Monday, March 25, 2013

Letting Go.

It's a hard concept you know. To let go. To the things that you hold dearest to your heart. The people that mean the most to you in life. To trust in others and have faith. I understand that this is all a part of life...but that doesn't make it any easier.

My daughter. I carried her in my womb for 9 months. I gave her the means to grow in that womb. I gave birth to this beautiful baby girl. Video taped her first laugh. Jumped with joy at her first roll over. And cheered her on as she took her first steps. All her other milestones down the road? I was there for. And with the biggest, proudest, mama pride, I celebrated each and every one of them.

And today, it was hard to celebrate this new milestone......

We have spent 821 days together. Raising, loving, and guiding her. And today, on her 27th month birthday {ah, I swore I wouldn' t be the mom that counted months after age 2}, I sat in the parking lot unsure of myself. Tears.

You see, it was hard enough to put my two feet forward, get the kids ready, put them in the car, and go. Hard. The drive was very quiet, the baby boy was sleeping, and Elliana was tired from being up so much the night before. So she sat peacefully.

It gave me this time during the drive to think. As much as I love drives like this.... quiet and full of thought... I was really hating it at this moment. I was hoping Elliana would chime in and start babbling a 100 words per minute as she usually had... or better yet, the baby boy wake up screaming...but, unfortunately {or fortunately}, that didn't happen. Instead, it was just me, my thoughts, and rascall flatts.

Darn you Rascall, you do this to me every time.

I can't tell you how many times I wanted to turn that car around and go back home. The conversations that were going on in my head. The calm strong rational mama on the right shoulder. And the emotional over-protective mama on the other. Arguing.

The calm strong one clearly won that match as I did eventually make it to that Church parking lot.

Remember? Tears.

I only sat there for a brief moment. Collecting my thoughts and reminding myself that this was best for Elliana. That 8 hours a week away from mama would not be so bad. That other people can and will love her. That she will enjoy the interaction with kids. That I will beam with excitement at every project she brings home to share. That I'll still be that mama cheering and bursting with pride at every little thing my daughter does.

It's a new milestone for us. Letting go. We are heading into a new direction of firsts for us.

I'm sure when this fall comes, there will be many many more tears to come. But I've been strong so far. I think. Probably not, though. I'm learning the power of letting go. But I'm struggling with it. I have 6 more months of preparation. But I want to cry already.

I'm telling you guys, this whole preschool thing is no joke. I don't know how you mamas do it. I keep thinking that I can somehow avoid it. I know I'm not doing it because of the "learning aspect" as Elliana  already knows everything they are planning on teaching her. Instead, it is the experience that I want her to gain from it. The socialization. The fun that I know she will experience.

But fun? For me? Is lacking.

I feel like it will be torture for me.

And I may... I may... just back out.
Don't be surprised.

It's hard for me. Really hard....
To let go. But I just know that I cannot bottle her up forever.... because if I could?

I would.


  1. I hear you mama- this is one of the hardest things to do as a mom! The first day Julianna went she was excited and ran into the classroom while I cried in the hallway as I signed her into class that day. The good news is that she grew to love school so much! She expanded her group of friends and I had to as well. All the moms were in the hallway together for drop off and pick up, all in all it has been a great experience and it has given me the chance to give Kelsey some one on one time as well. Hope all gets better soon love!

  2. Oh my goodness, Becky! I couldn't imagine! I plan to do the same with Maddie once she turns two, because I think the social aspect of a structured environment is very important, but I so don't want to for selfish reasons! With a lot of your posts I'm so glad that you're so open and honest about stuff like this. It always helps to know that we're not alone when it comes to this type of thing! Although my daughter is a year behind Elliana you get me thinking (and preparing) about things to come!

    I pray for your strength as you and Elliana make this transition!!!

  3. Hang in there, momma!! I can't even imagine how hard that is, but you are doing the best thing!!!!

  4. omg I will die the day mine is big enough to go to preschool!! Makes me want to cry just thinking about it ):

  5. Beautiful post! Brought me back to my oldest daughters first day of preschool and and holding back tears till I sat in the car and the drive home just balling! Now today...we are going to tour our second oldest daughters preschool for the fall. Eek!

    Feel free to check out my newest post about faith!!

  6. my first 3 went to preschool..the last 3 won't...


    i remember dropping child #1 off for the first time..i cried and then stood in the hallway for ages. they told me i had to stand away from the window in case he saw me....i looked anyways and i realized he 'didn't' even look for me....

    by month 2 i was running away and rushing to the store to rush back to be 30 mins early for carpool line bahaha...seems like yesterday!

  7. We are starting Ellie in preschool this summer, and I am already trying to think of every excuse in the book of why she shouldn't go...but truthfully, she needs it...she needs the experience...she is getting bored at home...and she will EVENTUALLY go to school, I'm just prolonging it if I wait another year, and then another year. I want her to be prepared so that when she starts kindergarten it's not so much of a social shock to her...but I just can't let means she's growing up, and I just don't like to think about that at all!!!
    ♥ Kyna

  8. I promise (for me at least) it gets easier! She will learn to love her teachers and friends and it will be much easier on your heart strings to leave her :)

  9. Awww..I totally get how you are feeling. We just started daycare for our little one last week and everyday I drop her off I sit in my car and cry hahaha. Now as each day passes there is less crying, but it will be so good for her to be able to interact with other kids her age. I love picking up my little one and reading the reports the caregivers give me and I get to read how she plays with the other babies and how much more she is learning that I sometimes can't teach her! It will get easier as time goes on I promise!

  10. I am THAT mama.
    The one that can't sleep, can't eat and just gets downright depressed when it comes to even THINKING about the day I'll have to put my little girl into school. We did the daycare thing when she turned one (I couldn't bring myself to do it any earlier) so that I could try to work a 9-5 job.
    I would make her daddy bring her and drop her off in the mornings because when I did it. TEARS. every. time.
    He hated it just as much, so back at home I am, going through nursing school, so that when she does end up having to go to Kindergarten, I'll (hopefully) be to where I can have a good job to keep me BUSY! ALL. DAY. so that I won't have to think about it.

    I know parents that try to FIND things to put their kids in to so that they can have time for themselves. How they can do that..I'll NEVER know.

  11. I can relate. I have a 5 and a 3 year old and when my 5 year started preschool, it was hard at first. It got a lot easier when I saw how much he LOVED it! It was only 2 days a week the first year and now it's 3 days per week. He'll start Kindergarten in the fall and that will be hard for me. Harder than preschool. I get choked up just thinking about dropping him off at the Elementary school with the mix of 'big' kids and all the little Kindergarten kids. My daughter will be in preschool in the fall, it'll be easier with her though because she is SO ready. It will be nice to have a little 'me' time while the kids are in school though, actually going to Target by myself makes me want to dance! Anyway, good luck. Don't back out of preschool, she will LOVE it! Do it for her! You'll be okay and just think of all the little art projects you'll get and the secret little gifts they make for Christmas and Mother's Day :)

  12. Oh I wish I could just give you a hug and tell you it's all going to be ok...I promise. :) I remember being in your shoes 18 years ago when my oldest started pre-school. Now I get to sit through high school graduation wondering how it flew by so damn fast!


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