Wednesday, September 5, 2012

"There's something... but it's nothing..." Part II

9.5.12
....part one....

And then the radiologist walks in. A handsome, tall, young man that had some sort of calmness and strength about him that almost instantly put me at ease. 

He pulled the curtain. Grabbed the box of kleenex. Put his hand on mine and said...

"We found something.... but please don't worry, it's nothing."


NOTHING. If it's nothing then why are we doing a third ultrasound in less than 30 minutes. If it's nothing then why are you, the mystery radiologist, that I have never had to meet before sitting in front of me. If it's nothing then why do I feel like a hundred broken pieces unable to be put back together.

IF it's NOTHING then tell me what it is.

Of course, I didn't say any of these things. How could I? I sat there so numb and silent, worried and confused, that I probably couldn't speak english yet alone demand answers during those first few moments. 

He could tell that about me. The radiologist. I didn't have to say anything. In fact, I said nothing. And it's as though he could hear every thought and emotion going through me that very second... and before I could open my mouth, he opened his....

"We found a white spot on the baby's heart. This is known as calcification."
"A white spot on the heart is neither an abnormality nor birth defect. "
"It does not indicate that something is wrong with your baby."
"1% of babies have this, and live normal healthy lives."
"This is what we like to call a soft marker. What that means is that we must look further when we see these things... to make sure."
"It does not increase the chance of your baby having down syndrome. You walked into this room with a 1 in 1,000 chance. You will walk out of this room with a 1 in 1,000 chance."
"If I had the option, I wouldn't even tell moms about this because it causes unnecessary worry."

I sat and cried for a little while, taking it all on, not sure of where we were going with all this. He went on explaining things in further detail to me. What he was about to do. What he was about to look for. What this means. What it doesn't mean. Explaining to me not to worry, and why they do/look for what they do.

Before he began the ultrasound he looked at me and said those words again... "Your baby is fine. Yes, there is something there, but it's nothing."

"Again, if it's nothing... then why are we taking a closer look?"

Great question. The reason for that is because they have to, in order to be sure. And by sure, I mean as sure as technology allows us to be. Although they did not notice anything on my original ultrasound, that white spot alone triggered for him to come in the room to look further. Do more measurements. Analyze things a little closer.

So the wand went onto my belly. That cold jelly. You know, I felt it more this time. I paid attention to every detail. Hung onto every word. Nervous for him to find more.

He kept eye contact with me at every possible opportunity. Assuring me every chance he could get. Sharing everything with me in such great detail....listening to the words I wasn't vocalizing. Answering the questions I couldn't quite find the words to ask.

He looked at the brain. Measured the outer layer. Perfect. Looked at the nasal structure to make sure there was skeletal formation present. It's there. Glanced at the limbs. Proportional, not short. Took a closer look at the heart. Looks great.

After he finished, he raised the seat up. Positioned my pillow so I could be more comfortable and asked me how I was doing...

At this point, the tears had stopped. I had ten million and one thoughts running through my head... and all I could think was that I felt at ease. That sometime in that last 20 minutes... something clicked. Whether it was the fact I was blessed with such a kind, caring, knowledgable physician.... or the fact that I knew in my heart that everything would end up okay...something told me that this happened for a reason. That I needed to be reminded of the blessing that this child is. To not take good health for granted. And to trust and have faith.

So what does this all mean?

There's nothing of certainty. But because this was the only marker, and because it is neither an abnormality nor a birth defect, there is no reason for them to believe that my baby has Down Syndrome. Like the doctor had said, finding this marker did not increase my chances nor indicate that something may be wrong. It's something that just happens to be there. And because it's there? It raises a red flag for them to look further.

He went on to say that he compares it to a baby who is born with blue eyes versus one that is born with brown. Neither one is better than the other, neither one is healthier than the other. One is not more abnormal or with a disability. They are just born different.

And thus, my baby has a white spot on his heart. Neither making him abnormal, different, or set up for any health risks in his future.

"It's something... but yet... it's nothing."

I will hold on to those words, and pray for my baby the day we deliver that his "white spot" proves to show us that, in fact, it was nothing. And I am reminded now, every day, that nothing in this world is of certainty. 

That technology does not always have the right answers.
That sometimes it does more bad than good.
That sometimes, we know too much.

That something that "is there" may be something "that isn't."

58 comments:

  1. Prayers going out for your little boy & healthy pregnancy. Your radiologist sounds pretty amazing.

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  2. Wow I can imagine the fear you had. So glad to hear you had a great tech there explaining everything. Glad you sat up and felt better, as moms we just seem to know more than the machines. Prayers for you and your healthy baby!

