I STILL give my ALMOST FOUR YEAR OLD a bottle at bedtime ha! He just wants it, so I give it to him. And my almost 2 year old is obsessed with pacifiers and he can keep them til kindergarden for all I care :)

    loved it my sista friend!

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  31. I agree with you 100%. We all do it. In fact, I judged a mom last week bc she breastfed her over 3-yr old when the kid screamed "But I don't want WAAAAATTTTER, I want MIIIIIIILK!!!!!" It made me feel weird bc she was sitting right next to me and whipped out her braless milktap, so I guess it's my problem. I felt bad for judging her because when it comes down to it, it's none of my beeswax. Did I say anything? Heck no! Some people just don't have a filter.

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  32. Who are you to judge the life I live? before you go pointing fingers, make sure your hands are clean... MY motto!!! What i live by. God doesn't Judge and neither should anyone else.
    great post!xoxo

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  33. This is so well said! Luckily I haven't run into any judgy moms personally but I've definitely seen it out there. We are all entitled to our opinion but we have no right to make others feel bad for their beliefs!

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  34. Perfectly said! Those moms kill me...especially the passive aggressive ones! Yikes. Because being a mom isn't hard enough without having to worry about your decisions being critiqued by the rest of the world...

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  35. PREACH my friend.
    Standing O for you!
    Not a mama yet, but I agree with everything you said.
    xoxo

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  36. I agree with everything you said! Online bullying is outrageous and so unnecessay!

    Amen sista! :)

    xo

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  37. This post is pure perfection. Cheers.

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  38. PREEECH sista mommy! lol! seriously very well written. and so true! people are always quick to judge but you know these people must have far too much time on their hands. i remember writing a post on this trying to express my self, i know we all do it but since becoming a mother my looks of "control your kid" went to the "iv been there too" look us mommy know. its never easy and no one is perfect, no ones technique is perfect. We only know what works in our OWN FAMILY in our OWN LIFE.

    share my experience with you ladies:

    I am the perfect mommy

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  39. I don't have kids, but I totally agree. I have blogged before about how I am guilty of judging silently. But it was silent. And I have blogged about how two other bloggers had to ask to not get any mean comments when they blogged about how they raised their children.

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  40. Love this post and love the pictures of E, she's so darn cute!

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  41. well, i just stopped on over since you just became a new follower of my little blog (thank you!), and let me just tell you, i LOVE this! I seriously was laughing out loud as I read. (well, and coughed because I'm major sick right now. Sigh. ). There are some seriously vicious moms out there these days, and they are not afraid to let their bitch flag fly. Sad, really.

    Also, that little lady of yours is quite the cutie pie :)

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  42. I'm so in "the middle" of a lot of hot Byron parenting issues because I typically do a mix of things not one or the other. We do what works for US and I expect every parent to do what works for THEM.

    Sometimes I do internally judge other parents. The key word? INTERNALLY! It is not my place to say anything regardless of what I disagree with.

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  43. I don't get why people need to open their big fat mouths to say hurtful things about parenting. I was watching a friends kid once and brought her to a store. These two people decided to stage an intervention about how small she was and how I wasn't feeding her enough and look at how pasty she was. A) She ate like a horse, despite her size. B) That's what happens when you properly lotion your child in the sun, they don't have a tan. I let it slide, but I'm pretty sure I would have went off if it was my own kid.

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  44. They call them mother bitches! Great post!

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  45. Okay, so this is just AWESOME!! Kudos to you!! This is what every mom needs to hear... Oh, and I'm loving all of the photos of your adorable little girl! :) Happy Wednesday!

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  46. Great post! Even my sister who was there throughout it all will still say "why is she still sleeping in bed with you, put her in her crib blah blah blah." Yea I know she needs to go in her crib and she will, but easier said then done! I have to refrain from saying the old, "wait until you have kids." You don't truly understand until you have a child of your own.

