Letting Go.

2.08.13
It's a hard concept you know. To let go. To the things that you hold dearest to your heart. The people that mean the most to you in life. To trust in others and have faith. I understand that this is all a part of life...but that doesn't make it any easier.

My daughter. I carried her in my womb for 9 months. I gave her the means to grow in that womb. I gave birth to this beautiful baby girl. Video taped her first laugh. Jumped with joy at her first roll over. And cheered her on as she took her first steps. All her other milestones down the road? I was there for. And with the biggest, proudest, mama pride, I celebrated each and every one of them.

And today, it was hard to celebrate this new milestone......

We have spent 821 days together. Raising, loving, and guiding her. And today, on her 27th month birthday {ah, I swore I wouldn' t be the mom that counted months after age 2}, I sat in the parking lot unsure of myself. Tears.

You see, it was hard enough to put my two feet forward, get the kids ready, put them in the car, and go. Hard. The drive was very quiet, the baby boy was sleeping, and Elliana was tired from being up so much the night before. So she sat peacefully.

It gave me this time during the drive to think. As much as I love drives like this.... quiet and full of thought... I was really hating it at this moment. I was hoping Elliana would chime in and start babbling a 100 words per minute as she usually had... or better yet, the baby boy wake up screaming...but, unfortunately {or fortunately}, that didn't happen. Instead, it was just me, my thoughts, and rascall flatts.

Darn you Rascall, you do this to me every time.

I can't tell you how many times I wanted to turn that car around and go back home. The conversations that were going on in my head. The calm strong rational mama on the right shoulder. And the emotional over-protective mama on the other. Arguing.

The calm strong one clearly won that match as I did eventually make it to that Church parking lot.

Remember? Tears.

I only sat there for a brief moment. Collecting my thoughts and reminding myself that this was best for Elliana. That 8 hours a week away from mama would not be so bad. That other people can and will love her. That she will enjoy the interaction with kids. That I will beam with excitement at every project she brings home to share. That I'll still be that mama cheering and bursting with pride at every little thing my daughter does.

It's a new milestone for us. Letting go. We are heading into a new direction of firsts for us.

I'm sure when this fall comes, there will be many many more tears to come. But I've been strong so far. I think. Probably not, though. I'm learning the power of letting go. But I'm struggling with it. I have 6 more months of preparation. But I want to cry already.

I'm telling you guys, this whole preschool thing is no joke. I don't know how you mamas do it. I keep thinking that I can somehow avoid it. I know I'm not doing it because of the "learning aspect" as Elliana  already knows everything they are planning on teaching her. Instead, it is the experience that I want her to gain from it. The socialization. The fun that I know she will experience.

But fun? For me? Is lacking.

I feel like it will be torture for me.

And I may... I may... just back out.
Don't be surprised.

It's hard for me. Really hard....
To let go. But I just know that I cannot bottle her up forever.... because if I could?

I would.