Tuesday, September 4, 2012

When the doctor had told me... "we found something..."

9.4.12

Written on the day of our ultrasound, just hours after coming home. 8/13/12. Part one of the story. Please read every detail carefully as it may be misleading to jump around. It's "something" but it's "nothing." Words that are hard to wrap your head around.

I was contemplating how to start this post. There was never a question as to whether or not I would write it. The question was when would I share this, and how would I go about sharing it. You see, I want to remember every detail of today, even the details that I wish weren't there. Even the details that make me tear up just thinking about it.

From the beginning, we decided we weren't going to share this information with my family. Which in turn meant that I could not share this on my blog as a couple of family members happen to read this. However, after much thought, I realized that this is my diary of our life. A chapter in our lives that I don't want to get lost or forgotten. And hopefully it will mean nothing. I believe it will mean nothing. But doesn't change the fact that it was a part of our day today. A part of our baby. And a part I don't want to just pretend doesn't exist. In fact, I hope I will connect with other women out there going through similar experiences. Whether it be their own, their family's, or their friend's.

We have still not shared this news with my family, and I'm hoping that this post will get lost in the mix. I'm hoping. Not because I don't want them to know. But because I don't want them to worry. But if they do happen to read it? I hope that by the end, they will understand why I didn't share this with them initially, and why it would be so difficult to explain to them... "We found something... but... it doesn't mean anything." How do you put into words... there's something there... but.... there's nothing there.

That is why I felt this, this space of mine, would probably be the best place for them to get the most information, detailed image, and a much more thorough explanation. Because if I tried to put it into words myself, whether in person or over the phone, I may not be able to do it. And my biggest fear is that they wouldn't understand.

My biggest fear writing this now, is that people may not understand. But before I begin, just know that everything is okay. I have been lead to believe that everything is okay. My gut tells me everything is okay. And I have now, finally, felt at ease with everything I was told.

I will throw out words like Down Syndrome, birth defect, abnormalities, but believe me when I say this... I have to use these words to explain what was found. It neither means that our baby has any of these things, nor does it mean that what they found increases our baby's risk of having some sort of chromosomal abnormality. It is, again, the best way to put it... just a part of our story.

I will not know how the story ends, but I do know how it begins.... And it begins with me in the ultrasound room hearing the most beautiful words ever...

"You're having a BOY!"....

We were in a dark room. The same room I had heard "It's a girl" just a little over 2 years ago. In the room was the ultrasound tech, me, my dear husband, and our beautiful baby girl, who repeatedly kept saying "Baby" when the ultrasound tech was taking the wand across my belly. And when she heard the word brother? She smiled from ear to ear... "bruddda"....

Me: "Did she just say what I think she did?"
Andrew: "I think so."

And there I was, completely lost in that moment. I was so lost that I think I stopped paying attention to the ultrasound tech. I would glimpse up and see her going through the anatomy.

The spine looks great. The brain looks great. There's the heart. The kidneys look good. The stomach. The bladder. There are the fingers and toes. The beautiful little fingers and toes. The hands that were so close to the baby's face and wouldn't budge. Those same hands that prevented us from getting a 4D image of our baby boy's face. Those same hands I cannot wait to touch, to kiss, to hold close to my heart.

And then it was over. I thought it was over. And the tech said "From what I can see, everything looks great, but let me go make sure the physician doesn't need me to take any more images."

I've done this before you know. It had been a little over two years since my anatomy scan with Elliana, but I hadn't recalled the tech needing to leave the room to make sure. Then again, this was someone new. Then again, it's been two years Becky. Practices change all the time. Maybe this is protocol now. Maybe she is just a type A personality. Maybe that's just what they do.

Nothing crossed my mind to lead me to believe something was actually wrong. In fact, I was still dumbfounded when she came back to say she needed to do a vaginal ultrasound to check out my placenta to make sure that it wasn't over my cervix.

Okay. I totally understand that.. pretty common.

We did that. All turned out okay. Once again, she said she would be right back but otherwise I could get dressed and I'll be going to my appointment next.

At this point... Elliana was getting worked up. It was early in the morning and she was in an unfamiliar place. She wanted to run and roam and she was beginning to act up. I asked Andrew to take her outside, and as he does I hear the tech saying "Do you want to talk to her about it, or do you want her doctor to talk to her." She was speaking with the radiologist.