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  47. I have so much to say about this. Elliana is adorable, as always. Her little scarf is too cute! I drafted a post similar to this a few weeks ago just venting about what the random people tell me. I wish I could tell those women (usually older) who never had twins to STFU. I wish I could point them to your post instead because you said it so much better.

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  48. You're so right! I wish people would remember, "Do unto others". Seems like so many people are too self-absorbed to realize how their comments affect others. It's really not that difficult to treat people with kindness and respect.

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  49. Dear God, THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This is the reason I follow your blog. you are awesome!

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  50. I totally agree with you!!! You said what so many moms think!!!

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  51. What a wonderfully written post. You are exactly right. Sure we all jusdge other moms, other people...and that's fine...IN YOUR MIND. But people have been runnig their mouths a little bit too much and it needs to stop!

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  52. This doesn't only pertain to mothers or parenting.. it's to most aspects in life. Also the cheesin pictures are ADORABLE!!

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  53. THANK YOU!!! I wholeheartedly agree with EVERYTHING you said hon! My kiddo has her own mind, and we do things on a different timeline that others, and I DO NOT need to be judged. I understand everyone parents differently (like you said), and that's okay! But don't roll your eyes and point out things I should or should not be doing...cause I know my daughter best!
    ♥ Kyna

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  54. YES. it applies to so much more than just judgy moms too. everyone should be nice and learn how to respectfully disagree with others.

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  55. That lower the crib thing was me on IG. Sorry bout that.

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  56. Love it and agree 100%! I do love hearing other moms advice and opinions on how they do things, but just like you said, only we truly know what's best for our own kids. And Eli, ah..so stinkin cute as always!

    nandtandbandb.blogspot

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  57. I loved this post as well! I have felt some of the things you talked about (meaning it was judgements directed at me, sorta...). I met other moms at la leche league when I was having issues with bf. Then on Facebook some of these moms basically attacked me on delaying solids after another friend merely asked if I gave my son cereal at that point. I basically told them to back off, but they really made me feel attacked and doubt myself. I'm a ftm, so I do enough self doubting so as it is! And you know what? U started cereal at 4 months and am glad I did! They can start whenever they want but please don't tell me what I should do. And I know some of these same moms are now judging me for switching to formula. My son basically stopped gaining weight due to reflux. The specialist is making us switch and concentrate it more to make sure he is getting more calories and get his weight gain on track. They didn't care that he's small, but they do care when he basically fails to thrive. But to these moms, breast milk is everything, formula is poison, and doctors are quacks, and there's one individual who makes sure you know that! So I have definitely felt the judgements firsthand, and even though there are things I could judge about them, I don't do it. That's how they want to raise their child, let them, it's their child, but then since I don't voice my opinions and judgements to them about their parenting, a little of the same in return would be appreciated! I wish I could share this post with them....but then I would really start trouble, LOL! And I'm going to be the better person and let it go. Thanks so much for writing this though! Awesome post!

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  58. I think that could have been one of the best posts I've read all year long!! This needed to be addressed, so thank you! And I hope it does stop or at least come to a minimum. I feel embarrassed cause I know I've done this before to a friend or two without completely realizing it. I mention my opinions sometimes and even that I feel can be too much, cause someone always takes it the wrong way! {me included at times}. Loved all your darling pictures!! Well said girl, WELL SAID!

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  59. * slowing clapping hands*

    great post!

    the one about breastfeeding hurts. I wasn't breastfeed as I was sick when I was born and if my mom ever read that statement. It would make her cry. Well said my love.

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  60. Thank you for putting this out there!!

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  61. Saying Hello from the link up @ The Wiegand's :)

    Kristina
    http://www.yomichaelmichael.com

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  62. wonderful post and I couldnt agree more!

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  63. I loved this post & I'm not even a mom :) You go Becky!!

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  64. VERY well put!
    I know I'm so late on commenting, but I'm catching up on many of your past Blog posts, & absolutley LOVE this one!
    If you don't mind, I would LOVE to share this one! It is so dead on and so true.

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