    Eastonwife.blogspot.com

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  3. I will continue to pray for you girly :)

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  4. Whew! It sounds like you have a wonderful doctor who is very caring and put you at ease. I am so happy that the "something" was really "nothing". :)

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  5. I agree with Michelle. Positive thoughts sent your way :) xo

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  6. Wow,you just took me back 7 years!!! And my tech was not as reassuring...after an hour of measuring my baby and not a word said to comfort me, he disappeared and came back an hour later with a doctor, telling me that my baby has down-syndrome, because her eyes were too wide and the skin on the back of her neck too thin...I will never forget the fear and the endless prayers. Two days later, they sent me to a specialist who told me they can abort me right now or if I wait too long, I would have to go to US (my chances for having a down syndrome baby too was 1 in 1000). THANK GOD I didn't listen and asked to be sent for a second opinion, because I gave birth to a perfectly beautiful, healthy baby girl (no down syndrome). I will definitely keep you and your baby in my prayers (and do ask for a second opinion if it will put your mind at ease)
    All the best, Kristina

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  7. I'm so thankful that all is well and that it truly is nothing, and also that you had such a wonderful physician! I went through something similar during my baby boy's ultrasound. The tech mentioned something about the heart chamber and left to get the doctor. Turned out he was just in a weird position and she needed a second pair of eyes, but they did a terrible job of informing me of what was going on, so I was of course completely emotional. You're right - sometimes technology can create additional stress. But "something that's nothing" is definitely a blessing!

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  8. Thank God and thank God for that great doctor of yours!

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  9. Wow, scary! But, so thankful to hear it's nothing! What an amazing doctor you have! So caring. I hope when I have kids someday that I find a doctor that cares and has excellent bedside manner like that. Prayers to you and your family, sweet girl! Beautifully told story!

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  10. I am so thankful for the "nothing"! Praying for you and your little guy!

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  11. I'm so overwhelmed by the kindness of the doctor you describe. It's unfortunate that many do not possess the same kind of bedside manner. You are blessed to have someone like him to be there to explain it all to you. I hope you are not worrying about this "spot" and that you have faith that everything is as it should be!! xo

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  12. Our Ellie Faith had the same thing... Showed up until late into my third trimester. My sister in law has Down Syndrome so the docs were slightly "curious" and sent us to high risk. The staff was amazing and ultimately the high risk obgyn said me and the baby looked so healthy he recommended against an amino (more definitive test) since it wasn't going to change our minds about whether or not to proceed with the pregnancy. I thought it would be in the forefront of my mind during delivery ... Didn't think of it until she was 2 wks old. It can be so nerve racking though!

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  13. Wow!! Your dr sounds amazing!! I will keep little teddy in my thought and pray that the little white spot is still "nothing."

    Thank you for sharing this!!

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  14. Your doctor is so amazing! Can I move there just to go to that practice! My midwifes were anything but endearing when we had a scare, they pretty much told me to suck it up! haha! Little man has a white spot on his heart from heaven, a light to show that God is good ;) He IS and will be perfect, I mean come on, he is the best of you and your husband, how can he be anything BUT PERFECT!?!? Hugs to you! I cannot wait to see this little man!!! EEEEEEEEEK!!!! xoxoxo

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  15. Awwwwww Your doctor sounded absolutely sent from heaven because he seemed to be tuned in completely to what was happening! Your baby in there is amazingly perfect! And I agree with your last sentence! Technology can sometimes not be the wonder it is talked to be... sometimes it places unneccessary worry into the hearts of many people... so with that said... hold tight to your faith because no matter what baby comes out ... he has all the necessary things .. and a family with a whole lot of love! <3 to welcome him when he arrives!

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  16. Thank goodness that doctor walked into your room!! If only every doctor could be like him!!
    Keep thinking the positive thoughts as I'm sure everyone who reads this is doing for you!

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  17. I'm glad the doctor took the time to explain everything and I will be praying for a perfect outcome for you & baby!

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  18. Oh wow this has to be a little scary and some added stress. However it sounds like you are keeping positive and that's the important thing. Will be thinking of you!

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  19. I had the same experience with my first son 2 years ago. They had me come back for a level 2 u/s about 2 weeks later and the calcification was gone. It's very scary, but he's right, it really is nothing.

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  20. What a great doctor!! Your baby is a blessing & I will keep you both in my prayers. I'm sure they are just taking extra percautions like he said - they have to look into it further. :)
    You are going to have a healthy baby with a wonderful pre-birth story!

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  21. So happy you had such a fantastic doctor! I can't imagine how much that helped. Still sending positive thoughts to you and baby :)

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  22. this post broke my heart. i'm so sorry you had to go through such a rough experience. i've never had a child (or been pregnant) but i just can't imagine all the things that were going through your mind that day. *hugs* and prayers your way.