My heart sank for a minute. But still. At that moment, I thought maybe the placenta was in fact closer to the cervix.. and that? Well that didn't seem to bother me much as I am pretty familiar with this from literature I had read.

It was when she came back into the room and said that we had to do another ultrasound... except this time over the belly....

And when I asked "Why, because of my placenta?"

She said "No... the baby.

That was when the tears started flowing down my face as I sat in alone in this dark room waiting for the radiologist to come in to do an ultrasound himself. Waiting to find out what was going on. Waiting to find out what they could have possibly found with my baby when just minutes prior she had said "everything looked fine." 

A million thoughts running through my head.

And then the radiologist walks in. A handsome, tall, young man that had some sort of calmness and strength around him that almost instantly put me at ease. He pulled the curtain. Grabbed the box of kleenex. Put his hand on mine and said...

"We found something.... but please don't worry, it's nothing."

part II to come.


50 comments:

  1. I can imagine how devastating those words are to hear. Whatever part II holds know I am praying for you and your sweet baby boy.

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  2. I can't even imagine what you were feeling-- but regardless, I know the little guy will have lots of prayers for him and no matter what, he will be SO loved!

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  3. Like the others said- no matter what part II says about your sweet baby boy please know that prayers are surrounding him, you, Andrew, E.

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  4. I hope everything is ok!! I am sorry you have to go through this!

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  5. This happened to me too! In my case they had found cysts on her brain. Apparently it is pretty common though and everything turned out to be okay. I hope the same for you and your little one, whatever the case is.

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  6. Becky! My thoughts and prayers are with you! My pregnancy with Woobie was super rough and now we have the healthiest baby boy! Thinking of you and your family! xoxox. -Becka

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  7. I'm already crying. I can't imagine how scary that was/is. I think you are brave and so awesome for sharing. We go back next week for our anatomy scan and I am nervous, but trusting the Lord. Y'all are in my prayers!

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  8. Oh my Lord. Part 2 please! Thoughts and prayers are with your family. XOXOXO.

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  9. Lots of love, prayers, and good vibes to you, your family, and your sweet baby boy.

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  10. Oh, my heart. Sending prayers! Trusting in the Lord that it really is NOTHING...but nevertheless, I can only imagine your emotions. Praying for strength!

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  11. They did that to me. Two vessel cord and a need for a fetal echocardiogram, but my baby girl arrived healthy and beautiful. :)

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  12. Omg, reading this put me back to that place before Olivia was born! I can honestly tell you I know how you felt! I was all by myself as well when I was told something was wrong with Olivia, I'll never forget that feeling.

    I am so sorry you experienced this!! I am glad you prefaced this post with everything is okay now! Looking forward to reading pt II to find out what was "wrong" and that everything will be okay :)

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  13. Omg...I read this holding my breath. Thank you for sharing your very real feelings and I really hope you'll post part 2 soon

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  14. SO MANY hugs coming your way!! I am hanging on a cliff here on what he said! eeeeep!!! I know baby boy will be amazing and perfect just like his big sister!!! You guys are in my prayers, always!!! xoxo

    PS I love the boy parts picture!!! WOWZA!! haha I am so pumped for you to have a boy! They are such little lovers!!!

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  15. Sending lots of prayers and love to you!
    As a mother of a special needs child, I greatly sympathize with you and what you are going thru.
    Looking forward to readding Part II.

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  16. sending tons of prayers and happy thoughts your way, doctors are the only people that can make the words "found" and "something" so scary. anticipating part II

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  17. Becky, I couldn't imagine hearing that kind of news and being pregnant, let alone without your husband.

    I can totally relate to you wanting to post this on your blog, instead of going down your list of contacts and calling person by person. I did the exact same thing when I find out our daughter has ocular albinism and nystagmus. You go through these emotions where you don't feel emotionally capable of explaining it over and over... and at the same time, you don't want people to worry.

    You just want people to listen, to pray, to be there for you.

    I hope this has a happy ending for you. A baby boy, in my opinion, no matter the chromosomes, is the happiest ending of all.

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  18. We are thinking and praying for you and your family.

    With love!

    Allie

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  19. oh honey! i can't even imagine how scary those words would be. everything is in God's plan for your life, though. no matter what- you will be an amazing mommy to this boy even if he's special needs. my sister had my twin nieces 3 months prematurely and now one of them is special needs. its definitely not what she anticipated when she found out she was pregnant, but she wouldn't change it for anything. you're a strong mama. you can do this. you will get through it! *hugs*

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  20. Oh mama, Im praying!!! Ive been there. Such difficult words, praying that all is truly okay and you and A have peace with your situation. Love ya, girl!!!!

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  21. What a tough day for you, and I'm sure the days that have followed since... I'm so sorry you've had to go through the stress and worry. Whatever happens... whether things are 'normal' (whatever that means, right?!) or not... this will play out exactly the way that it's supposed to! Your little boy is so very lucky... he's surrounded by so much love already and has an amazing family to call his own!!

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  22. Lots of prayers for you, your family and that sweet baby boy. Prayers that God gives you peaces and brings you a healthy and happy baby.

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  23. Oh girly! Those are words that no one would want to hear. Hugs are with you! I'm sure everything is going to be 100% OK!

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  24. Prayers to you and your precious baby! Trust in the Lord.

    -Amy
    http://theblankpagesblog.blogspot.com/

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  25. Oh my gosh my heart is racing. Sending so many good thoughts your way.

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  26. I hope everything works out!
    I realized after the fact that when the ultra sound tech said to me, while I was pregnant, 'let me check and see if the doctor wants to take a look' that's something would happen. Thankfully I was put on bed rest and it was because of me and not the baby.

    Still scary! Sending you good thoughts!

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  27. Praying for you girl! I hope all is ok!

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  28. Thinking of you guys... anxious to read part II!

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  29. Oh Mama, you've got me crying already. Praying for you guys.

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  30. Oh Becky, my thoughts and prayers are with you.

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  31. Oh, Becky. I'm praying for you and that perfect baby of yours! They just told my sis that her umbilical cord only has 1 artery. Then made her an appointment for 3 weeks from now to check it out more. The waiting is so awful.

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  32. Big prayers and hugs! I have been through so many scary times with my "fertility" WILL be praying for your beautiful bouncing baby boy! :) A perfect Pair! <3 praying and anxious to read part 2 <3 HUgs

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  33. Oh my goodness. I'm crying and I don't even know what it is. I need part 2 now. I don't comment very much but I read your blog all the time and I've been following your journey. Oh my goodness.

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  34. I'm sitting here at my desk at work crying! Becky, my prayers are with you and your little guy. I'm sure everything will be just fine. I cannot wait for part 2 - and I hope Andrew had come back in the room to be there with you!

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  35. I'm sorry you had to go through that, those ultrasounds can be so nerve wracking and then to find out there could be something wrong. You poor thing. I really hope part 2 has a happy ending.

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  36. I am definitely praying for you guys!

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  37. Praying for you guys. Your baby will be your baby no matter what the outcome and you will love them unconditionally.
    Hoping all is well in Part II.

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  38. I can't imagine the emotions that went with hearing those words. Anticipating part II and blessings over your family and that precious baby boy.

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  39. I will be praying for you guys. I know the fear that comes with the " somethings not right, but its all ok" speeches. Its as if time freezes until you get all the information. Keeping you in my thoughts.

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  40. Whether it's nothing or something, a prayer never hurt. You have 'em here! HUGS!

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  41. Sending as much good thoughts and prayers as I can! xoxo

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  42. OMGosh I have tears in my eyes {{hugs}}

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  43. Def keeping you and the baby in my prayers. Like you said, you feel that everything will be fine. Believe in your faith!

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  44. Sending lots and lots of love & prayers!!

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  45. Had a similar ultrasound experience with my son and daughter. Both are healthy though. Hoping the same for you!

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  46. oh girl, i've got tears in my eyes. prayers for you and baby!

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  47. Prayers for your sweet family and sweet baby at this time!

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  48. Praying for that sweet baby boy and your family!

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  49. How in the world could you leave us hanging in that moment?! Oh my gosh, Becky, my heart cannot imagine the agony of that moment you were in. Sending hugs and prayers!

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