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  23. Praying for you and your family! :)

    <3 Melissa

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  24. I'll be praying for you, your sweet little baby boy and for God to give you peace about this.

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  25. my first kiddo had this and I got a call from the nurse while I was at work and the same exact words came from her mouth - immediately burst into tears sitting at my desk. went to see a sono specialist and my sweet daddy took off work to be with me!!!! everything turned out to be find on that second scan but it sure scares the crap out of you :( everything will be okay in the end and your sweet baby boy will be perfect, a terror (cause that is what boys are) but perfect.

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  26. Girl you had me on edge! He'll be fine. I had a scare with my first. They thought they couldn't find a stomach bubble and she also had a cyst on her kidney. I had to wait 2 weeks to get a level 2 ultrasound. They found the stomach bubble and the cyst was there but it stayed the same size and dissapeared once she was a few months old.

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  27. I know your situation all too well. When I went for my second ultrasound of my now 3 year old son, they also found 3 white spots. Seemed like you were telling my story for me. I had such worry but then they recommended I go to a very well known hospital in STL and although they still seen these spots, they assured me "it was nothing to worry of". So we waited and my son had tests performed on him after birth to be sure that these spots were just that, nothing. As of today, there have been no issues with him and I thank God for that. I know there is nothing someone can say to comfort you when you are given such a situation but I pray for you to have a very healthy baby! Good luck to you and your family.

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  28. My little brother (who I am 10 years older than) had the same thing and he is a healthy 14 year old boy! The calcification was checked when he was born with an ultrasound and it went away. I know your baby boy with be strong and healthy!

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  29. Holy crap! Dude why do doctors have to use freaky phrases??? Ugh. My son had a dilated kidney and no one would tell me what it meant or if it was dangerous or ANYTHING...and he was born and still had it in both kidneys...and a year later...still had it in one...we haven't checked it again since the new doctor wasn't worried...but at six weeks had to have this horrible test where they shoot iodine up his urethra...ugh...it was horrible! So I am glad that the doctor says it was nothing...I will say some prayers for you that it really is nothing :-) I am sure everything will be fine...I wish doctors wouldn't freak us all out thought. eesh!

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  30. Saying a prayer for you and the unnamed sweet baby boy ... Gosh, Becky, I hate that you even have to have this on the back of your mind. Love you guys. Praying big time to the big guy!

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  31. Praying for you guys!!! I think you are totally right, sometimes we know too much! Praying for peace over you!!

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  32. Oh sweetie I'm sorry you went through that! Props to you for sharing this too. Thinking about you but I know everything will be fine!

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  33. As I read the first post, I was kinda thinking/hoping this was what it was. I say hoping because I have had friends with this same spot on their ultrasound pics AND their babies have all turned out PERFECTLY normal! :) I will continue praying for your little guy, but I have faith everything will be fine!

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  34. I'm glad that it's nothing serious, it sounds like your little man will still be born absolutely perfect. I'm sorry you had to go through such a scare.

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  35. Thank goodness THAT radiologist came in to see you. It is no coincidence! He knew without you saying a word how to ease your fears, so that you can go through the rest of the pregnancy with no additional worry or stress. As mamas, we worry anyway even if they didn't see a little white spot on his heart. Bless that sweet man and bless you!!

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  36. I have to say, I read a lot of blogs, but very rarely comment. But these last two posts really hit home to me after having suffered a miscarriage just recently. You said it right: "children are blessings!" Prayers go out to you!

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  37. Wow, thanks for sharing, friend. You are so right, sometimes technology can be more bad than good. Jer and I will definitely keep y'all in our prayers until baby boy is born. Hugs to you my friend. xo

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  38. My nephew had the same white spot and my sister was told the same thing. He was born a beautiful healthy baby boy!!

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  39. So sorry you even have to have this in the back of your mind. I will pray that this is in fact nothing and for your mind to be at ease. So glad you ended up with a wonderful doctor who seemed to handle this situation perfectly.

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  40. lady. i am so happy to hear you had such an amazing doctor.

    when i was pregnant with my son {who is now 3 1/2} my ob told me after my 21 week ultrasound that they had found "something, and to not be worried... but i needed to see a genetic specialist"

    which i could not get into for TWO WEEKS. two weeks? do you have any idea how that feels for a mother at that moment.

    i was told my son had a "soft marker" as well. unlike your baby, my son had some "issues" with his kidneys... which warranted an extensive ultrasound with a specialist.

    who was amazing {when i finally got in to see him}.

    he reassured me after the scan that everything looked great.

    rest assured. your baby will be beautiful. and, be a blessing.

    keep your faith.

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  41. praying for lil man and you momma!
    and yes, sometimes knowing too much is a burden....
    I'm sure all is well tho, regardless!! <3 <3

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  42. Praying for your precious family and little one growing,,, As a nurse - your mind is probably going a mile a minute. As a nurse myself, I get that but God is Good and you have so many people praying "it's nothing"...

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  43. What an absolutely wonderful radiologist! Such a blessing that he was able to put you at ease in such a scary moment. Y'all have been and will continue to be in my prayers!!

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  44. How scary! Sending prayers that he will be born perfectly healthy!

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  45. Sorry you had to go through all that worry and fear. I'm sure everything is fine. Have you considered doing more testing or are you feeling ok with all that you currently know?

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  46. oh girl...i am so glad that it is nothing! :) everything will work out perfectly, not matter what you little man will be loved with every ounce of you!! he will be a perfect little man :)

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  47. Totally understand that feeling! With my second pregnancy we had a "pregnancy defect" where we were missing a vein in the umbilical cord. Same thing...1% of all pregnancy have this, extra tests, ect. The difference between you and I is that you shared your story. I didn't tell anyone. I wish I would have, now because I would have had so much support! Thank you for sharing your story! I hope the rest of your pregnancy is smooth!

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  48. It's kind of crazy how much they can see now a days before a baby is even born. It's almost like "is it worth it?" because so many times, ultrasounds are wrong and cause so, so much worry. Guess it's kind of a catch 22. I'll be praying for your sweet boy, that this is nothing. As I'm sure it is :)

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  49. Prayers for you guys! Regardless of what it is or what it isn't, God has a plan for all of us & never gives us more than we can handle! How awesome that you were blessed with such a sweet radiologist to reassure you.

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  50. Same thing happened to my best friend - she went on to have a perfectly healthy baby boy :-) Prayers for you and your baby!

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  51. I have a post very similar to this one. When I had an ultra sound with Blake. They found a marker in his kidneys. They said the same things and got me all worked up, I cried all the way home. He is perfectly normal, and the best mannered baby out of my 4 kids. Don't dwell on what they say, they have to tell you everything, whether it matters or not, otherwise they can loose their jobs. It is VERY common in boys! God is watching over your sweet little boy!

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  52. What a wonderful doctor who is clearly very passionate about his job and his patients.

    I will be certainly keeping your and your family in my thoughts and prayers.

    Hang in there!

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  53. I'm keeping your baby in my prayers and hope everything will be alright at the end of the day.

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  54. Becky I completely understand your fear. I went through the same thing and everything turned out ok( other then I found out via voice mail on a friday afternoon, long story) Anyway I know how scary it is to sit there and hear them say that so if you ever have questions or just need to vent let me know. You'll be ok and so will your little guy. Keeping you in my prayers

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  55. My baby had 3 soft markers at our 20 week ultrasound! Spot on her heart, spot in stomach and enlarged kidney. It was the worst day ever! We had to go immediately to a perinatologist appointment. He did same type of measurements and sent us on our way. 19 weeks later I had a perfect healthy baby girl! I will pray for you and your little one

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  56. Hi! I have seen a lot of the blogs I read link up to you on Mondays and finally decided to come check out your blog! I scrolled to the bottom to click on web version, but somehow ended up on this post. Might be a God thing, because my son (now 5 months old) had the same calcification spot in his left ventricle. They found it when I was about 18 1/2 weeks and it was still there when they checked again at 22 weeks. After he was born, we had an echo done and it was completely gone! I find it hard to believe that it only happens to 1% because I felt like after I told friends and family, the majority said it had happened to their baby, too. I hope you have some peace since that appointment, because it is a scary feeling, that is for sure! Congratulations on baby boy and your little girl is beautiful!!!

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  57. I know how you feel. Terrified! At 24 weeks we had the same thing happen, except my doctor's words were "There is a spot on your baby's heart" and then proceeded to tell me he would order me an ultrasound at the high risk office. Talk about freaking out! I went home and googled it and saw all kinds of scary, worst-case scenarios! I actually switched doctors at 30 weeks because I was unhappy with how my doctor relayed that information. At my first doctor's appointment with the new doctor, several of the nurses and doctors reassured me that I had nothing to worry about. Many of them had the same experience with their perfectly healthy babies. At that point I had come to terms with the fact that even if my baby had an abnormality, I would love him the same. The spot was still there at 30 weeks, but moving and small, so no need for high risk ultrasounds or worry. At 32 weeks the spot was gone. My son, Henry, was born perfectly healthy. Good luck and try not to worry (more than usual)!

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